Wednesday, March 23, 2016

What am I going to do about this place? I need summer.

A bunch of little stupid things at my job are building up again that make me feel like there's a lack of respect for me and like the department is concerned about helping the two male junior colleagues get tenure with no help for me other than "smile more. Look nicer. blah, blah, blah..." I know the only way to combat this is to get my article written and published. And even though this makes me discouraged and not want to work, I have to remind myself that the things that will get me tenure are the things that make me portable.

I'm super excited about the upper division class I'm teaching this quarter. The students are less than excited about the literature. My class keeps dwindling by the day (which is going to reflect poorly back on me, btw). I know I have a lot of students who "like" me, but after the honor society conference it's clear that they don't actually have any respect for me. Or at least, this is how I read it: traditionally, the students get a small gift for the faculty advisor who takes them on the trip as a thank you. I'm not looking for a present. What bothers me is that my co-advisor got one last year (a nice one at that), and the previous advisor got gifts. Um, my students were killing themselves trying to figure out what to get my co-advisor and the previous advisor for gifts, and not once did they think of me. Not a single one of them.

I feel like that fucking grad class from the fall is the poisoned apple of my existence here.

I made sure the chair, the dean, and the president (who donated a nice amount of money to our trip fundraiser) got gifts, even the office assistant (which the students helped pick out). And in all the gift buying and giving, I was not even the tiniest blip on their radar. Again, it's not about the gift. I feel slighted, and if my boss or the previous advisor found out that I didn't get a gift, they would totally read it as a sign that the students have no respect for me, and this would totally reflect poorly on me. And that's what's totally fucked up. That I was slighted reflects poorly on me.

It's just disappointing, and my feelings are hurt.

My boss had made sure that the other untenured junior faculty member gets to present his work at the faculty research symposium, undoubtedly this year because it's the quarter before tenure, and this will look really good. It will also highlight his one publication on my three smaller and obviously less important ones, overshadowing the major press book chapter on the horizon and anything else. Furthermore, I was told point blank that I needed to take the honor society trip solo because I needed to "prove that I could do it," and co-advisor was not told that last year.

This makes it harder and harder for me to maintain my friendly, happy disposition. Not to mention that I cannot even let on what's going on with my mom or that Jeremy will be out of town for a month. Not even to my "friends" in the department because it will get back around at some point to someone who will undoubtedly view all of this as my own incompetence. And the last thing I want is for my disgruntledness to show through and cause me more problems.

I hate that my boss, who through her actions, has set up an adversarial relationship between me and my colleagues and me and my job. I honestly feel like I'm being gently phased out. We'll see what happens at that annual review.

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