Monday, September 23, 2013

Really struggling with balance right now.

Though I have very little time to be spending blogging, I feel like I really right now need this space. I am stressed, suffering from a mild to moderate case of PPD (I think; the hubs agrees, and it's just more pronounced when I'm not getting any sleep), worried about the Magpie, and worried about myself. Like today it's hard sitting in my office and not just breaking down into tears. It's taking all the energy I have right now not to. But I need this space to work through stuff and to clear my head.

First, update on Miss Magpie: Blood tests came back negative except for some elevated lymph stuff which the doc expected because of the eczema. However, poor girl is still, even with some more dietary limitations on my part, and experimenting with hypoallergenic formula for a week, suffering from gas pain and some sort of distress. So now on Wednesday we go back to the hospital to have an Upper GI test done to see if there's blockage causing the problem, if there's a curvature in the esophagus causing it, if there's an artery in the way or what. I'm worried about the potential need for surgery. And while I should be grading right now, I need to clear my head so that I can focus and get through the grading in a timely manner. And there are too many things running through my brain right now for me to really focus.

On top of all of this is RESEARCH looming in the background. As in, I've not done anything. This summer (including up to this coming Monday), I have had three opportunities for possible publication opportunities that I've not been able to put anything together for. I thought I'd be able to cram for this last one because it seemed like the Magpie was getting better and sleeping more, but that lasted all of a week. And when it comes to the choice between doing something that takes care of my health or spending that hour researching, I actually choose exercise more often than not. It's really the only thing keeping me sane, and I need the stress release, and I feel like if I'm more stressed and not taking care of myself, then that is going to be much worse. And any time I do get to work, it's in trying to keep up with my classes, and I'm really trying to be focused on the Magpie when I'm at home because I want to enjoy every moment I can with her. It's obnoxious how much I adore that kid.

So right now I'm really struggling with guilt--guilt over worrying about my research, which is non-existent at this point when I'm with her and then worrying about Magpie when I'm trying to think about research. My worry is whether I'm going to be able to get anything done this quarter, and it may be that I need to just not think about that until we get some answers for the Magpie. But I have my course release this quarter, so I'm just really struggling with trying to hold everything together. I imagine it would be different if I had an infant who didn't have problems, who responded to routine, but I don't, and this wasn't how it was supposed to be. But I have to work on accepting what it is rather than what it should have been. I have a book on 8 minute meditation. I need to finish that. Perhaps that might help.

I think I need to not think about research for a month, focus on the kid and myself and staying ahead of my classes and then re-evaluate where I am and where the Magpie is on November 1, unless we figure out sooner what's up with her. I'm hoping that even if things are figured out until the first of the year that I can still pull an article together by summer.

I'm trying so hard to remain optimistic.

Would you like to see a picture or two of her? I just realized I've never introduced her to you bloggy world.  I mean, look at that face! Is she not just so painfully freaking adorable?? God I just love this baby!

And now, I'm going to grade some freshman comp essays. I think I'll set a goal of grading for an hour, and then I'm going to read for Friday's classes for an hour.


  1. She's a charmer--what a smile!

    Good luck with everything, and keep taking care of yourself. In my very limited experience, the first few months are rough (sleep deprivation being a major culprit).

    (Sorry if this comes through twice--my first comment seemed to disappear.)

  2. Thanks heu! I agree; she is a charmer. I think if we can get her allergy/digestive issues figured out, sleep would come much easier for everyone. But we continue to work on it.