I have a pretty good sense at the "what" that needs to be done this summer. The thing that I often struggle with is the "how." As fond as I am of making to do lists and having plans, I don't know if they ever really help with the "how." I'm not very good at putting together research plans. And that's what I've got to work on in the next couple of days here before "summer" camp starts next week.
What I need to work on today is the camp stuff. And I've got a good sense of that at least.
I also, right now, am setting myself up with constant reminders/motivational stuff (not like motivational but stuff to keep me motivated) so that I can stay on task.
I'm also trying to work on balance. Rather than just wholly immersing myself in research reading, I am actually taking the time to pleasure read, which is something that I just don't get to do.
I'm also trying to prioritize tasks. Rather than working on everything all at once, I'm working on trying to figure out what what should get done when so that I don't become overwhelmed thinking or acting like it all needs to get done NOW! But I also want to enjoy summer, too.
Ack, so much to figure out.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
After a craptastic quarter, in all aspects of my life, not just academically, it has become clear that I need to do some revamping.
I hate making declarations like "I'm going to do this!" because public accountability doesn't do much for me, and the moment I declare something is a sure fire way for me not to accomplish something.
Right now, I'm feeling hopeful about the summer and what I can accomplish. I would say that not only is my plate full, but it's overflowing.
I'm a bit stressed. Personally, there's a lot of pressure, too. The house in Home City still hasn't sold, and we're kind of limbo with that. The birth control I was on did not do what it was supposed to do, which is rare, but happens. Instead, it just sort of went haywire. And then when I got really sick (five weeks nearly!) and was on steroids, that just blew everything out of proportion in my body. My hormones are whack, but on the mend. So that's a bit stressful, too.
Anyway, it just means I have a lot to accomplish between now and September.
I hate making declarations like "I'm going to do this!" because public accountability doesn't do much for me, and the moment I declare something is a sure fire way for me not to accomplish something.
Right now, I'm feeling hopeful about the summer and what I can accomplish. I would say that not only is my plate full, but it's overflowing.
I'm a bit stressed. Personally, there's a lot of pressure, too. The house in Home City still hasn't sold, and we're kind of limbo with that. The birth control I was on did not do what it was supposed to do, which is rare, but happens. Instead, it just sort of went haywire. And then when I got really sick (five weeks nearly!) and was on steroids, that just blew everything out of proportion in my body. My hormones are whack, but on the mend. So that's a bit stressful, too.
Anyway, it just means I have a lot to accomplish between now and September.
Monday, March 23, 2015
After what I guess looked sort of like a meltdown on Thursday, I'm better. I think Thursdays are just super bad for me. They're a long day at the end of a long week. So maybe now that I recognize that, I can be better at handling them.
Things always look better on Mondays. I've got a probably long night ahead of me. Last night was long, too.
The Magpie has allergies on top of wicked sinus infection, which I think is worse than the last one, and tonsillitis on top of that. This last round of antibiotics, one to which she generally responds well has just done a number on her. Last night, she wouldn't go to sleep. Then she woke up at 3:30 this morning, which is extraordinarily unusual, as in NEVER happens, and it took her quite some time to settle down. That was rough. She hadn't settled down for her nap when I left to come to campus either. I think it's going to take some time for her to get used to the allergy medicine. And the antibiotics aren't agreeing with her at night time right now, so we're giving it to her a little sooner each day (thankfully only two days left). But man, I feel for this kid. She is absolutely miserable.
Once I made the decision to let my focus be on my research this quarter and just do the necessary minimum to be effective and good at my job, I've felt much better. With the sick kid and a service obligation for the department this weekend and lack of sleep, I've not been able to get anything done since then, but knowing that that's the decision I've made has made me feel better. This stuff needs to get done, and get done soon. One article has got to be sent out before the quarter ends and the other one needs to be drafted. I can do this. I know I can.
So I must go teach now. And then my day is over from a work standpoint. I just hope this kid sleeps a bit better tonight. Poor baby.
Things always look better on Mondays. I've got a probably long night ahead of me. Last night was long, too.
The Magpie has allergies on top of wicked sinus infection, which I think is worse than the last one, and tonsillitis on top of that. This last round of antibiotics, one to which she generally responds well has just done a number on her. Last night, she wouldn't go to sleep. Then she woke up at 3:30 this morning, which is extraordinarily unusual, as in NEVER happens, and it took her quite some time to settle down. That was rough. She hadn't settled down for her nap when I left to come to campus either. I think it's going to take some time for her to get used to the allergy medicine. And the antibiotics aren't agreeing with her at night time right now, so we're giving it to her a little sooner each day (thankfully only two days left). But man, I feel for this kid. She is absolutely miserable.
Once I made the decision to let my focus be on my research this quarter and just do the necessary minimum to be effective and good at my job, I've felt much better. With the sick kid and a service obligation for the department this weekend and lack of sleep, I've not been able to get anything done since then, but knowing that that's the decision I've made has made me feel better. This stuff needs to get done, and get done soon. One article has got to be sent out before the quarter ends and the other one needs to be drafted. I can do this. I know I can.
So I must go teach now. And then my day is over from a work standpoint. I just hope this kid sleeps a bit better tonight. Poor baby.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
I teach here in about 5 minutes.
Sort of like last quarter, I just cannot make myself care about this quarter at all.
Am I burned out? Does my schedule actually suck and perhaps it's not the best schedule? But I don't want to teach five days a week. Ugh. These office hours are killing me. I know I complain about that a lot, but damn. I could get so much more done not here.
TRs are just so rushed and I'm never ready to go when I need to and there's so much going on and ugh. I need to actually get things together on MW nights so that TR mornings aren't so heinous.
I need a sabbatical in which to get my work done; however, nothing like that is granted in this department. Every three years I think we get a one course course release in the spring, but then we get stuck with an upper division class or two preps including a comp class, so it's not like quarter is made easier with the course release. And we've still got to have 6-7 office hours. And I don't know when I'm due for one.
I'm starting to stress out because I did not get the stuff I wanted to get finished before spring quarter started, so as usual, I feel like I'm starting already behind, and it has me stressed.
And it's time to teach. More later...
And I'm done with the first class.
I really wish I knew what my problem is. Maybe I just need some sort of reset. I just feel totally dissatisfied with just about every aspect of my life--the only exception is the hubs and kid. But right now, I don't know. I don't look forward to being on campus at all. I'm sure it's just a rut, but I need to get motivated.
I just don't want to do anything related to teaching right now. What I want to do is just focus on research and writing, and maybe that is what I just need to do. Teaching isn't going to get me tenure. Research will. Maybe that's the solution to just put the focus there.
Maybe I should make that promise to myself--I hate to phrase it this way, but perhaps I need to do the minimum to effectively teach so that I can focus on my work because perhaps my lack of motivation is over some concern about tenure and some stress about it, and what I cannot do is shut down and not get tenure. I want things in the pipeline so that next year isn't ten times worse than this year and I'm frantically trying to get something done.
All right, so I'll force myself to work right now so I don't have to worry about it. I just don't feel like going to teach again in an hour. But I just don't give a shit.
Nice attitude right?
I need summertime.
Sort of like last quarter, I just cannot make myself care about this quarter at all.
Am I burned out? Does my schedule actually suck and perhaps it's not the best schedule? But I don't want to teach five days a week. Ugh. These office hours are killing me. I know I complain about that a lot, but damn. I could get so much more done not here.
TRs are just so rushed and I'm never ready to go when I need to and there's so much going on and ugh. I need to actually get things together on MW nights so that TR mornings aren't so heinous.
I need a sabbatical in which to get my work done; however, nothing like that is granted in this department. Every three years I think we get a one course course release in the spring, but then we get stuck with an upper division class or two preps including a comp class, so it's not like quarter is made easier with the course release. And we've still got to have 6-7 office hours. And I don't know when I'm due for one.
I'm starting to stress out because I did not get the stuff I wanted to get finished before spring quarter started, so as usual, I feel like I'm starting already behind, and it has me stressed.
And it's time to teach. More later...
And I'm done with the first class.
I really wish I knew what my problem is. Maybe I just need some sort of reset. I just feel totally dissatisfied with just about every aspect of my life--the only exception is the hubs and kid. But right now, I don't know. I don't look forward to being on campus at all. I'm sure it's just a rut, but I need to get motivated.
I just don't want to do anything related to teaching right now. What I want to do is just focus on research and writing, and maybe that is what I just need to do. Teaching isn't going to get me tenure. Research will. Maybe that's the solution to just put the focus there.
Maybe I should make that promise to myself--I hate to phrase it this way, but perhaps I need to do the minimum to effectively teach so that I can focus on my work because perhaps my lack of motivation is over some concern about tenure and some stress about it, and what I cannot do is shut down and not get tenure. I want things in the pipeline so that next year isn't ten times worse than this year and I'm frantically trying to get something done.
All right, so I'll force myself to work right now so I don't have to worry about it. I just don't feel like going to teach again in an hour. But I just don't give a shit.
Nice attitude right?
I need summertime.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
This is little more than bitching and moaning.
Well, it's the start of a new quarter and I'm in a bad mood.
Again.
Argh. Perhaps it's the weather. I wish I could snap out of this.
I'm just feeling like super down. The J is leaving for two weeks. It's spring quarter which means the clock is ticking. Yesterday I was fine, but the long Thursday for some reason set me off.
Seriously, 10 fucking office hours a week for a quarter system with semester hour classes is just way too much. The idea, I heard, is to "force" us to do our research in our office to ensure we are researching 10 hours a week, and to make ourselves available to students during those "research" hours. Um, no, I'm not my most productive in my office or when I'm supposed to be meeting with students. So in order to have any time for anything outside of class and office hours, I have a schedule that has me here from 8-2 every day or I have super long days with one day off during the week which isn't used for research because I have to do things like go to the grocery and food prep while the kid is at daycare so I don't spend my entire weekend doing chores and working and not seeing the kid or the husband. As it is, I get up at five in the morning to do my research and when I can, I work at night. But when I work at night, that means I don't get to see the husband. It was annoying before the kid came along because I could still do things at odd hours like go to the grocery later in the day or something, do food prep at night or in an afternoon, or I could work out in the afternoon or read/work at odd times. But now, that kind of flexibility doesn't exist, and that is very stressful with 10 fucking office hours. Ten fucking office hours sandwiched in between 2 hour long classes. The people I know who get things done stay up until like 2 am and get up 20 minutes before they have to teach. I wish that were my option.
I know. I should be happy to have a t-t job. And I did say at the start of the year that I was working on reframing my attitude, but it's a morning like this morning that's rushed and rainy and I don't feel good and whatever that make me just hate the world. I seriously don't know how people do it.
And I'm feeling the pressure of being behind my own deadline. I was supposed to have that article written by this point and be started on the conference paper/article. And I am not.
Other things annoying me:
1) The house is a mess. A total fucking mess. I have no room for anything AND I'm basically a hoarder so I am having a serious problem getting rid of things. I think it's borderline clinical or pathological or something. I seriously have a very hard time getting rid of anything. It is nearly physically and mentally impossible for me to do so.
2) It's hard to clean around the amount of stuff that I have.
3) I am really fucking depressed and I am not entirely sure why.
4) Depression and lack of sleep (despite working out like I do) has led to some weight gain which further depresses me more.
5) Because I'm depressed and have gained weight, my body is achy and hurts and I know it's all related and I'm frustrated because I can't seem to fix it.
6) I'm about to go to class all pissy, and it's the first day, and I hate doing that.
7) I feel like I'm bitching a lot lately and I totally and completely hate myself for it.
8) I apparently am directing a lot of bad energy toward myself.
9) No matter how much I do, or what I do, I can't seem to keep up with anything.
10) Nothing's coming up Milhouse, and I'm pissed about it.
But I'll end on some positive things:
1) Magpie is amazing. In the last week she has decided that she LOVES daycare and can't wait to go to school everyday.
2) She has a few more new words.
3) I love her smile.
4) I love even more when she runs up to me and throws herself into me when I get home.
Blerg. Thanks for listening.
Again.
Argh. Perhaps it's the weather. I wish I could snap out of this.
I'm just feeling like super down. The J is leaving for two weeks. It's spring quarter which means the clock is ticking. Yesterday I was fine, but the long Thursday for some reason set me off.
Seriously, 10 fucking office hours a week for a quarter system with semester hour classes is just way too much. The idea, I heard, is to "force" us to do our research in our office to ensure we are researching 10 hours a week, and to make ourselves available to students during those "research" hours. Um, no, I'm not my most productive in my office or when I'm supposed to be meeting with students. So in order to have any time for anything outside of class and office hours, I have a schedule that has me here from 8-2 every day or I have super long days with one day off during the week which isn't used for research because I have to do things like go to the grocery and food prep while the kid is at daycare so I don't spend my entire weekend doing chores and working and not seeing the kid or the husband. As it is, I get up at five in the morning to do my research and when I can, I work at night. But when I work at night, that means I don't get to see the husband. It was annoying before the kid came along because I could still do things at odd hours like go to the grocery later in the day or something, do food prep at night or in an afternoon, or I could work out in the afternoon or read/work at odd times. But now, that kind of flexibility doesn't exist, and that is very stressful with 10 fucking office hours. Ten fucking office hours sandwiched in between 2 hour long classes. The people I know who get things done stay up until like 2 am and get up 20 minutes before they have to teach. I wish that were my option.
I know. I should be happy to have a t-t job. And I did say at the start of the year that I was working on reframing my attitude, but it's a morning like this morning that's rushed and rainy and I don't feel good and whatever that make me just hate the world. I seriously don't know how people do it.
And I'm feeling the pressure of being behind my own deadline. I was supposed to have that article written by this point and be started on the conference paper/article. And I am not.
Other things annoying me:
1) The house is a mess. A total fucking mess. I have no room for anything AND I'm basically a hoarder so I am having a serious problem getting rid of things. I think it's borderline clinical or pathological or something. I seriously have a very hard time getting rid of anything. It is nearly physically and mentally impossible for me to do so.
2) It's hard to clean around the amount of stuff that I have.
3) I am really fucking depressed and I am not entirely sure why.
4) Depression and lack of sleep (despite working out like I do) has led to some weight gain which further depresses me more.
5) Because I'm depressed and have gained weight, my body is achy and hurts and I know it's all related and I'm frustrated because I can't seem to fix it.
6) I'm about to go to class all pissy, and it's the first day, and I hate doing that.
7) I feel like I'm bitching a lot lately and I totally and completely hate myself for it.
8) I apparently am directing a lot of bad energy toward myself.
9) No matter how much I do, or what I do, I can't seem to keep up with anything.
10) Nothing's coming up Milhouse, and I'm pissed about it.
But I'll end on some positive things:
1) Magpie is amazing. In the last week she has decided that she LOVES daycare and can't wait to go to school everyday.
2) She has a few more new words.
3) I love her smile.
4) I love even more when she runs up to me and throws herself into me when I get home.
Blerg. Thanks for listening.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Oh man, I'm so freaking grumpy today. Argh.
First, I don't know how this happened, but I forgot to eat breakfast.
Second, and again, I don't know how this happened, but I forgot to pack my snack. And I've got 4 hours of teaching in front of me.
I've been sick since Friday. Again. This time though it's like a sinus/cold/allergy thing.
The kid is still sick.
Allow me to rant about this. Obviously, it's fine that the pediatrician is on maternity leave. And good for her for being able to take three months. I'm jealous she gets that. But okay, you know, this wasn't like sudden. The office knew she was going to be gone. The other doctor knew she was going to be gone. I asked, "so when you go on maternity leave, will Magpie just see Dr. X?" Answer: yes. Okay, no big deal. Magpie has had a cough for 2-3 weeks now. And this intermittent diarrhea for almost two weeks now. But no fever. She puked the other day, but no fever. I call the pediatrician--look, no fever, but the kid is sick. There's something going on with her. I need an appointment. Answer: Uh, well, pediatrician had her baby so we're basically closed until the end of April. Dr. X isn't seeing kids without a fever over 6 mos of age. If you're worried, then just take her to Quick Care.
Me: Uh, no I don't want to take her to Quick Care. Answer: Well, that's really you're only option because Dr. X is filling in for three other practioners, so there really are no appointments available.
Me: sigh.
You know what pisses me off besides the obvious is that these people know Magpie's history. Until whatever she has is full blown, she doesn't get a fever, but I know when this kid is freaking sick, and I've only been wrong twice in her numerous times at the doctor (and we're probably at close to 100+ visits for illness in her short life time already), so I'm not some nervous mom who's like "oh no, my baby sneezed! Please it's ebola, I have to be seen!"
If it's just a lingering virus and there's nothing to be done but let it run its course, fine, but I think this warrants a dr. visit. So long story short (too late!), since her former pediatrician still doesn't have her new practice up yet, we are going somewhere new tomorrow morning and I will schlep all of her medical records I can get to the new doctor so she has some sense of the medical life of Magpie, and I don't get labeled as crazy nervous mother. I'm just so angry right now. I hope she's fine and it's nothing. But even though she's eating, her appetite is down and she's a bit fussy, which isn't her, and well, I am a nervous worrier, so hopefully it's nothing. Maybe she misses her grandparents. Maybe it's stress. I don't know.
I love that kid, though. I let her play hookey from school yesterday because I had the day off (and she puked on Tuesday), and I just wanted to hangout with her and have pajama time and story time and cuddle time and Magpie time.
Thanks for letting me vent. I guess I have to go teach now.
First, I don't know how this happened, but I forgot to eat breakfast.
Second, and again, I don't know how this happened, but I forgot to pack my snack. And I've got 4 hours of teaching in front of me.
I've been sick since Friday. Again. This time though it's like a sinus/cold/allergy thing.
The kid is still sick.
Allow me to rant about this. Obviously, it's fine that the pediatrician is on maternity leave. And good for her for being able to take three months. I'm jealous she gets that. But okay, you know, this wasn't like sudden. The office knew she was going to be gone. The other doctor knew she was going to be gone. I asked, "so when you go on maternity leave, will Magpie just see Dr. X?" Answer: yes. Okay, no big deal. Magpie has had a cough for 2-3 weeks now. And this intermittent diarrhea for almost two weeks now. But no fever. She puked the other day, but no fever. I call the pediatrician--look, no fever, but the kid is sick. There's something going on with her. I need an appointment. Answer: Uh, well, pediatrician had her baby so we're basically closed until the end of April. Dr. X isn't seeing kids without a fever over 6 mos of age. If you're worried, then just take her to Quick Care.
Me: Uh, no I don't want to take her to Quick Care. Answer: Well, that's really you're only option because Dr. X is filling in for three other practioners, so there really are no appointments available.
Me: sigh.
You know what pisses me off besides the obvious is that these people know Magpie's history. Until whatever she has is full blown, she doesn't get a fever, but I know when this kid is freaking sick, and I've only been wrong twice in her numerous times at the doctor (and we're probably at close to 100+ visits for illness in her short life time already), so I'm not some nervous mom who's like "oh no, my baby sneezed! Please it's ebola, I have to be seen!"
If it's just a lingering virus and there's nothing to be done but let it run its course, fine, but I think this warrants a dr. visit. So long story short (too late!), since her former pediatrician still doesn't have her new practice up yet, we are going somewhere new tomorrow morning and I will schlep all of her medical records I can get to the new doctor so she has some sense of the medical life of Magpie, and I don't get labeled as crazy nervous mother. I'm just so angry right now. I hope she's fine and it's nothing. But even though she's eating, her appetite is down and she's a bit fussy, which isn't her, and well, I am a nervous worrier, so hopefully it's nothing. Maybe she misses her grandparents. Maybe it's stress. I don't know.
I love that kid, though. I let her play hookey from school yesterday because I had the day off (and she puked on Tuesday), and I just wanted to hangout with her and have pajama time and story time and cuddle time and Magpie time.
Thanks for letting me vent. I guess I have to go teach now.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
None of us had a good night last night. I was starving and stressed. Magpie was just out of sorts and had a major blowout in her sleep that I could smell as soon as I opened the door to turn off the fan and we had to wake her up and she was not happy at all! She's got a cough only during napping and nighttime and some sort of eczema flare up on her wrists. I didn't get the stuff prepped for the crock pot tonight so it's bacon and eggs for dinner. I've gotten my grading done for the day at least. I had a good workout this morning--I'm a bit beat from it, but it was good. It's been really good for my confidence to move up to the competitor level.
I do need to think more about my schedule here. But it actually won't be an issue until next winter, so I guess I don't really have to spend that much energy on it right now.
What I need to spend energy on is the article. I did get some research done toward it this morning, so that felt good, even though I went to bed stressed last night and didn't want to get up at all this morning to work, but I'm glad I did.
I miss my parents. I'm actually having a hard time adjusting to it, truth be told here. I mean, it's been good for us to have our time together, but the Mags is missing her grandparents. And honestly, I'm missing the help. The house is a mess. Last time I had it together, but this time, I don't know if it was just because J was gone this weekend too and life has been stressful, but ugh. I wish the house were in better shape.
Well, I'm going to spend some time reading and also writing about my goals--my plan for the article among other things and try to relax some before I go teach.
I do need to think more about my schedule here. But it actually won't be an issue until next winter, so I guess I don't really have to spend that much energy on it right now.
What I need to spend energy on is the article. I did get some research done toward it this morning, so that felt good, even though I went to bed stressed last night and didn't want to get up at all this morning to work, but I'm glad I did.
I miss my parents. I'm actually having a hard time adjusting to it, truth be told here. I mean, it's been good for us to have our time together, but the Mags is missing her grandparents. And honestly, I'm missing the help. The house is a mess. Last time I had it together, but this time, I don't know if it was just because J was gone this weekend too and life has been stressful, but ugh. I wish the house were in better shape.
Well, I'm going to spend some time reading and also writing about my goals--my plan for the article among other things and try to relax some before I go teach.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)