Hello! I missed you all! It's not that I have nothing to say, or maybe I don't. It's just trying to find the solitary moment to say it.

Also, since "reader" is gone, and I haven't reset up my bloglines fully yet, I'm woefully behind on everyone else's lives, so my deepest apologies for that.

I can't believe that a) it's been a month already since the Magpie got here; b) summer is, once again, almost over, and I find myself having accomplished nothing. Well, nothing academically.

But, tomorrow my bookstand, the same one that Heu Mihi raved so much about, will be here tomorrow. I had been debating on spending the money on this stand really since January. And even though I wasn't doing any serious reading (just baby and breastfeeding books*), and it became clear that once I tried to get any sort of academic reading done, it was going to be impossible. Miss Magpie will not allow me to hold a book for any length of time while I nurse her. And as I spend nearly half my day right now nursing and holding her, you can see how much reading I *could* get done if I could hold a book while she nurses/sleeps in my lap. The other half of my day is spent trying to rest, eat, stay on top of the dishes and laundry (especially hers) and figure out a schedule for the dogs for walking them, with her, and avoiding the heat. I don't care about the heat. She can't be out in this heat. The dog walking situation is really the hardest thing to negotiate right now with an infant.

I feel ridiculously guilty when I get up upset with her for her nighttime routine. Sometimes she will nurse for two hours straight at night. It gets a little tiring.

And as it has taken me way longer to write this than I thought, I must leave this incomplete for now.

Magpie really is a good baby though. And adorable. And perfect. And wonderful. And while I'm glad she loves her crib (which will make working in the office much easier if she likes being in the crib), I am determined for her to love the co-sleeper as much because I am not ready for her not to sleep in the same room as me. I can't stand to be away from her. We're getting a softer sheet for the co-sleeper to see if that helps. Next stop, a different mattress. But we're going to try the cheap thing first.



*uh, yeah, I have come to HATE those books. Anyone pregnant out there? Use them as references and for troubleshooting. The J told me to put them down. I was feeling guilty for being an inadequate loser parent even though I was trying to be all "prepared." No. They have become resource material only now.

Managing the new "Normal."

My parents have been in for the last three weeks, which means yesterday was the first day I was on my own with the Magpie. Even though my parents drive me nuts, I was crying and missing them before they even got out the door. Also, I don't like that it's already been three weeks. I didn't like it when a week had passed. I want her to stay this small forever. I can't help it. I just want to hold her and keep her tiny forever.

The last couple of nights have been bad--lots of fussiness which is really unusual for her. But I know why. I'm so dumb. She was pretty fussy about two weeks ago after nights of really good sleeping. And then I had food with jalapenos. Poor girl. Didn't even think about that and her little digestive system. And then two nights ago my mom made this incredible cole slaw with pineapple and, you guessed it, jalapenos. Which I had leftovers of last night. Fussy fussy fussy! Poor baby girl! Already I feel like a failure of a parent (which, add that to the emotional rollercoaster of having to have an unplanned c-section, and well, some days I feel like I have just failed from the beginning).

Oh but when she stares into my eyes and smiles and makes her little baby barely giggle, my heart just freaking melts. And even though my shoulders are aching from holding her and nursing her, I just don't want to put her down!

I feel awful about the jalapenos though. I am on day 7 of a Whole 30, which I did to clean up my diet and help with the fussiness, and what do I do? I eat something that to me isn't spicy, but to this sweet little girl is just messing up her poor little system. Add to that guilt the tremendous guilt of getting frustrated with her when most of what's going awry is likely my fault. Sigh. I think the Red Rocket has sensed a disturbance in the force because when things are going well, he sleeps all curled up next to the J. I think the little dude senses that I'm a tad depressed and feeling guilty, so the last two nights he has been curled up next to me all night. The dogs have been really really good with her. And with us. And with all the people coming and going. The Divine Miss T is very protective and watches any person besides me or the J who holds the baby. It's very sweet. She escorts visitors around the house keeping a watchful eye.

There are two things so far about myself that have really surprised me. Well three. One is how much I love this. I obviously thought I would like being a parent, but I didn't realize how much I would *love* having a baby. The J says he's not shocked. I am totally floored by this discovery. And if he made more money, I'd quit my job and be a SAHM. Seriously.

Two: I miss being pregnant. As uncomfortable as I was, especially toward the end, I miss my big belly and all the movement and heartburn and everything else. This is the thing that makes me the saddest most days. That and the fact that three weeks have flown by. But I really really miss it. I think this has a lot to do with the physiological and psychological response to the "vaginal bypass" rather than the vaginal birth. Sure, I like being able to tie my shoes again and put on socks by myself, but I miss my round belly, and I wish I had tried harder to enjoy it more through the discomfort those last few weeks (although the asthma and upper respiratory infection and bruised ribs didn't help). Because I miss my belly so much, wearing maternity clothes, comfortable as they are, depresses me. For two weeks every time I opened my dresser I cried because I didn't need those shirts and stuff, and it was hard to put them away. I really had to force myself to do so. It surprised me how painful that was for me. So even though we don't have the extra money for it, I did buy "regular" clothes this week because I thought it might help with the healing process here. And it has. For Magpie's sake, I can't sit and wallow in this.

Three: I am surprisingly comfortable with how big I am. I mean, I gained 60 pounds during the pregnancy. Three times the "recommended" weight gain, though to no one's concern, so it wasn't unhealthy. 25 of that went the first 10 days. Part of the Whole 30 is to help with that, but I'm not bemoaning my current size. Because I found some cute clothes that fit and look good and that makes me feel better. And I think knowing that I'm the size I am is for reasons other than inactivity, poor lifestyle choices, and bad eating makes a HUGE difference as well. I am surprised at how good I feel about myself. I feel better on the days I can get out and walk, but for now, it's one day at a time. And I did miss having pants that button and have belt loops. And I do like that I'm starting to feel more "human" again, too. It sucks that I'm going to have to go back to school shopping in August for stuff to get me through Fall Quarter, especially since I spent all that money last fall on back to school clothes, but maybe by winter they'll fit. But oh well.

Okay, now I need to figure out how to take the baby with me and take the dogs out. Walking them with the stroller was not easy yesterday, so I'm giving one of the carriers a try today. We'll see. But I've got to figure that out.

Magpie is Here!!!!

Actually, the Magpie came 9 days early, and we've been home almost a week already. And for those of you betting people, if you wagered on a girl, you were most certainly correct! Not that I had an inkling one way or another, but since just about everyone thought that Magpie was a boy, we were both shocked that Mags was a girl. Actually, when the J said, "Oh my god, it's a girl!" I replied with "No shit??!!" And she was nowhere near the beast child we thought she was going to be--only 7 lbs. 6 oz. And a little shorter than we all thought, too--19.25 inches.

Of course, nothing went according to plan. I woke up last Thursday morning in labor, but I thought it was gas. Seriously. When the J left for work, I was up and like, "ugh. These are the WORST gas cramps I've ever had!"I got up, had some coffee, put some stuff in the crockpot (a meal that was going to be frozen for later), and then my mom and I went for a walk. We were still planning on getting pedicures--I was nearly insisting during the walk that we'd be able to. By 8:30, my contractions were already 2 minutes apart. My mom said, "uh, that's not gas. You're in labor." Of course, I was like, "oh, well, ok. Just let me eat and shower, and I'm sure I'll be fine. We can still get our toes done; I can drop some paperwork off at school. It's cool." I texted the J to let him know that he might want to try to make it to my doctor's appointment because I was in labor. Actually, my hope had been that I'd go to a doctor's appointment and he'd send me right to the hospital so I wouldn't have to negotiate all that you know in the middle of the night or something. I called the dr.; they told me to come right in. The J met us there, and by 11:00 I was being checked into the hospital, in full on labor, already at about 5 cm. Although I have insisted this entire time that I would NOT have an epidural, I ended up having one. And not for the pain, either. I think I would have been able to handle the pain had it not been for the nausea. That was the one thing I wasn't expecting. I was so so sick. And then I started to get really hot and faint, and I knew I could not go on puking, faint, and feverish. I only barfed once during labor, but I kept asking for the puke bucket. I threw up my entire breakfast right before the epidural.

Since labor was moving so quickly, the doctors and nurses were sure the kid would be out by 3 pm. By 1:00 I was at 7 cm. I stalled a little bit because of the epidural, but by about 3:00 I was at 9cm, and by about 4:00 I was ready to push. And by about 4:30 or so the doc came in, and we started working on getting the Magpie out. And that's when everything sort of went south. I got her all the way down the birth canal and then she got stuck. She was face up. We got her turned halfway, and then her shoulders got stuck, and she would not budge. I could see his face--he knew how much I did not want a c-section--and I could see that he was trying not to look worried or frustrated. The epidural had worn off, and by this time I was sick again, feverish, and feeling faint. He said I could continue pushing, but that we could work on this for two hours, but that it wasn't going to do anything but wear me out. So they prepped the ER, and about 30 minutes later, I was being wheeled off to the c-section.

That did not go as smoothly as it should have either. I learned from one of the nurses later that my delivery had really stressed the doc out. I could hear him on the other side of the curtain sighing in frustration and I could see him shaking his head. I puked again during the surgery. Magpie was wedged in there. I could feel the pressure, and it was a good 10 minutes at least that they worked on her. The J told me later (because I'm only just now able to see the incision) that the doctor was in up to his elbows; they had to lengthen the incision because she was so wedged in. And they had to push her back up the birth canal so they could get her head out. It was actually quite painful. Then the poor girl drew a huge breath as soon as she came out, so she aspirated some blood and they had to run her off to deep suction her lungs--which J did not tell me right away either. Baby girl had this giant bruise on her head from using the vacuum thing to turn her. She had to have blood drawn because her heart rate was elevated during the labor and delivery. She had jaundice so had to be under the UV lamp, which she HATED. And I was in the hospital 4 full days. I checked in at 11:00 or so on Thursday and didn't check out until about 3:00 pm on Sunday. I could have gone home on Saturday, but I opted to stay because of the pain and because I just couldn't even get out of the bed on my own yet. I couldn't even shower without help until Monday.

And then!! Our second night home we had to take the poor girl to the ER because she had an allergic reaction to something and didn't eat for nearly 7 hours and was covered in hives from her neck to her feet! She's fine now. She still has some bumps, but we think it might be either the pain medicine I'm taking, the antibiotics I'm taking, or both. I think I may have an allergy to one or both of them, too, because I have bumps in various places on my body as well. I was on Benadryl in the hospital because of the c-section anesthesia which made my entire body itch, so it very well may be that that masked any sort of reaction. I tried to get the medicine changed, but the doc and I missed each other on the phone, and there's only two to three days left, and I took some Benadryl this morning because I was all itchy and bumpy this morning, so we'll see. Her poor little overloaded system.

However, all of that being said, she is so perfect and beautiful and wonderful. And one of my favorite things about her is how much the J is in love with her. Oh my god. I can't handle it when he looks at her and gets all teary eyed. I can't stand to be in a different room from her. And I can't believe it's already been a week. Regardless of how traumatic everything has been, she is healthy, strong, expressive. She eats like a champ. I LOVE breastfeeding. She has the best little mouth and lips. Her puppy siblings love her and are protective of her. She's just so sweet. And you know, I loved the J with all my heart before this little one came, but like the Grinch, it's grown three sizes bigger since last Thursday. I didn't think I could love him more than I did, but my god. I can't get over either how much more in love with him I am either.

9.5 Months is a long time to be knocked up.

I know I sound like a broken record, but it's been a long, shitty week here. Not only is it hot as fuck (which I usually like the heat--I like to go out an run when it's 100 degrees, so in general, heat is fine), but I've been sick. And on top of being sick, whatever it was that invaded my sinuses and chest cavity and lungs triggered a series of asthma attacks! I've not had an asthma attack in TEN YEARS! TEN YEARS!! The OB had to call in an inhaler for me. My first inhaler in a decade. Wow. On top of that, I still have a cold, so even though the inhaler helped open the airways, the postnasal drip kept tickling my throat every time I laid down to try to sleep last night, which made me cough, which then triggered another asthma attack. Poor J is getting less sleep than I am because of this, and I feel bad that he has to work all day. In general I hate taking medicine as it is, but right now, I'm trying to be really careful about taking medicine, but my well-being is tied to the Magpie's well-being, so it does no one good for me to not sleep, for me to be hacking all night, and for me to have hurt my ribs from the violent coughing! Argh! I am a total hot mess here! I mean my ribs are so freaking sore that they hurt just to be touched. Since I've spent all week in bed, my blood pressure has skyrocketed. Granted, it's what would be "normal" for the average person, but it's really high for me, so since I've got the inhaler and I'm feeling better, and I'm freaking ready for the kid to get here, I will start walking daily. I've accomplished absolutely nothing this week because I've been sick, and I'm sure that's affected my blood pressure as well because I want to get things done, but I'm exhausted and can't breathe.

Seriously, my ribs have never ever hurt like this before. And I had forgotten how much asthma truly truly sucks.

Not that these things are predictable by any stretch of the word, but the doctor indicated yesterday that the possibility of the kid getting here next week is very real. However, if it's not here by my next doctor's appointment and everything looks good, then the doc threw out the possibility of inducing me late next Sunday night and having the kid on Monday the 24th. I did not hesitate with my "YES! Let's do that!" Now, before anyone freaks out about my choosing inducing over spontaneous labor, yes, I know there are lots of reasons not to induce and many many benefits of waiting for spontaneous labor, and I do truly hope that labor happens on its own before the 24th. But my doctor knows my fears, concerns, and anxieties, and while I've had problems with his office and that surly bitch nurse, if he gives the go ahead for it, then I do trust him. Labor doesn't bother me. Pain doesn't bother me. Discomfort, yes, I'll complain about that all day, but pain, I can handle. (and honestly, I know I've been complaining about my ribs, but I feel like anyone else would be sidelined. I mean, I know I've done some damage here). I've done lots of reading and considering, so I am confident that I'm making an informed decision here.

What I like least is uncertainty (says the woman who wouldn't find out the sex of the child). If I know that something will happen in 10 days, then I can plan, prepare, and relax, and that, ultimately is better for me, which I argue is better then for the kid. So, there it is. I feel good about this. Do I hope that this happens spontaneously before the 24th? Yes. But do I take comfort in knowing that something will happen by the 24th? Most certainly. And this is the most relaxed I've felt in 3 weeks.

The Good, the Bad, and the Very Uncomfortable

I am grumpies. I am large and uncomfortable. I thought I was uncomfortable last week, but I am more uncomfortable this week. I have many of the things that I want to read, but it's uncomfortable to sit and read. I like laying down right now. And I can't read while laying in bed. Last night I just could not get comfortable at all. I'm trying not to focus on my discomfort, but it's hard not to do.

I haven't gone grocery shopping in a long time. So my eating is pathetic right now, which feeds into my discomfort, and maybe the kid is mad at me. Part of the problem is that I'm starving and full all at the same time and nothing, I mean, NOTHING tastes good to me at all. And I still have 24 more days (at least) to go. And the cybercamp is going well, except that it's getting harder and harder to be comfortable sitting for two hours in auditorium chairs.

It's also hot. I like the heat, except I do not right now at all. There are things I want to get done, and while I was optimistic about a week ago regarding my energy levels, this week I am not.

Also, I find that I am becoming misanthropic here lately. If one more person tells me to "just hang in there" I will start hitting people. To put it in perspective, it's akin to telling someone on the job market that "surely something will turn up. just hang in there." No. That's not what I want to hear at this moment and it doesn't help.

And I splurged on a shellac manicure because it's supposed to last for two weeks without chipping, peeling, fading, whatever. That was Friday. By Monday two had chipped. Another chipped last night, and I was able to peel a fourth. It's not even been a week. I'm pissed.

Some Positives to balance out this Negativity:

The thing on the Divine Miss T's neck has gone away. There's like a dime sized little knot there now. Last Wednesday when I got home it was about three inches long and about an inch wide. Yay! I continue to be glad that our "no vet stress unless she's in distress" rule prevailed here and that I didn't totally overreact.

My haircut went well last week. Thankfully.

All baby clothes, bedding, blankets, nursing pads, etc. are washed.

Last night I had a dream that George Takei sent ninjas to my house to destroy to ensure that I went camping with him. It was crazy.

The Red Rocket has been extra cuddly lately because I think he knows he's about to become a middle child and won't be the baby anymore.

Today I will make myself get on the waiting list for daycare, buy the football season tickets (the J and my dad are so wanting season tickets, so I guess we're all going--it'll be fun), go to the grocery, and go through the cookbooks to find good freezable meals so that this weekend I can start stockpiling the freezer like I said I was going to start doing 2 weeks ago. I will do these things.

But first, I will walk the dogs.

Better!

FedEx found my package. The guy delivered it to the wrong address, which I suspected, but I didn't want to wander around my neighborhood knocking on doors asking if my package had accidentally been delivered to them. But FedEx found it. Quite quickly, too, I might add. I was impressed. I'll stop bad mouthing them behind closed doors.

I feel confident, too, that I've found a hairdresser here. She can do highlights/lowlights AND cut hair! She can cut my hair!! And I like her because she's not afraid of me. She has confidence in her abilities and knows that she knows what she's doing and that she's the expert. And I like that. And she can interpret what I want. So I think she'll do. Which is great. I mean, up until now, it's been fine just waiting until we go to Home City to my girl there, but now that the kid is on the way, I imagine our travels to and fro are not going to be as frequent, so I do need to find someone here who knows what she's doing because I'm vain.

Miss T's neck seems to be going down in the swelling category. Old girl does not seem to be in distress, so we're still monitoring her, but all seems fine with the old girl. Except the heat. I need to start walking her around the yard during the afternoons, but stubborn girl wants to walk, but I can tell the heat affects her. We're going to have to work on that.

Every single item of baby clothing/stuff with the exception of one large blanket is washed. Some tidying needs to be done, the co-sleeper assembled, and the car seat installed, but other than that, I feel like we're pretty well set here to receive the child--being parents? That's a different story. But I'm totally enamored with how cute those tiny little diapers are! Of course I know they're cute until they're full. Ha!

I think that end of pregnancy nesting thing has kicked in. I was wide awake until about midnight last night. I've only gotten about 5 hours of sleep, but I'm wide awake and not tired today either.

So today, here's what I need to do:

• Mani/pedi--for sure. 
• Pick up some t-shirts I ordered from CrossFit that have been in for over a week.
• Grocery shop.
• Prep food.
• Vacuum.
• Change sheets.
• Get crib bedding set up.
• Stop by cell phone store to find out why my blue tooth doesn't work on my new phone.

I also need to get some good freezable paleo recipes that I can make and start stock piling food in the next week or so. Ideally, I'd like to have 3 months worth of paleo dinners in the freezer. That may be a lofty goal, but I'm going to do what I can. At least all the movies for the camp I'm doing next week are the same as the ones this week, so there's not much I need to do other than show up.

We're about 29 days from hatch date here. I guess this is the home stretch. 

And I think on that note, I'll have some breakfast, walk the mutts, get ready, and then get that mani/pedi first. Priorities, yo. 

pfffft.

Well, I'll start with all the things that are bothering me/have gone wrong in the last week, which most of it is probably me overreacting, but hormones are raging, I'm on this crazy sugar binge, and highly uncomfortable. But I've got to get it off my chest:

• My hair appointment last week was a mess and disappointing and I won't go back to her, although she's sweet and tried really hard, but I won't even go back to have her fix my hair for free. First of all, I arrived five minutes before my appointment. I sat there for 10 minutes before my presence was acknowledged. Then I was told she was running behind on a pedicure, and she was 30 minutes late. Generally not a big deal, but a HUGE deal to a very pregnant lady. Then she did my hair. Low-lights to blend the blonde. No. After sitting in the chair for an hour, there was no change in my hair color. So she did it again after she cut and styled it. Then she asked me about my haircut. I brought a picture. Not even close. "Do you like the cut blunt or something with an edge to it?" Me: "Edge. Do not cut it blunt. My hair doesn't work with a blunt cut." What did I get? A blunt bob with blunt layers. I was going to suck it up, but after a week, the color looks like dishwater, and for chin-length hair, it takes too long to do. I'm trying someone new today because the person who can cut hair (but isn't good at highlights) left the other salon. Sigh. We'll see.
• FedEx has claimed that they delivered my package; however, I have no package. Furthermore, the J was home at the time they claimed it was delivered, and he says he saw no truck, the dogs did not bark, and again, I have no package. FedEx is launching an "investigation." Nice.
• The Divine Miss T came home from the vet with a swollen neck. I thought perhaps just a reaction to getting vaccinated. It's never happened before, but she's old. But the swelling was huge by last night. Of course, I'm crying about a tumor, how I don't want her to die, how I want her to meet the baby, how she can't be sick. In other words, I was a total fucking mess last night. What it appears to be is just some sort of benign giant fluid filled cyst. She has a couple of these, not of this size, but I spent some time last night massaging her neck, and this reduced the swelling by 2/3. She has a slight swell this morning and a bit of a knot, but we decided that if massaging it makes it go down and it continues to decrease, then we'll hold off on the vet. Whatever it is is not affecting her. Her eating, drinking, and energy level is all the same as normal. She's not in distress. And massaging it apparently feels good. Even though she's old, I hesitate rushing her off to the vet because I feel like vet prodding is more traumatic if unnecessary than if we are rational about what's going on. I'm trying not to overreact. Our basic rule with the elderly one is that if she's not in distress then we don't want to stress her out with vet visits and tests and stuff. 
• I feel like shit. I just feel gross. My body just feels disgusting, and I feel like it hates me. I also feel like this somehow means that the kid is working on making its entrance. It could also be that since I've been traveling and eating not that well (well, not terrible except the last three days, but it's because I don't feel good so I'm eating comfort stuff), so what the hell do I know about this? I've never been through this. So we'll see if cleaning up the diet has any effect or if I still feel crappy. If I still feel crappy, I'll take it as a sign that I need to get things finalized here for the kid. However, my gut feeling is that Magpie will be here by week 38. It also feels like its getting ornery in there.

Okay, I guess I feel a bit better now after getting that off my chest. Now for the good things:

So much love for the Magpie this weekend! Though the vast majority of my family may in general be bat-shit crazy tea baggers (that's a whole other post), they are very very generous. We got a lot of good stuff this weekend. As a matter of fact, we've gotten so much stuff from our showers that we've only had to spend about $1200 out of pocket for kid related stuff (including diapers and stuff, but not including maternity clothes or my obnoxious chair). Which, I think for a first kid and for people who don't know what they're doing and who love to spend money without thinking, I feel like we've come off pretty good with only spending $1200 of our own money. And my parents said that they're going to reimburse us for the breast pump, so if they do (I'm not going to hound them for that), then that number goes down. I'd like to have some more bottles, but other than that, we don't need anything else. And while I told her she didn't need to, a friend is getting us the Moby wrap, which is too kind, but that's the last thing that we want that's not necessary but will be very very nice to have. 

The cybercamp started this week. It's not time consuming, and it's not like it pays a whole lot, but enough to be worth the effort to do it, and I actually enjoy it. I don't do much. But I just like being a part of it. It's a good gig.  It's starting to get uncomfortable sitting for two hours watching a movie every night, but it's cool. I can deal with it. It'll be even more uncomfortable next week, but it's fine. I'll live. 

Hahaha, I think the kid has hiccups. And it's moving around a lot this morning. I can see it through my robe and tank top. I imagine it's getting crowded in there.

So I suppose I'll eat and get on with my day here. Hair appointment, doctor's appointment, I need to finish the movie for tonight. Busy day. At least it's summer!