I've spent a whole lot of time in my head this last week since I've been really sick. Now that I'm feeling better I find that I'm really depressed again. Perhaps it's still from lack of sleep (although admittedly, we all have been getting more this week! Yay!) and from being sick and just feeling down, but I'm sort of stuck in this place where I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Ideally, in a perfect world, I'd have a healthy baby, we'd be out of debt and with only one house, I'd quit my job and be a SAHM, and I'd write.

I think the thing that bothers me is that I spend more time focusing on the ideal rather than my reality and the conflict between the two depresses me because I don't know how to make the ideal into the real.

Even though we're still about four and a half years away from the Magpie going to school, I am nearly paralyzed with fear about her going to school because there are too many assholes with guns out there. I panic over the possibility of a stray bullet ripping through her head during breakfast like that poor little girl in Omaha.

These are the things on my mind today.

New Year's Post

I am fond of New Year's "goals" posts. And while I should be working and will probably regret later not getting any work done during my office hours, I haven't taken a moment to write for myself in a long time.

First of all, I got nothing done over break. The Magpie was sick. Like at one point sick enough to warrant a trip to the ER and then a overnight and full day hospital stay. It was a lot of fun Christmas morning with her, but she spent much of the break sick. So all of my plans to work were shot because a lot of the time she just wanted me, which is painfully sweet, but exhausting. I try to cherish those moments, and I love on her as much as I can. It makes me wish I had a job I could just walk away from and be a stay at home mom. Or that my life was such to allow for that. I'm still working on figuring stuff out. Since she has steroids in her system now from the croup, we've gone once again from nice 10 hour nights (at least) to waking up every few hours again. I not only feel like I've been hit by a truck, but like that truck has dragged me 25 miles. And because she was sick and everything felt thwarted, I'm bummed because I feel like the break should have been better, and I was so looking forward to it, and I hate that it was a disappointing break, but that seems to be how the last year has just been. Starts and stops and disappointment.

So given that it seems I just have a sick baby, I need to live my life under this assumption until she's like a toddler I guess. And that brings me to my goals for this year:

1. First and foremost, I need to let go. I need to not dwell on the fact that last year didn't go as planned and that this year has started pretty crappily, too. I need to learn to just deal with things and be a bit more flexible and not get so depressed when things don't go as planned. Last year is done. Yeah, the first 7 days of this year have really sucked so far, but I need to accept it and move on.
2. I need to just assume that the Magpie is going to be sick and get my work done when she's not sick and try to prep as much as possible in advance so that when she does get sick, I'm not totally stressed. Or I'll hopefully at least be able to handle the stress better.
3. I need to realize that it's okay to put some things on hold for now, with the exception of the article I need to write for tenure. That can't wait, and I should probably devote whatever little time I have to trying to knock that out so things aren't horrifically stressful next year. That means that my Crossfit goals need to take a backseat to everything else right now, and I need to be okay with that.
4. I need to take better care of myself and make more time for myself. That means going to CF regularly, but recognizing that I can't perhaps work out with the frequency and intensity I want to. But right now I've been stress eating and not working out so that I can prep for class, so that all of my waking hours become about teaching, and I need to be okay with letting some of that slide in favor of doing what's best for me so that I'm not totally resentful of everything. Part of that involves taking the time to prep the food for cooking so that dinner isn't stressful.

Other things I want to accomplish:

• I need to write more. That's all I want to do. I have some specific writing goals for the year.
• Sell house in Home City by the end of the year and buy a  home here by next January. 
• Get the rest of the debt paid off.
• Get a minivan. Yes, I just said that. I want a minivan. And a closet full of clothes from Eddie Bauer and L.L. Bean. You heard me.
• Donate more stuff and make more room for the sake of having room, not for the sake of having more stuff. 
• Work on the savings account.
• Secure daycare for the Magpie.

That's it. Really this year, in a nutshell, needs to be about acceptance, balance, self care, and creativity.

Hope you all are doing well!

Playing Hooky

Since confession is good for the soul, I feel like I have to confess that I've been playing hooky from school. Yesterday, admittedly, I was sick, sorta. I had been up since 1:30am, totally stressed out, crying, massive headache, and completely unprepared for today's class. The Magpie is sick; the J was sick; Mom is sick. I've been sick, and I got nothing done this weekend because everyone else was sick, too. So I called in sick with the intent of finishing up work. Well, I worked. But I was still under the weather; Magpie was just, I don't know. No nap yesterday. Fussy. She hasn't been sleeping well. So I feel yesterday was legit.

Finally, Magpie slept and I got some sleep last night, but I'm still so very far behind. I don't think my dad approves, but I called in sick again today. I've still got a ton of reading and grading to do, and I need to cook for that matter, and dammit, I am going to work out today, finally. But yesterday was a real sick day, and today is a "mental health, I need to catch up day."

I feel less bad about this because Thanksgiving break was spent traveling and busy visiting family, which is nice, but exhausting. I think we can all agree on that no matter how much we love our family and how well we get along with them. Plus, I didn't get any sleep and started to come down with a cold.

What stresses me out even more is that Christmas break won't be a break for me either. I have an abstract, for which I've done no research, due on the 31st. I have a book review due on Jan. 15th. Not to mention that I've not done shit for the article that needs to be written and sent out this year. Oh, and now I have TWO BRAND NEW PREPS for Spring, including a new grad class. And a chronically sick baby on top of all of this. So I am feeling lots of stress.

On top of this is my desire to enjoy my baby's first Christmas. This is my favorite time of the year, and I'm really upset that I'm not feeling the holiday spirit. I wish I were. But alas, I can't bring myself to feel all Christmassy and cheery, and that saddens me even more.

But oh well. I have to make good use of my time and get to work here.

I feel like my poor little blog has just become one big ball of me complaining and boo-hooing about how bad I perceive my life is.

In the grand scheme of things, I've got it pretty good. I really shouldn't complain at all.

However, on the micro level, I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, demoralized, and just totally depressed, which really bothers me because this is my favorite time of year.

I hate the quarter system. There. I said it. Initially I liked it, but I've changed my mind.

Yesterday I had a meeting from hell which last five freaking hours (it involved almost a dozen students in a serious honor code violation, and they've got some criminal charges they have to deal with, too), and I was gone from the Magpie for nine full hours, the longest I've ever been away from her, and around six, when I had been in the meeting for four hours already, I started to tear up and cry a little bit because it was the first night that I'd not been there for bedtime, and I was devastated. Apparently she had a really terrible day yesterday, and my parents think it was because she missed me, which is awfully sweet and wonderful, but totally heartbreaking. I've another meeting today and two Christmas parties to go to tonight, and I'm just done. Totally worn out. And not even totally over my cold yet either. Plus, Magpie has a double ear infection, and has yet to sleep through the night since returning from traveling. So we're going on our fourth week here of my not getting any sleep. It's distressing and demoralizing.

Not to mention that I've just been ho-hum since my birthday, thinking about my life, where I thought I'd be, what I thought that life would look like, and it's close, I suppose, but there are other things that I want to accomplish, and I just don't know how to do that, and maybe the issue is that all of this is just a temporary set back because I have a very high maintenance baby and I'm totally sleep deprived and that I just don't feel like I have any time for myself. I haven't worked out in almost a month, and my body hates me for it.

I should be working right now, but I need to carve a moment out for myself to clear my head. The last couple of mornings, when I should have been reading I've been journaling because I just need something for myself. Lately, every spare moment has been either attending to the baby or working. So it's wake, attend to baby, read/work, teach, work during office hours, home, attend to baby, work, attend to baby, dinner, work, sleep. I am just stressed to the hilt. And since I spent the first office hour Christmas shopping, and this hour blogging, I am looking at a rather long weekend, but I was looking at a long weekend anyway. I wish we were at the end of the semester rather than the beginning of the quarter. Sigh. I mean, not even coffee is cutting it this morning. My hands hurt. My back hurts. My neck hurts. And as much as I want to relax over Christmas Break, I just won't be able to. I have work that needs to be done, so I'm going to have to work every morning, and then hopefully spend the afternoons with the fam. It sucks. It makes me cry thinking about it.

And well, I guess that's it.

Birthday Blues

Generally my birthday is my favorite day of the year. And I have a big party, and it's lots of fun, but this year, I'm not feeling it. Maybe because I just feel like this year has been stressful and sort of crappy. And maybe I'm just down on myself because I can't figure out how to get my baby to sleep through the night and I can't figure out how to balance everything in my life and I can't figure out how to keep everyone healthy. If it's not ear infections, then it's a spider bite, then it's a cold going around the house, and nyquil haze and generally crappiness and a husband out of town or at drill and a sick dog. This month was supposed to be better than last month. The crappy quarter of Fall was supposed to yield a good quarter of Winter. But this does not seem to be the case.

And I am sad. There seems to be a lot of death right now, too. A friend's grandfather.  A kid I used to babysit for. My favorite movie star (I know, I know, totally shallow, but still). Nelson Mandela. A friend's colleague. My cousin, a combat vet, tried to commit suicide a couple weeks before Thanksgiving. Fortunately his wife knocked the gun out of his hand as he held it to his chin and he only damaged soft tissue. And fortunately it was *just* an attempted suicide and not the murder-suicide that often occurs in combat vet families. And it's a dreary day. There are just clouds everywhere.

I hope the baby's recent regression is due to being off schedule because of traveling and a growth spurt and frustration over trying to turn onto her stomach. I mean, she was sleeping from 6:30-4:30, regularly. We've not had that since we started traveling. Sigh. I figured it might be a week before she returns to "normal," but still. I haven't slept very well in over two weeks now.

I do really need to let go of the fact that the year did not turn out as planned. It has been much much harder to get over the c-section and breastfeeding issues than I had planned. And it is almost impossible to plan a research schedule around a baby like Magpie, even with help. And part of it is that when I'm home, I want to be with her. I don't want to work when she's awake. I hate being back at work full time already.

My classes are late this quarter--first one on MWF not until 11, and on TR I don't have to be in until 10. So I thought in theory that I could work at night after the Magpie went to bed. If our nights keep going like they have been, then that won't work.

I am just feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have a new prep this quarter. I have a grad class in the spring I need to start prepping. I have an article that I need to research and write and an abstract and a book review. I'm still so far from so many of my goals. Look, I know I sound very "woe is me," but I'm just down, and down on my bday. Sigh. I need to just accept the way things are, deal with it, work with what I have, and just keep plugging along. Maybe things won't seem so rotten when I get some sleep and get over this cold.

Cautiously Optimistic

Finally, we're at the end of the quarter. While I'm not looking forward to all the traveling we'll be doing with an infant ( not jazzed about the actual en route stuff), I'll be glad to get the fuck out of town and see family and just be away from work and stuff for a while. I'm supposed to be grading right now, but I haven't blogged since my last little pity party on here. I'm glad to say that things are perhaps looking up a little bit. Although I'm a bit mad that I thought I'd be dried up by now since I haven't been nursing or pumping her, but I'm not, so it's just like lingering torture here for me. However...

• Spider bite is healing. No more pain--it's sore, but the hole is closing, and the J said it's healed enough and the waterproof bandage is good enough that I can actually start working out again today. So I will. Despite the massive sinus headache I have, I do plan on doing some CF later today if my headache goes away. I may actually perhaps put it off until tomorrow.
• Magpie had three nights in a row with a seven, yes SEVEN hour stretch of sleep, then another 2-3 after eating. And the last two night we've had an ALMOST NINE HOUR stretch of sleep! Yes! The pattern has been about 6 or 6:30 we start putting her down for bed. If she eats a full 8 oz in one stretch she'll stay asleep. But generally she'll eat 4-5 oz, sleep for about 45min to 90 minutes, then get up, finish off another 3-4 oz and then sleep. That means I've gotten to watch tv and hang out with the fam in the evenings for the last five days. So now she's getting about 12-13 some odd hours of sleep a night, which is great! I've consistently gotten about four nights or so of at least 7 hours stretches, and I'm feeling much better. Which means...
• I'm caught up on grading! Yes, I should be grading right now, but I'll start here in a few minutes, but I've been able to grade all the things the days that they've come in, and it was totally worth putting in an hour or two on both Saturday and Sunday in order to not be so overloaded with grading during finals week. Things have been manageable! Saturday was the first Saturday all quarter that I haven't felt stressed out and frantic and just burdened with what needed to be done for the week. I got to enjoy the baby. I got to hang out with the fam. It was nice to just not be so stressed, which is actually why I think I have this massive headache now. After being super stressed since like March, my body has finally been able to relax a little bit and just be. I never thought this day would come, or not at least for another 3 years or so. 

For the first time since I've been here, we get like an obnoxious three week break for Thanksgiving. I should have all grades done and recorded by tomorrow night. I plan on spending Thursday working on the syllabi for next quarter to get those bad boys done with. And then I want to spend Thanksgiving break reading for both enjoyment and to try to get some stuff knocked out for my article, which at this point, because of the stress of the last two quarters, working on the article and reading stuff I want to read and work on things I want to, that will seem so relaxing! 

I'm also very excited about being able to help with the cooking for a bit now, too. I miss cooking. I really really do. It relaxes me. So I'm looking forward to getting back to that. To some kind of new normal that incorporates a bit more of my pre-baby life. I pretty much actually view November as a wash already because of the spider bite and what not, but I have some high hopes for December. 

On the lack of fairness in life.

Well, I cannot wait until this quarter is over.

I am actually quite depressed right now as this entire year has really been about stops and starts and unfilled goals/dreams, and this last one has just really taken its toll.

A recap: I thought I had maternity leave for the fall. That didn't happen. I thought I had a great schedule for the spring and had writing that was doable and that I was working toward getting done. Saddled with an overload, so that didn't happen. The conference paper I was excited about and working on didn't happen as my flight got canceled and I got to the conference after my panel. My pregnancy ended in a c-section, which I'm still struggling with getting over. My attempts at breastfeeding have all been fraught with struggle, with stops and starts, extended periods of pumping. Allergy tests, restrictive diets, all of which has resulted in breastfeeding ending. I spent two months doing the Whole Life Challenge and the week before it ended, I got bit by a brown recluse and because of the gaping hole in my leg, I wasn't able to do the final work out and complete the challenge. So, like everything else this year, just about everything that I've been working toward and tried to accomplish has resulted in a total lack of closure. Not to mention the painful gaping hole in my leg which means I will not likely be able to workout again until the hole is closed up. Because of the pain medicine and antibiotics I'm on, I was looking at not only another ten days of pumping and dumping, but at least a week after that for the medicine to clear my system (this antibiotic causes diarrhea and other problems in babies, so I can't nurse while taking it, and if I want this damn thing to heal, I needed to take something stronger than what I was on that wouldn't have hurt her system--we were both on the same antibiotic at the same time for a brief period), so another almost 3 weeks of pumping was in my future, and I just couldn't do that again.

Not to mention how I feel about spending ten months trying to make a healthy baby and producing a child who has just had a consistently rough go at life with tests and stomach trouble and eczema and food sensitivities and medicine twice a day. Poor kid. I feel like I've failed her at every possible corner. She is improving, so finally we're headed in the right direction.

But this spider bite and not being able to finish the challenge really just sort of underscores the rest of the year and has me very down. Just about every night now I cry myself to sleep saying over and over, "It's not fair." It's not. I'm ready for break and the fresh start of a new quarter and Christmas and the new year.

Also, the muffins I brought to campus for breakfast were moldy. I didn't even get breakfast.