Monday, October 20, 2014

I feel like lately I must sound like a broken record here. To be fair, it's not just me who's all disgruntled and whatnot--that seems to be the prevailing mood in my department or at least among my closest friends here. We all seem to be feeling overwhelmed, overworked, dissatisfied with our classes currently, and all other manner of things. I find myself totally and completely unmotivated still, counting down the days until the end of the quarter, doing as little as possible to get by, not that that seems to be alleviating my stress any. I am having trouble keeping up with my work.

In theory, my schedule should be a good one. In practice, I just don't know. However, my alternatives are getting up at 4:30 or 5 am every morning, a five day a week schedule, and putting the kid in daycare from roughly 7 am until 4 or 5 every day. None of these options appeal to me individually or combined in any manner.

There are two things that are really draining me right now: One, what I suspect is perhaps a hormone imbalance wreaking havoc on my system as a result of the IUD, which should have an obnoxiously low and very localized hormone dose, but which does not seem to be working in conjunction with my system, and I vacillate between getting it out now after only 5 weeks or giving it until my follow up appointment three weeks from now. And two, a sick baby.

A baby who gets an occasional cold or ear ache can in and of itself be draining, but the Magpie is still just sick. We are on our 7th, yes, that's right, SEVENTH double ear infection since Sept. 2013. I was resistant to tubes back in the spring because she was only 7 months old and I know it's minor surgery, but surgery on a 7 month old scared me and we did everything we could to keep the fluids from settling in the ears and it worked, for a while. But now this fall looks to follow last fall. Here's what's concerning me about this: the possibility of speech delay as a result of the ear infections, potential damage to the ear as a result of all the ear infections, and I wonder if her fear of walking has to do with feeling unbalanced as a result of some inner ear issues. And this last round of antibiotics is making her miserable, which in turn is making me miserable because when the J is gone, we're kind of trapped in the house because she doesn't feel well and isn't feeling adventurous. It also affects her napping, so I get less of a break when I'm at home with her all day like when the J has drill. Right now I'm struggling with feeling like a failure as a human being, a mother, a wife, and a professor. My whole existence right now is simply a series of just getting by, and I hate that feeling, and I hate operating like that. I just kind of move from yelling to crying, and that's not good for anyone!

I'm already just focused on next quarter. I obviously have to finish this one out, but I don't know how to just push through right now and not go insane. I'm trying to balance everything, but to be honest, I'm just exhausted. And I think the emotional exhaustion is what is taking it's toll.

So this week I am going to talk to the pediatrician to see if we can go ahead and get our referral for the ENT and try to get an appointment in before the holidays (I DO NOT want to spend the holidays with her being sick again, and I am sure she doesn't either). Swee'Pea is just so miserable.

I think one thing I need to do is make a plan for break. I think it's going to be crucial for me to use break to get ahead on the winter quarter so that I can make time for research. I'm going to have to rethink a couple of things for the survey class, too. And I need to figure out how to stay healthy myself. This allergy thing is kicking my ass also.

Well, thanks for listening you guys. I feel significantly less angry and pissy now. I'm a bit demoralized, but oh well. But alas, I will go talk about two stories I love, and then pick up the babe and enjoy some family time with her and the hubs. I will get to have a little bit of a lovely evening before I have to dive in and read more, which at this point will simply just be skimming to the end.


  1. At least we can listen and empathise! Bad enough just me and a not very well cat, never mind a husband and sick babe as well...

  2. Hugs! We are here to listen no matter how much you think you are repeating yourself. And you are definitely NOT a failure

  3. Thanks so much for that! I needed it.