I think I'm in a rut. I think I've been saying this for almost a year now. I felt like maybe I had gotten out of it over the summer, but I don't think so.
Maybe it's just stress and a lack of organization, a feeling of a sense of all pervasive clutter, a lack of focus or desire.
Could I actually be depressed again? Is that why I'm feeling really good one day and then horribly stressed out and overworked the next? Is that why my body aches won't go away and why my cortisol is all out of whack? Did I just figure out what my problem is? Is this just my body's way of reacting to the things I'm stressed and worried about? Is this why I keep feeling like I can't keep my head above water?
Maybe that's it. Maybe if that's the problem then I can begin to work on it to fix it. It's better than not knowing what the problem is.
I don't think it's anything big either. I'm just really down a lot of the time right now. Maybe it was my crappier diet than normal last month with the start of school. Maybe it was my ill-timed caffeine abandonment. And there's nothing going on at school or with me and the J that's causing anything, so there's no major difficulties in my life right now. I mean, I'd like to pay stuff off and get the J's car fixed so I can have my car back, but you know, that's nothing to be depressed about. I'd like it if I could finally get my head above water so that I could work on my own stuff. I'd like it if I could figure out what I want to work on!
I did get almost all of the book I'm teaching this week read on Sunday. I had 100 pages more to read than I thought I did because I'm really good at addition apparently, but I've got today's stuff read, and I think rather than prep here I'm going to go to *$ to go prep so it seems less taxing. I don't want to do it here because I'll be thinking about all the other things around the house that needs to be done. I don't want to work in my office because then it will feel like work and I don't want to be working this early. So the coffee shop seems like a nice neutral place.
Yesterday, also, I gave, collected, graded, and calculated roughly 60+ in-class midterm exams and graded and commented on the critical analyses from the novel class. I still have some lit analyses that the students turned in yesterday in the survey class and their take home mid-terms to grade this week. I'm trying really hard to limit my grading to the office. I feel less stressed when I grade at the office rather than doing it here or a coffee shop. Sigh.
Did I tell you that the J took me shopping for some new clothes this weekend? And I ordered a couple of things on line, including some new glasses, so I should have stuff coming all this week, which is cool--it's like getting a bunch of presents and stuff. :) Maybe the new clothes will help. I've been in between sizes for a while now; I've given away a bunch of clothes, and I haven't updated my work wardrobe in two years +. I was trying to go for a new look at the start of the school year, and I hate to say it, but I spent all this money on some glasses that I actually haven't gotten comfortable in yet, but maybe that's because I also didn't like the hair cut I got at the same time, or the fact that my wardrobe just seemed stale. So maybe that's it. Maybe I just needed a complete overhaul? My hair has grown out a bit since the last week of August. I've got new stuff. Maybe that's what I needed.
And more sleep. Or a massage.
In any case, thanks for letting me just brain dump here and work through my morning downness. The mutts are at the door which means they're ready for their 7:30 walk, so I'm going to get to it and then head to the coffee shop. The J made breakfast this morning before he left, so that's already taken care of, too.
Have a good day folks!
ETA: So if I can get 12-15 take home exams graded during my office hours between now and Friday, I can get them all done with minimal stress and exhaustion, rather than going for some marathon grading session. And I will have only had them for a week if they get them back Friday. That's not bad at all. I've also decided to really pare down the grading: 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80, 85, 90, 95. And I've decided that to keep things simple and uniform, thus eliminating the need to write the same things over and over on their exams (which would be only to help them for the final--they can't revise these essays), is to make a sheet/rubric specifically for this exam that says all the things I'd put on their essays anyway, but now I only have to write it once. And I was doing the rubric as I went for this first batch to get a sense of the "norm" and what I'd be writing on the essays. Now that I've gotten all the grades outlined (except the 85), I think it will go much easier now. We'll see how this works after I give them their exams back.
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