Argh! I am so incredibly freaking depressed right now! And it's frustrating and a giant pain in the ass folks. It is seriously like a constant freaking struggle every single damn day. It's exhausting and annoying. I'm doing everything I should be doing. I am going to bed at a decent hour. I'm getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night. I'm cooking super healthy meals at least 5 times a week (triple that to include breakfast and lunch), and while my workouts have been slipping because I'm so freaking ass depressed, I'm still getting at least four workouts in a week even though some mornings I wake up and I want to cry. AND I'm taking my meds again! I'm keeping up very admirably I might say with the class--like I grade drafts or comment on drafts the moment I pick them up so there is same day delivery because they need to get them back so they have time to revise if they want and so I don't have a gazillion drafts to grade the last week of classes. I'm doing everything right! And yet, I've been watching Scrubs and Friends for the last two weeks weeping during every.single.episode. That's just like sadness wrapped in shame right there friends.
Generally, I'd be freaking out. Especially since I have oh a little article due on July 1st. The one I had been struggling with. Yeah, I haven't touched it since classes started. I guess that needs to be a priority this weekend and next week. It needs to be priority at this moment, but I don't have the energy.
I am one hundred million percent just burned out. Just totally and completely burned the fuck out right now. I mean, I am totally and completely fried. I never ever ever want to *have* to or *need* to teach over the summer again. I think it might be different if this were like gravy, like extra, like we were going to use the money for vacation or to pay off a credit card or something. But that fact that we need this to pay our regular bills aggravates and depresses me. Yes, I'm thankful that I get summer teaching. But no, I don't want to do it.
The thing that's the most frustrating is that there are things that I want to do right now, things I feel like working on, but I'm actually pretty much incapacitated. Like it feels like a physical barrier actively pushing me down that I can't quite overcome to get done what needs to get done. Like yesterday I finally went to the grocery. I was so overwhelmed with grocery shopping that I nearly broke down in the store.
I need this quarter to be over. Pronto. I'm glad I had enough foresight to make the end of the quarter as easy for me as possible while still making sure that the students learn what they need to. And that's the thing--they're a good class. Better than I expected for the summer quarter. And I feel bad that I don't have more energy to give to them. I feel like I should reprepping all the stuff I just taught a few weeks ago in the Spring (which is ridiculous, and I chose a lot of the stuff I did in the spring to make it easier on me). I haven't felt this way in a while. Yeah, I was totally frustrated with last quarter's 101 class, like totally resentful of their attitude because it really was just a shitty class and I know that now because I'm doing all the same things that I did last quarter, I'm actually depressed this quarter, and I have better student engagement, better productivity during group work, and an overall better attitude about the class. What's changed? Not my teaching style, but the students. Anyway, I don't think that they think they deserve more at least. But I haven't felt like this in a while. This is more like the dissertation writing funk I was in. It's different than how I felt in Fancy Town--there I was just miserable on top of depressed and I didn't give a shit about being productive or really cared toward the end of the year last year about anything really (except my friends). But during the dissertation you know, I just felt incapacitated. I wanted to work but physically couldn't. And that's how I feel now.
Sure, just like then if I had spend the time working that I have on this blog post then I might have accomplished something this morning, but that's different. I am trying to accomplish something with this post--psyching myself up to face the day.