Not that I really think I necessarily need to apologize, but I want to apologize for my "Fuck All the Things" post yesterday. It was unnecessarily negative, and I don't want to spread that around. So, I'm sorry. Sometimes though (although it seems more often than not lately), things just seem so bleak and like "what's even the point?"

I didn't get much sleep last night because I stayed up as long as I could to watch the World Series. Seriously. It was such a tense game that I woke up with a headache, and I didn't even know the outcome until this morning. The only reason I could get away with watching as long as I did was because I only have office hours today.

I'd be less stressed if we weren't going out of town this weekend. Don't get me wrong; I'm very very much looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to seeing my aunt and uncle, to get a break from laundry and cooking, to having an extra hand with the kid. And it's not a long drive either. Four hours max. But it's just, whew, a lot to get done between now and tomorrow night.

So why I am blogging then? I have to clear my head, get some focus on what needs to be done, and then get to it.

Fortunately I've got a fridge full of leftovers, enough so that I don't have to worry about lunch or dinner for the next two days, and enough that I believe I can freeze some and will have dinner for Sunday night when we get home, and I have stuff for the crock pot for next Monday, so that will alleviate some stress at least on that front.

All right, so there it is. I'm going to do some work for a bit and then call it a day and get done what I need to.

Just kind of frustrated.

I'm still just so meh. Ugh. Honestly, I think it's sleep. I think that's the biggest culprit right there. I got maybe almost seven hours of sleep last night which isn't enough. At least not with several days of less than seven hours, and in some cases less than six. I can't function that way. And it makes me depressed. But it also makes me long for a different life, which I think is in part related to my depression. But would I like a different life more, that is one in which I had a different job? Probably not.

It's just past midterm, and I'm done. I am at the point where I could not care less about the remainder of the quarter. That's pretty much the nature of the beast where I teach. Not only are we on a quarter system, but we teach semester hours. So the MWF classes are 75 minutes each and the TR classes are 110 minutes each. That in and of itself isn't that terrible, especially since I'm used to it and still run over. We have a 3/3/3 load. What is time consuming is the 10 office hours a week on top of this. TEN! That is ridiculous. The school labels itself as a "research" university, but even at the "teaching" college I was at where we were expected to focus on teaching and attentiveness to students, we had 3 hours per week of office hours. Even if it were five office hours, that would be fine. But 10 is highly burdensome and exhausting. Of course, most of my male colleagues don't even come close to holding that amount of time. And they get away with it. It's almost like it's expected that they need not be there. I think if I were to just not show up for five of my office hours each week, I suspect I'd get a good talking to. I think I'd be so much less exhausted (we all would) if we had more time in which to do other things in our lives during the day like cook, laundry, attend to kids/personal stuff rather than having to squeeze it in the time frame between 4-6 in the evenings. I actually think faculty might be more inclined to show up at uni events if the burden of the 10 office hours a week were lifted. But seriously, if I'm here from 8:45 until 4 pm two days a week and then from say, best case scenario 11-4pm the other two days of the week, the last thing I want to do is come back after being here 7-8 hours already for a 2-3 hour event. No. It's unreasonable. And I don't think I'm being unreasonable in saying such.

It makes me cranky. Yes, in theory I can use those 10 hours to get research done, but my office is not where I do my best work. I get my grading done here and some prep. If I want to be generous, if there are no students showing up, then yes, it's a forced prep productivity time. And maybe my problems would be solved if I were able to do my research and stuff in my office. Maybe I am being a whiny-pants. But whatever. I don't know anyone else at any other institution who much hold that amount of office hours.

The expectation is that we can cram a semester's worth of work into 10 weeks. How is that even possible in the humanities? I mean, there is no way I can cover 16 weeks worth of material in 10 weeks. I cannot have my students read 1.5 novels a week to cover the same amount of reading. And in classes like Am lit 1865-WWII I get to spend 2.5 weeks on three different movements? It's like an, I don't know, fancy survey class. Put that up against someone on semesters and my students fall short in terms of reading breadth, depth, and material understanding. It's one of the reasons why I think most of our students end up still in our program for grad school because they just can't compete, at least in American lit, with other students. It's frustrating, demoralizing, time consuming, and sucks the life out of my soul sometimes, especially post-midterm.

This fires me up in part to try to get my work and such done so that I have more opportunity for mobility. But then the other part of me is all like "what's the use?" But then there's the issue of tenure, so I need that work done, but I'm less inspired to do stellar work.

However, that's all I want to do. I just want to write. It's the only thing I've wanted to do since I was like 4. And sometimes I get really quite depressed because that's not what I'm doing. I don't know how to make that a priority though. I love academic writing actually as much as I love creative writing, but I can't seem to justify making it the number one thing. Every other thing seems so important. Ugh. I don't know. I struggle with this and struggle with this, but I just don't know what can give. I have to do some soul searching.

Really what I want to do is just say "Fuck All the Things!" and do what the fuck I please and what will make me happy.

And now I'll grade for a little bit more before class.

So.Far.Behind.

Y'all, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control here! I am missing deadlines on the grad class. I'm behind on the grad class now. I had planned on reading the text I needed to this past weekend (I have to give a working title for the chapter, but I've never actually read the text or seen the movie, but I didn't expect I'd have to give a title this early! It's not due until end of Feb), and it was just a book on criticism and my copy of the text was in my office so I ordered it for the kindle, and damn, I cannot read serious stuff on the kindle. I can read light reading on there, but when it comes to something "deep," nope. I could not follow. So now I'm behind on that because I have no idea what the story is about.

I'm behind on the book for the grad class. I haven't read that one in about 18 years. Yikes.

I'm behind on the grad class grading.

I'm behind on the article.

I'm behind on the book proposal.

In short, I'm behind on life.

I'm now stressed about money and tenure.

And I'm having trouble sleeping, which of course makes the stress worse.

I'm am having trouble keeping my $hit together and being successful at anything here.

I did get the food for the week prepped, so at least I don't have to worry about that. Cooking should be easy. I've got a load of clothes in the washer that need to go in the dryer, and once I put the clothes away, the laundry room is empty, so that means the laundry is finished.

I'm plagued by headaches because of the stress. Having the internet go out on campus that one morning really set me very far behind schedule. It sucks. I'm overwhelmed, and I hate that feeling. And I know the way not to feel this way is to get things done, but there are so many things to get done. And everything is both urgent and important. Yesterday I had to take a nap. Both the hubs and I were so snippy at each other, and I pretty much abandoned the kid to him yesterday. She didn't seem to miss me--she got lots of daddy time which she doesn't get during the week, but still. Argh.

I feel like I'm simply in survival mode right now. I hate that feeling. I don't want to be in survival mode. I want to be in thrival mode (I'm going to just make up words here).

All right, well anyway, I'm going to make a to do list of what I need to get to work on for the next few days, set up some goals, and then try to get a little bit done before I leave campus and go home.

In which I just spill out everything that's in my head at the moment

In theory, the schedule that I made for myself this quarter should have worked. It really should have. I mean, all summer I was able to get up at 4:30 am and make the 5 am CF class, come home, shower, get the kid off to school and then do some work. The schedule I set for myself for this quarter should have mirrored what I was doing this summer. So far it has not. I have not been any more productive than before. My working out has dramatically decreased. Perhaps it's the actual "going to work" and not working from home that has made the difference and why I'm so tired? I thought this schedule was going to allow me more time to work on my own stuff and leave room open for food prep and grocery shopping during the week so that I didn't have to spend my weekends doing that stuff. Again, none of that has happened. Rather, I find that I am way less productive, have less time to do things like cook and grocery shop, that that stuff still gets stuck to the weekends in which I still drain myself cleaning, doing laundry, and trying to prep for the week, and because I get so tired on the weekends, I still don't get all the food prepped which means that it falls to during the week when there are other things to get done and then food gets wasted because between the time the kid gets home and she needs to eat, she gets the left overs and the good food because she can't just eat anything, and we get take out or something. Waste of money, time, and food. Then that stresses me out, then the whole cycle starts over again. And I've got a month of the quarter left to go still.

Right now I'm just a holy hot mess. Part of this stems from my desire not to have the kid at daycare at 7:30 am five days a week. She gets there at 8:30 am right now. She also sleeps until 7. So for me to teach earlier or try to have a different schedule means that I would also need to pack her a school breakfast in addition to her lunch, which would be a big hassle. Plus trying to get her there so early. I wonder if I might be less tired actually teaching five days a week and spreading the workload out rather than what I'm doing now. If the folks are going to be around for the spring for a while, this might work. And it will give me some rest. Sigh. I suppose it depends what I'm teaching as well.

My goal for the rest of the quarter is to just make it through. That's it. Just make it through until Nov. 19th.

I feel like I complain a lot lately, make a lot of plans, don't follow through, and that in turn is a source of stress. Because I want to be able to spend my weekends with the family. I don't want to spend the whole weekend working or cleaning. The kid is getting older. She loves to be outdoors. I don't want her to be cramped inside all weekend watching Elmo simply because I have a bunch of stuff to do that I couldn't get done during the week. And I'm worried that next quarter will be almost as bad, although I do seem to have been able to free up more time, but we'll see how that works.

And honestly, this issue of clutter. My god. I find that I now cannot function if there is a mess, so I'm still, even though I said I was going to take a break until I finished my article, I haven't been able to. I just so tired of moving crap from one spot to another to make room. I mean, the good news is that once I make room for something and declutter an area, it stays that way, so I'm not not only constantly cleaning and decluttering but also doing the same spots. No. Once a place is done, it's been staying done. That has to be considered progress. But I am impatient, and I wish I could do all the things at once. One of the few upsides to my parents not being here is that I can move everything to the guest room to get it out of the way and go through it as I can. It's a staging rather than storage area. But to make room to clean and declutter, one needs space, and the guest room has been a big help there with giving me a place to go through things while keeping other spaces clean and organized. If only my article were working like that. I had what I thought was a great breakthrough, and in some ways it is. It's just all the rest of the stuff that's a problem. I will see this through. It's just taking me longer than I anticipated.

I feel like perhaps this is another reason why I'm so drained--between the cleaning, the grading, and the writing and the trying to exercise and eat right, I feel like I've exhausted myself, and that does no one any good, least of all me. I mean, if the kid could eat pizza and processed foods, that's what she'd be eating right now and she'd be eating the crap school lunches (so if there is a blessing in disguise here, at least her allergies are forcing me to do something and keep her healthy and eating well, even if we are falling by the wayside--but then, if I'm cooking for her, I am cooking for all of us).

I feel like I complain a lot lately, too. Oh woe is me and my tired life. If I had more time/space/energy and less stuff (work, cleaning, possessions, life choices, debt) then things would be great. And that's true. They would be. And I know a lot of people who have it far worse than me would tell me to suck it up, it's not that hard, just do it, other people have it harder than you,  [insert condescending inspirational cliche' here], and in some ways those things are true. However, when one is stressed, overworked, emotionally overwhelmed, somewhat depressed and exhausted, getting out of bed *is hard.* Prepping food for the week and cooking seven nights a week *is hard.* Keeping a sick child healthy *is hard.* Is it single mom hard? Is it fighting cancer hard/battling debilitating illness hard? In the grand scheme of things, no, it's not hard like that. But do daily challenges sometimes become insurmountable battles? Yes. I know most of you guys who still read this blog get that. I know I'm preaching to the choir here. At some point though, I do have to deal with all of these things and figure out a way to be successful.

Goals for the day:

1. Catch up as much as possible on the rest of the grading.
2. Eat a decent lunch.
3. Make a quick dinner (tonight will probably be bacon and eggs especially since the hubs won't be home until about 10 pm.)
4. Do some reading. 
5. Fold some laundry.

Maybe that's what I need. Little lists of little goals that lead to bigger goals to not get overwhelmed. 

I thought I was further along in this article than I am: only 4983 words. That's not a whole lot to show for as long as I've been working on this thing I think--and that's counting the conference paper as well.

I got close to 400 words already this morning. I woke up with a headache, did some pleasure reading until the headache went away, showered, and then sat down to try to work through some stuff (yeah, I got up at 5:20 am or so).

I think I'm at the point to where I need to try to start putting the article together, to organize my notes and see what kind of shape I'm actually in here. At least I got some stuff written this morning so that when I get to my office, I can focus on the grading I need to do. Then I'll come home, run, shower, print everything out, and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to do any more "tidying," but I am. I have to. What needs to be started on next is in the back of my brain and I can't focus on anything until I start trying to make headway on that business. And since I already worked on my article this morning, that will be my "reward" for doing so. Also, the food for the week is prepped, so all I have to do is cook it, which is a nice thing to have done. I had a busy day yesterday in terms of food prep and laundry, though I didn't get anything done for the article, but I took care of a bunch of other things. 

That being said, I'm going to start working on the breakfasts and lunches for the day, and then it's off to campus. 

One of the things with which I'm struggling right now is the desire to do all the things all at once. There is neither time nor room nor practicality for this. I think if I were getting more sleep I'd be getting more done during the time that I'm awake. I got decent sleep last night, but I woke up with a terrible sinus headache this morning. The kid was running a tiny temperature yesterday afternoon, so I'm trying to ward off all sickness from befalling us.

Today's to do list:

1. Food prep for week (most important)
2. Knock out another load or two of laundry (least important for today)
3. Run
4. Work on article (tied for most important)

It's a small list, but the food prep is monstrous. But it's the only way that I'm going to be able to ensure proper eating this week.

The article--sigh. I just, I don't know. I feel now that I'm into the article, it's just not a great idea anymore. I'm working really really hard to make the argument here--maybe that's the problem? Maybe I'm trying to make too literal a connection here when there doesn't need to be one?--and maybe after all this writing and reading, there's just no argument there to make? Or maybe it's because no one is making this argument, so I have to do all the stuff here? I don't know. In any case, my confidence in it is dwindling. That also might be because I haven't written anything in two weeks. Sigh. I just hate feeling stuck. I know how to get unstuck, but for some reason, it's frightening. 

I feel like a lot of this is a rehash of my dissertation writing anxiety. This is very familiar territory. 

That being said, I'm going to get over myself and do some writing before the kid gets up.

ETA: I'm happy to report that in the time since finishing this post and the kid starting to wake up (right now), I busted out about 600 words (I thought it was waaaaaay more than that), but they were good words I think, and I think I can keep working on this same line of argument this afternoon when the kid goes down for her nap. I will say this--I'm feeling a whole lot better now than when I started this blog post. Working on that article helps. 

Frustrations mount over here.

My biggest problem right now is sleep, as in even when I do seem to get enough, it's not enough. I am completely out of sorts. What doesn't help is beating myself up over it especially since I started off so well in the beginning of the quarter. Then we take Magpie to the doctor, have an exhausting day, and I freak out about her allergy diagnosis, take on the burden all on my own, and emotionally drain myself and then physically drain myself with the cleaning and organizing and stuff.

The problem with this? (Aside from the obvious--) even after weeks of cleaning and organizing and donating and trashing, I am still overflowing with stuff. Seriously. Let me preface by saying the stuff that I have done--the closet, the bathroom, the chest of drawers, and the couple of sections of the kitchen look great and are super easy to maintain. Seriously. So at least I've got that going for me. I mean, the KonMari way is fantastic. Getting there though,which she admits is about a six month process, and we all know how amazingly patient I am. But still, like seriously, like a dozen bags of clothes later (counting this summer's haul), and I'm still busting at the seams.

I'm frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed again. And there's a ton of stuff to do.

I'm also angry and annoyed at some things. I am becoming disillusioned with some things/some people, and maybe that's the hardest thing right now. I'm taking some things personally that weren't meant for me personally, but the sweeping generalizations made by my "friends" often include me in that category, and it's bothersome. (Could that be a more cryptic and passive sentence?). I think what I need to do is step back for a few weeks. I need to take a break from some things, readjust, and find my focus.

A couple of things I noticed--my happiest this past month? Those two weeks I was writing along with reading/researching and doing stuff. This reaffirms what I know: I'm happiest when I write. I need an almost daily writing goal, even if it's only 15 minutes.

CF, for whatever reason (in part because of some of the people above), is not working for me right now. And you know I'm a huge fan and love lifting. I need a break. My form is suffering because I'm not into it right now, and well, I need to step back. It's a golden sin in CF to talk about how I much I miss running, but I miss running. Right now, I just want to run. And do yoga. I think what it is I crave is the meditative qualities of those two activities for me, and since I feel so out of balance in all that I'm trying to do, that's what I need. I need to be active, but I need to be active alone. I have a feasible work out plan/schedule that I feel will be beneficial. Also, I'm either pushing too hard or something during CF because I don't leave feeling invigorated like I usually do. I feel beat, and being wiped out at 6 am makes for a long, unproductive day. Perhaps that's part of the problem. I'm working too hard at it, and that's not the best thing.

What will also be beneficial is for me to finish the damn article. I'm still shooting for Wednesday to get it to my mentor. It will need work. I feel it's forced and clunky and in the end probably not as good an idea on paper as it is in my head, but for what it's worth, I'm going to see it through.

There's a lot to do today. So, I need to get to it. Here's to a productive and happy weekend to all you out there.