Not that I really think I necessarily need to apologize, but I want to apologize for my "Fuck All the Things" post yesterday. It was unnecessarily negative, and I don't want to spread that around. So, I'm sorry. Sometimes though (although it seems more often than not lately), things just seem so bleak and like "what's even the point?"

I didn't get much sleep last night because I stayed up as long as I could to watch the World Series. Seriously. It was such a tense game that I woke up with a headache, and I didn't even know the outcome until this morning. The only reason I could get away with watching as long as I did was because I only have office hours today.

I'd be less stressed if we weren't going out of town this weekend. Don't get me wrong; I'm very very much looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to seeing my aunt and uncle, to get a break from laundry and cooking, to having an extra hand with the kid. And it's not a long drive either. Four hours max. But it's just, whew, a lot to get done between now and tomorrow night.

So why I am blogging then? I have to clear my head, get some focus on what needs to be done, and then get to it.

Fortunately I've got a fridge full of leftovers, enough so that I don't have to worry about lunch or dinner for the next two days, and enough that I believe I can freeze some and will have dinner for Sunday night when we get home, and I have stuff for the crock pot for next Monday, so that will alleviate some stress at least on that front.

All right, so there it is. I'm going to do some work for a bit and then call it a day and get done what I need to.

Just kind of frustrated.

I'm still just so meh. Ugh. Honestly, I think it's sleep. I think that's the biggest culprit right there. I got maybe almost seven hours of sleep last night which isn't enough. At least not with several days of less than seven hours, and in some cases less than six. I can't function that way. And it makes me depressed. But it also makes me long for a different life, which I think is in part related to my depression. But would I like a different life more, that is one in which I had a different job? Probably not.

It's just past midterm, and I'm done. I am at the point where I could not care less about the remainder of the quarter. That's pretty much the nature of the beast where I teach. Not only are we on a quarter system, but we teach semester hours. So the MWF classes are 75 minutes each and the TR classes are 110 minutes each. That in and of itself isn't that terrible, especially since I'm used to it and still run over. We have a 3/3/3 load. What is time consuming is the 10 office hours a week on top of this. TEN! That is ridiculous. The school labels itself as a "research" university, but even at the "teaching" college I was at where we were expected to focus on teaching and attentiveness to students, we had 3 hours per week of office hours. Even if it were five office hours, that would be fine. But 10 is highly burdensome and exhausting. Of course, most of my male colleagues don't even come close to holding that amount of time. And they get away with it. It's almost like it's expected that they need not be there. I think if I were to just not show up for five of my office hours each week, I suspect I'd get a good talking to. I think I'd be so much less exhausted (we all would) if we had more time in which to do other things in our lives during the day like cook, laundry, attend to kids/personal stuff rather than having to squeeze it in the time frame between 4-6 in the evenings. I actually think faculty might be more inclined to show up at uni events if the burden of the 10 office hours a week were lifted. But seriously, if I'm here from 8:45 until 4 pm two days a week and then from say, best case scenario 11-4pm the other two days of the week, the last thing I want to do is come back after being here 7-8 hours already for a 2-3 hour event. No. It's unreasonable. And I don't think I'm being unreasonable in saying such.

It makes me cranky. Yes, in theory I can use those 10 hours to get research done, but my office is not where I do my best work. I get my grading done here and some prep. If I want to be generous, if there are no students showing up, then yes, it's a forced prep productivity time. And maybe my problems would be solved if I were able to do my research and stuff in my office. Maybe I am being a whiny-pants. But whatever. I don't know anyone else at any other institution who much hold that amount of office hours.

The expectation is that we can cram a semester's worth of work into 10 weeks. How is that even possible in the humanities? I mean, there is no way I can cover 16 weeks worth of material in 10 weeks. I cannot have my students read 1.5 novels a week to cover the same amount of reading. And in classes like Am lit 1865-WWII I get to spend 2.5 weeks on three different movements? It's like an, I don't know, fancy survey class. Put that up against someone on semesters and my students fall short in terms of reading breadth, depth, and material understanding. It's one of the reasons why I think most of our students end up still in our program for grad school because they just can't compete, at least in American lit, with other students. It's frustrating, demoralizing, time consuming, and sucks the life out of my soul sometimes, especially post-midterm.

This fires me up in part to try to get my work and such done so that I have more opportunity for mobility. But then the other part of me is all like "what's the use?" But then there's the issue of tenure, so I need that work done, but I'm less inspired to do stellar work.

However, that's all I want to do. I just want to write. It's the only thing I've wanted to do since I was like 4. And sometimes I get really quite depressed because that's not what I'm doing. I don't know how to make that a priority though. I love academic writing actually as much as I love creative writing, but I can't seem to justify making it the number one thing. Every other thing seems so important. Ugh. I don't know. I struggle with this and struggle with this, but I just don't know what can give. I have to do some soul searching.

Really what I want to do is just say "Fuck All the Things!" and do what the fuck I please and what will make me happy.

And now I'll grade for a little bit more before class.

So.Far.Behind.

Y'all, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control here! I am missing deadlines on the grad class. I'm behind on the grad class now. I had planned on reading the text I needed to this past weekend (I have to give a working title for the chapter, but I've never actually read the text or seen the movie, but I didn't expect I'd have to give a title this early! It's not due until end of Feb), and it was just a book on criticism and my copy of the text was in my office so I ordered it for the kindle, and damn, I cannot read serious stuff on the kindle. I can read light reading on there, but when it comes to something "deep," nope. I could not follow. So now I'm behind on that because I have no idea what the story is about.

I'm behind on the book for the grad class. I haven't read that one in about 18 years. Yikes.

I'm behind on the grad class grading.

I'm behind on the article.

I'm behind on the book proposal.

In short, I'm behind on life.

I'm now stressed about money and tenure.

And I'm having trouble sleeping, which of course makes the stress worse.

I'm am having trouble keeping my $hit together and being successful at anything here.

I did get the food for the week prepped, so at least I don't have to worry about that. Cooking should be easy. I've got a load of clothes in the washer that need to go in the dryer, and once I put the clothes away, the laundry room is empty, so that means the laundry is finished.

I'm plagued by headaches because of the stress. Having the internet go out on campus that one morning really set me very far behind schedule. It sucks. I'm overwhelmed, and I hate that feeling. And I know the way not to feel this way is to get things done, but there are so many things to get done. And everything is both urgent and important. Yesterday I had to take a nap. Both the hubs and I were so snippy at each other, and I pretty much abandoned the kid to him yesterday. She didn't seem to miss me--she got lots of daddy time which she doesn't get during the week, but still. Argh.

I feel like I'm simply in survival mode right now. I hate that feeling. I don't want to be in survival mode. I want to be in thrival mode (I'm going to just make up words here).

All right, well anyway, I'm going to make a to do list of what I need to get to work on for the next few days, set up some goals, and then try to get a little bit done before I leave campus and go home.

In which I just spill out everything that's in my head at the moment

In theory, the schedule that I made for myself this quarter should have worked. It really should have. I mean, all summer I was able to get up at 4:30 am and make the 5 am CF class, come home, shower, get the kid off to school and then do some work. The schedule I set for myself for this quarter should have mirrored what I was doing this summer. So far it has not. I have not been any more productive than before. My working out has dramatically decreased. Perhaps it's the actual "going to work" and not working from home that has made the difference and why I'm so tired? I thought this schedule was going to allow me more time to work on my own stuff and leave room open for food prep and grocery shopping during the week so that I didn't have to spend my weekends doing that stuff. Again, none of that has happened. Rather, I find that I am way less productive, have less time to do things like cook and grocery shop, that that stuff still gets stuck to the weekends in which I still drain myself cleaning, doing laundry, and trying to prep for the week, and because I get so tired on the weekends, I still don't get all the food prepped which means that it falls to during the week when there are other things to get done and then food gets wasted because between the time the kid gets home and she needs to eat, she gets the left overs and the good food because she can't just eat anything, and we get take out or something. Waste of money, time, and food. Then that stresses me out, then the whole cycle starts over again. And I've got a month of the quarter left to go still.

Right now I'm just a holy hot mess. Part of this stems from my desire not to have the kid at daycare at 7:30 am five days a week. She gets there at 8:30 am right now. She also sleeps until 7. So for me to teach earlier or try to have a different schedule means that I would also need to pack her a school breakfast in addition to her lunch, which would be a big hassle. Plus trying to get her there so early. I wonder if I might be less tired actually teaching five days a week and spreading the workload out rather than what I'm doing now. If the folks are going to be around for the spring for a while, this might work. And it will give me some rest. Sigh. I suppose it depends what I'm teaching as well.

My goal for the rest of the quarter is to just make it through. That's it. Just make it through until Nov. 19th.

I feel like I complain a lot lately, make a lot of plans, don't follow through, and that in turn is a source of stress. Because I want to be able to spend my weekends with the family. I don't want to spend the whole weekend working or cleaning. The kid is getting older. She loves to be outdoors. I don't want her to be cramped inside all weekend watching Elmo simply because I have a bunch of stuff to do that I couldn't get done during the week. And I'm worried that next quarter will be almost as bad, although I do seem to have been able to free up more time, but we'll see how that works.

And honestly, this issue of clutter. My god. I find that I now cannot function if there is a mess, so I'm still, even though I said I was going to take a break until I finished my article, I haven't been able to. I just so tired of moving crap from one spot to another to make room. I mean, the good news is that once I make room for something and declutter an area, it stays that way, so I'm not not only constantly cleaning and decluttering but also doing the same spots. No. Once a place is done, it's been staying done. That has to be considered progress. But I am impatient, and I wish I could do all the things at once. One of the few upsides to my parents not being here is that I can move everything to the guest room to get it out of the way and go through it as I can. It's a staging rather than storage area. But to make room to clean and declutter, one needs space, and the guest room has been a big help there with giving me a place to go through things while keeping other spaces clean and organized. If only my article were working like that. I had what I thought was a great breakthrough, and in some ways it is. It's just all the rest of the stuff that's a problem. I will see this through. It's just taking me longer than I anticipated.

I feel like perhaps this is another reason why I'm so drained--between the cleaning, the grading, and the writing and the trying to exercise and eat right, I feel like I've exhausted myself, and that does no one any good, least of all me. I mean, if the kid could eat pizza and processed foods, that's what she'd be eating right now and she'd be eating the crap school lunches (so if there is a blessing in disguise here, at least her allergies are forcing me to do something and keep her healthy and eating well, even if we are falling by the wayside--but then, if I'm cooking for her, I am cooking for all of us).

I feel like I complain a lot lately, too. Oh woe is me and my tired life. If I had more time/space/energy and less stuff (work, cleaning, possessions, life choices, debt) then things would be great. And that's true. They would be. And I know a lot of people who have it far worse than me would tell me to suck it up, it's not that hard, just do it, other people have it harder than you,  [insert condescending inspirational cliche' here], and in some ways those things are true. However, when one is stressed, overworked, emotionally overwhelmed, somewhat depressed and exhausted, getting out of bed *is hard.* Prepping food for the week and cooking seven nights a week *is hard.* Keeping a sick child healthy *is hard.* Is it single mom hard? Is it fighting cancer hard/battling debilitating illness hard? In the grand scheme of things, no, it's not hard like that. But do daily challenges sometimes become insurmountable battles? Yes. I know most of you guys who still read this blog get that. I know I'm preaching to the choir here. At some point though, I do have to deal with all of these things and figure out a way to be successful.

Goals for the day:

1. Catch up as much as possible on the rest of the grading.
2. Eat a decent lunch.
3. Make a quick dinner (tonight will probably be bacon and eggs especially since the hubs won't be home until about 10 pm.)
4. Do some reading. 
5. Fold some laundry.

Maybe that's what I need. Little lists of little goals that lead to bigger goals to not get overwhelmed. 

I thought I was further along in this article than I am: only 4983 words. That's not a whole lot to show for as long as I've been working on this thing I think--and that's counting the conference paper as well.

I got close to 400 words already this morning. I woke up with a headache, did some pleasure reading until the headache went away, showered, and then sat down to try to work through some stuff (yeah, I got up at 5:20 am or so).

I think I'm at the point to where I need to try to start putting the article together, to organize my notes and see what kind of shape I'm actually in here. At least I got some stuff written this morning so that when I get to my office, I can focus on the grading I need to do. Then I'll come home, run, shower, print everything out, and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to do any more "tidying," but I am. I have to. What needs to be started on next is in the back of my brain and I can't focus on anything until I start trying to make headway on that business. And since I already worked on my article this morning, that will be my "reward" for doing so. Also, the food for the week is prepped, so all I have to do is cook it, which is a nice thing to have done. I had a busy day yesterday in terms of food prep and laundry, though I didn't get anything done for the article, but I took care of a bunch of other things. 

That being said, I'm going to start working on the breakfasts and lunches for the day, and then it's off to campus. 

One of the things with which I'm struggling right now is the desire to do all the things all at once. There is neither time nor room nor practicality for this. I think if I were getting more sleep I'd be getting more done during the time that I'm awake. I got decent sleep last night, but I woke up with a terrible sinus headache this morning. The kid was running a tiny temperature yesterday afternoon, so I'm trying to ward off all sickness from befalling us.

Today's to do list:

1. Food prep for week (most important)
2. Knock out another load or two of laundry (least important for today)
3. Run
4. Work on article (tied for most important)

It's a small list, but the food prep is monstrous. But it's the only way that I'm going to be able to ensure proper eating this week.

The article--sigh. I just, I don't know. I feel now that I'm into the article, it's just not a great idea anymore. I'm working really really hard to make the argument here--maybe that's the problem? Maybe I'm trying to make too literal a connection here when there doesn't need to be one?--and maybe after all this writing and reading, there's just no argument there to make? Or maybe it's because no one is making this argument, so I have to do all the stuff here? I don't know. In any case, my confidence in it is dwindling. That also might be because I haven't written anything in two weeks. Sigh. I just hate feeling stuck. I know how to get unstuck, but for some reason, it's frightening. 

I feel like a lot of this is a rehash of my dissertation writing anxiety. This is very familiar territory. 

That being said, I'm going to get over myself and do some writing before the kid gets up.

ETA: I'm happy to report that in the time since finishing this post and the kid starting to wake up (right now), I busted out about 600 words (I thought it was waaaaaay more than that), but they were good words I think, and I think I can keep working on this same line of argument this afternoon when the kid goes down for her nap. I will say this--I'm feeling a whole lot better now than when I started this blog post. Working on that article helps. 

Frustrations mount over here.

My biggest problem right now is sleep, as in even when I do seem to get enough, it's not enough. I am completely out of sorts. What doesn't help is beating myself up over it especially since I started off so well in the beginning of the quarter. Then we take Magpie to the doctor, have an exhausting day, and I freak out about her allergy diagnosis, take on the burden all on my own, and emotionally drain myself and then physically drain myself with the cleaning and organizing and stuff.

The problem with this? (Aside from the obvious--) even after weeks of cleaning and organizing and donating and trashing, I am still overflowing with stuff. Seriously. Let me preface by saying the stuff that I have done--the closet, the bathroom, the chest of drawers, and the couple of sections of the kitchen look great and are super easy to maintain. Seriously. So at least I've got that going for me. I mean, the KonMari way is fantastic. Getting there though,which she admits is about a six month process, and we all know how amazingly patient I am. But still, like seriously, like a dozen bags of clothes later (counting this summer's haul), and I'm still busting at the seams.

I'm frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed again. And there's a ton of stuff to do.

I'm also angry and annoyed at some things. I am becoming disillusioned with some things/some people, and maybe that's the hardest thing right now. I'm taking some things personally that weren't meant for me personally, but the sweeping generalizations made by my "friends" often include me in that category, and it's bothersome. (Could that be a more cryptic and passive sentence?). I think what I need to do is step back for a few weeks. I need to take a break from some things, readjust, and find my focus.

A couple of things I noticed--my happiest this past month? Those two weeks I was writing along with reading/researching and doing stuff. This reaffirms what I know: I'm happiest when I write. I need an almost daily writing goal, even if it's only 15 minutes.

CF, for whatever reason (in part because of some of the people above), is not working for me right now. And you know I'm a huge fan and love lifting. I need a break. My form is suffering because I'm not into it right now, and well, I need to step back. It's a golden sin in CF to talk about how I much I miss running, but I miss running. Right now, I just want to run. And do yoga. I think what it is I crave is the meditative qualities of those two activities for me, and since I feel so out of balance in all that I'm trying to do, that's what I need. I need to be active, but I need to be active alone. I have a feasible work out plan/schedule that I feel will be beneficial. Also, I'm either pushing too hard or something during CF because I don't leave feeling invigorated like I usually do. I feel beat, and being wiped out at 6 am makes for a long, unproductive day. Perhaps that's part of the problem. I'm working too hard at it, and that's not the best thing.

What will also be beneficial is for me to finish the damn article. I'm still shooting for Wednesday to get it to my mentor. It will need work. I feel it's forced and clunky and in the end probably not as good an idea on paper as it is in my head, but for what it's worth, I'm going to see it through.

There's a lot to do today. So, I need to get to it. Here's to a productive and happy weekend to all you out there.

I feel like I've hit a lull here. While it's true that I have a ton of grading to do, as the internet in my office and our building was down yesterday, that put me further behind the grading than I should have been. My downfall was that I did not grade the essays as they came in last Thursday, and I feel like the universe is punishing me for my not being prompt. Since the internet wasn't working, I also had to wait until I got home to do the class's on-line exam since I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and it was a pain to find people not teaching at the exact same time I am to proctor the exam. That took me 2 freaking hours to do! Ugh. That was a giant pain in the ass, but at least it's done, and it's one less thing to create for the on-line class version next quarter.

There are many many other things that I need to do today, none of which involve work because I feel like now I can't finish up this article with all these other little things looming, and I want the stuff that I started to be done. (I promise not to start another big decluttering category until I submit this article first!), but my sister is coming in on Friday, and as the guest room has been the staging area, that needs to be finished today. I should have time to run some errands and stuff after my doctor's appointment tomorrow as I've set up the exam for both classes on line and won't have to come to campus at all. We'll see how that goes.

But, my time here is up for the day. I'm going to go home and get to some cleaning work.

In seven short weeks I will be 40. Sigh. I'm not ready to be 40.

1. I'm still struggling with the baby weight. Should it bother me? In an ideal world, no. Does it bother me? Yes. Intellectually do I understand that it is proof that I've done this amazing thing and used my strong body to create another human? Yes. Does that mean that I'm superhuman and can dissociate what my mind knows from what my eyes see and how it makes me feel? No. The toughest part is breaking the cycle of fatigue and depression. I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. Getting there is what is proving to be the toughest part. But, seven weeks from now I don't want to be bemoaning the fact that I'm 40 and still feeling this way.*

First things first: I took care of my hair. For the last six weeks I've felt horribly bad about myself, and it was a result of my hair. I knew that. But I was trying to deal with it. I got that fixed on Friday. All is well with the world now. I have one less thing about which to worry.

Thursday begins (I hope), the fixing of my face. I have horrible melasma. It's one of the most damaging things to my self-esteem and one of the biggest reasons why I am dreading 40. I think once my face is clear, I will feel better about myself and my age.

Also, after a decade, I have finally made a dentist appointment. Now if I could just get my sleep, eating, and working out under control, then we'd be making more progress.

2. The scholarly stuff: The article I've been working on will go out to the reader by next Wednesday at the latest. The other article and the book proposal will be done by my birthday. Those are my goals for 40--to have that done by my 40th birthday so that I feel like I have accomplished something.

3. The house: I have found the house of KonMari and I worship at the alter of it. It is an exhausting ordeal though, but I can't stop. Seriously. Everything looks so good and it's so easy to maintain that I just can't not finish what I've started here. The best part is that it's creating so much space, space that's been there but that I haven't had access to. But the balance between working on that and other stuff is hard. I so wish I had found this over the summer because I'd be done by now. What is stressful though is that I think about how much time I've put into this that if I'd put that same amount of time into my work, I'd have two article written by now. Seriously. But this is tangible, immediate, orderly. It gives me control that I need right now as I feel all other areas of my life are a mess.  But there must be balance. It won't do me any good to have a tidy house and no job.

4. In seven weeks I intend to have our finances under control so that I can be 40 and feel responsible and solvent and not like a clueless 20 year old.

That's where I'm at. If I can turn the tv off long enough and do what I need to do, I can get this stuff done. First though is breaking that cycle of fatigue and depression (that is fueled a lot by my diet right now). When that is clean, every thing else just seems to fall into place.

But now since my office hours are over, I'm going to go to the store, take care of a few things at home, have a good workout and then work.

The end.



*Yes, I know 40 isn't a death sentence and lots of you are loving being 40 or loving being in your 40s. And I have often thought that life truly starts at 40. My other issue is that 40 is bothering me so much. I know I should embrace it and love it. And in seven weeks I will.

Your official invite to my Pity Party

I will be 40 in two months.

Oh dear lord.

I don't think I'm handling it very well.

Things that are bothering me:

• My overall health. Okay, I'm actually quite a healthy person. I'm active, and I eat well for the most part. But there's the problem: "for the most part." What I have been discovering is that an almost perfect Paleo way of eating is what is best for my body--as you know, I'm a huge Paleo devotee because it's what's best for me. And what I'm finding, especially as I approach forty, and particularly after having the baby is that physically, emotionally, and psychologically I cannot handle an 80/20 plan. It's got to be near perfect. I think there are some real reasons for this:
• 1) my stress level with work and a toddler is out of control. Sugar and grains and soy in particular cause a downward spiral that I honestly just cannot handle. Moderation isn't key for me here. I seriously cannot handle it any more than an alcoholic can handle one drink. I know that sounds extreme, but it's true for me, at least at this moment in my life. The downward spiral is almost immediate. It affects my sleep which just further affects my mood and ability to get things done. I have a short temper. Things that shouldn't bother me, bother me in the extreme. I have to make a permanent shift here. Furthermore, Magpie cannot have any of those things either (and my god, how guilty do I feel eating like pizza in front of her! That's just mean!), so I shouldn't have them in the house as it is. It affects my hormones, which in turn affects my mood swings and my sleep, and I'm worried that the hormone disruption might actually be causing some reproductive issues. And I can't live like that. Who can? Plus, I think the mood swings and the lack of sleep are causing anxiety for the kid because she's picking up on my own discomfort. I think I also need to cut back on the caffeine, too. In short, my body just does not feel optimal right now, and I don't like that feeling at all. (Like today: headache and a stomachache. And I'm neither sick nor pregnant).
• I know this isn't going to change until I actually finish that first article and get it sent to my mentor, but even though I've been working steadily (though not enough), I just don't feel productive at all. There are little things I should be happy about--already consistently getting all the grading done the day it comes in and making more progress on the article in the last two weeks than the entire summer, but I need to actually get what's in my head down on paper. I spend a lot of time thinking. A lot. But you wouldn't know it by my lack of productivity. This is true for my on-line grad class as well. I was ahead. Now I'm behind because all the lectures are still in my head. I feel like the world is miles ahead of me, and I know that's the danger of comparing oneself to others--I won't measure up. But a large part of this is directly related to the issue above. I don't feel good, and it's hard to focus when you just feel like crap.
• This is going to sound so vain, but my hair is just, wow. I mean, the effect it has on my self esteem right now (which affects so many other things) is just mind boggling. I HATE what my hairdresser did the last time. I HATE IT. And now I will have to cut a significant amount off to get it to a point to where I don't feel bad about myself every time I look in the mirror. For real you guys. For the last six weeks I've been trying to come to terms with this. I don't feel like I look like myself. I don't like the way it makes me look. I just hate seeing myself. This, however, will be fixed Friday. I just have to hang on until then. I'm going to be pissed off about losing about three inches off my hair, but it has to be done.
• The clutter. Oh man the clutter. Part of it is because I have undertaken this huge decluttering project. I have found this, and it is indeed life changing. Holy crap it is. But it is a HUGE undertaking. It's like a six month process, at least. But the idea is that you never ever do it again. I believe it's true. What I've been able to implement works. Like seriously. And I'm the type of person who tidies up and cleans then two days later it doesn't look like I've done anything. Not so this time. It's just a matter of getting there. The clothes are taking a long time. Part of the motivation behind this undertaking is to make my life easier in the long run since we're dealing with a major environmental allergy for the kid. I know I can't control the issue once we leave the house, but I can do my best to make the house as comfortable as possible to keep her as well there as possible. Plus, I just have too much stuff anyway. And I despise the amount of time I spend cleaning and recleaning and organizing and reorganizing. I wish I had discovered this this summer rather than just a couple of weeks ago. And eventually we are going to move into our own house, and I'd rather not be going through stuff or packing stuff I don't need/want to go through later when we do move. Plus, it's just so much easier to have less to clean. I think this is related to my long struggle in trying to figure out what I want and what I want to make important and what I want to have time for. If I'm always cleaning and organizing, then that takes away from time I can spend with my family; it takes away from time I can spending reading and writing; it takes away time from myself. And I'm tired of wasting money on stuff; I'm tired of feeling like I'm trapped. But it's a little stressful because I just want to be done, and it's not something you can do quickly (I might could if the husband and kid and dog went away for two weeks and left me to myself, but I don't want that either!). Not to mention that my campus office needs some serious work, too!

So there's that. We're back to fear, feelings of inadequacy, lack of sleep; welcome to my pity party. 

I think now though what I'm going to do is some work before I go teach again. I feel like that will make me feel better. 

Update

I'm still feeling somewhat hopeful even if overwhelmed. I'm just having a bad day. Not for any real reason either. I'm grumpy and stressed.

The reading is slow going. And I didn't get anything written at all yesterday, but I did succeed in grading 26 lit analyses yesterday (and they even came yesterday!) so at least those are off my plate and not hanging over my head. It was worth shunning the writing to get those done.

I did get about an hour, maybe 75 minutes of reading done, and I just spent about 30 minutes or so typing out some of the notes I took this morning and afternoon and tried to flesh out those ideas and banged out about another 560 some odd words, so I'm at about 1600ish words since Tuesday? That's not terrible.

I can't think any more because lingering in the back of my brain is the cleaning/decluttering I need to do.

Before you say it can wait, one of the results of the Magpie's allergy test was a severe allergy to dust mites (in addition to wheat and soy, and we're waiting on some tree nut tests), so that means in order to keep her out of the doctor's office, off of antibiotics, and in school (so I don't have to miss work), I've got to ramp up my decluttering timeline a bit. It's the allergic reactions that are suppressing her immune system that leaves her susceptible to everything which is why she's always sick. Anyway, it gives me an excuse at least to do the stuff I need to do because now this makes it harder to keep putting it off. But it also distracts me and makes me mad to think about how much crap I really have and how much of it I don't need and don't use and that it's just cluttering my existence.

But I digress...