In which I just spill out everything that's in my head at the moment

In theory, the schedule that I made for myself this quarter should have worked. It really should have. I mean, all summer I was able to get up at 4:30 am and make the 5 am CF class, come home, shower, get the kid off to school and then do some work. The schedule I set for myself for this quarter should have mirrored what I was doing this summer. So far it has not. I have not been any more productive than before. My working out has dramatically decreased. Perhaps it's the actual "going to work" and not working from home that has made the difference and why I'm so tired? I thought this schedule was going to allow me more time to work on my own stuff and leave room open for food prep and grocery shopping during the week so that I didn't have to spend my weekends doing that stuff. Again, none of that has happened. Rather, I find that I am way less productive, have less time to do things like cook and grocery shop, that that stuff still gets stuck to the weekends in which I still drain myself cleaning, doing laundry, and trying to prep for the week, and because I get so tired on the weekends, I still don't get all the food prepped which means that it falls to during the week when there are other things to get done and then food gets wasted because between the time the kid gets home and she needs to eat, she gets the left overs and the good food because she can't just eat anything, and we get take out or something. Waste of money, time, and food. Then that stresses me out, then the whole cycle starts over again. And I've got a month of the quarter left to go still.

Right now I'm just a holy hot mess. Part of this stems from my desire not to have the kid at daycare at 7:30 am five days a week. She gets there at 8:30 am right now. She also sleeps until 7. So for me to teach earlier or try to have a different schedule means that I would also need to pack her a school breakfast in addition to her lunch, which would be a big hassle. Plus trying to get her there so early. I wonder if I might be less tired actually teaching five days a week and spreading the workload out rather than what I'm doing now. If the folks are going to be around for the spring for a while, this might work. And it will give me some rest. Sigh. I suppose it depends what I'm teaching as well.

My goal for the rest of the quarter is to just make it through. That's it. Just make it through until Nov. 19th.

I feel like I complain a lot lately, make a lot of plans, don't follow through, and that in turn is a source of stress. Because I want to be able to spend my weekends with the family. I don't want to spend the whole weekend working or cleaning. The kid is getting older. She loves to be outdoors. I don't want her to be cramped inside all weekend watching Elmo simply because I have a bunch of stuff to do that I couldn't get done during the week. And I'm worried that next quarter will be almost as bad, although I do seem to have been able to free up more time, but we'll see how that works.

And honestly, this issue of clutter. My god. I find that I now cannot function if there is a mess, so I'm still, even though I said I was going to take a break until I finished my article, I haven't been able to. I just so tired of moving crap from one spot to another to make room. I mean, the good news is that once I make room for something and declutter an area, it stays that way, so I'm not not only constantly cleaning and decluttering but also doing the same spots. No. Once a place is done, it's been staying done. That has to be considered progress. But I am impatient, and I wish I could do all the things at once. One of the few upsides to my parents not being here is that I can move everything to the guest room to get it out of the way and go through it as I can. It's a staging rather than storage area. But to make room to clean and declutter, one needs space, and the guest room has been a big help there with giving me a place to go through things while keeping other spaces clean and organized. If only my article were working like that. I had what I thought was a great breakthrough, and in some ways it is. It's just all the rest of the stuff that's a problem. I will see this through. It's just taking me longer than I anticipated.

I feel like perhaps this is another reason why I'm so drained--between the cleaning, the grading, and the writing and the trying to exercise and eat right, I feel like I've exhausted myself, and that does no one any good, least of all me. I mean, if the kid could eat pizza and processed foods, that's what she'd be eating right now and she'd be eating the crap school lunches (so if there is a blessing in disguise here, at least her allergies are forcing me to do something and keep her healthy and eating well, even if we are falling by the wayside--but then, if I'm cooking for her, I am cooking for all of us).

I feel like I complain a lot lately, too. Oh woe is me and my tired life. If I had more time/space/energy and less stuff (work, cleaning, possessions, life choices, debt) then things would be great. And that's true. They would be. And I know a lot of people who have it far worse than me would tell me to suck it up, it's not that hard, just do it, other people have it harder than you,  [insert condescending inspirational cliche' here], and in some ways those things are true. However, when one is stressed, overworked, emotionally overwhelmed, somewhat depressed and exhausted, getting out of bed *is hard.* Prepping food for the week and cooking seven nights a week *is hard.* Keeping a sick child healthy *is hard.* Is it single mom hard? Is it fighting cancer hard/battling debilitating illness hard? In the grand scheme of things, no, it's not hard like that. But do daily challenges sometimes become insurmountable battles? Yes. I know most of you guys who still read this blog get that. I know I'm preaching to the choir here. At some point though, I do have to deal with all of these things and figure out a way to be successful.

Goals for the day:

1. Catch up as much as possible on the rest of the grading.
2. Eat a decent lunch.
3. Make a quick dinner (tonight will probably be bacon and eggs especially since the hubs won't be home until about 10 pm.)
4. Do some reading. 
5. Fold some laundry.

Maybe that's what I need. Little lists of little goals that lead to bigger goals to not get overwhelmed.