Monday, May 2, 2016

One thing that I really struggle with is consistency. When I don't get immediate results, I give up. This goes for all areas of my life--work, research, fitness, parenting, whatever. I expect everything to be immediate and perfect. When I hit a plateau, I give up.

I'm at a plateau right now. Just when I feel like things are looking up, they settle down and stay where they are, and while it may be that I am making progress and forward motion, if I don't see the "right away," I fail to see the big picture. Or if I get some good momentum going and something thwarts it, then I have a lot of trouble picking up where I left off and moving forward again.

This last month has given me so many opportunities in one area but halted a lot of momentum in other areas. Overall, I'd say it was a great month, but I did not reach the goals I had set for myself, and I'm having trouble seeing that just because I didn't meet the goal doesn't mean I give up totally.

The time I've gotten to spend alone with Magpie has been just amazing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for this to be a permanent arrangement by far--her dad comes home tonight, and I'm ready for him to be back. I mean, in many ways, I'm a total failure here on my own. This house is a mess. I mean, it's so embarrassingly messy and only quasi-clean, that I'd rather drag the kid to the airport with me than to suffer the embarrassment of having someone sit over here with her while I go to the airport.* Anyway, no cleaning has happened other what my aunt did when she was here. I can get the dishes washed and laundry done when I run out of underwear and workout clothes for my morning Insanity. The bathroom got a spit bath basically this morning as I cleaned the shower while I was in it, and just wiped down everything else with a clorox wipe. I haven't cooked in almost a month (Did I mention that I was ordering food from a local service for all our meals? I am. It's been a lifesaver, actually, though I still order pizza once a week). The den is an unorganized mess of toddlerdom as is Magpie's room. My schedule as it is allows me absolutely no time to do anything, especially if she is home sick on a T or Th, as she has been home at least three times in the last 2 weeks. And it's not even like I've kept her well, either. She's had some sort of GI issue for the last 2.5 weeks, enough that we have to get stool tests done. I feel like it's because I've been a shitty housekeeper for the last month, that this is probably my fault.

My research has dwindled dramatically during this time, as given a sickish kid, and tech issues at school, when she's not home, T and Th have become about catching up on what I can't finish during my office hours. So there's that. I was far ahead at work and on track with my research, now I'm struggling to keep my head above water in both areas.

I was hoping to be more consistent with my with my health, sleep, and research.

My failures in these areas aside, I have had an amazing month with my little girl. She has so much personality and spirit. She is so freaking sweet; I can't even believe how adorable and loving this kid is. And I made it through the month on my own (with help here and there, but for the most part, I was on my own for the month). We had a couple of rocky nights, but all in all, man, it was great. And fairly easy, given the circumstances. I learned a lot about myself (and her, too), and I'm going to be honest and say that I needed that month with her. Though I fell short in some areas, man, I needed to know that I am a good mom, and that I can be a mom, that I don't need help (except when it comes to babysitting). We did good. We made it. Magpie and I are a great team. I have a really good kid.

She is, however, so, hmmm, happy does not describe how she feels about her dad being home. Ecstatic? I don't think that covers it either. In love? Maybe that's better. The sheer joy she expresses around him since he's been back Saturday night is overwhelming. She will not let him out of her sight. She wants everything to be him. Right now, I do not even exist. And that's okay. I got a whole month with just her; she needs that focus on her dad. It's so wonderful to see. **

I though I could put into words how amazing this last month has been, but words fail me. It has been the best time of my life.

*I asked Prince Colleague if he could go get the J for me (especially because he owes me a couple of favors--always, "I owe you big time for this!"--however, I am never able to cash in, hmmmm) so that I wouldn't have to bring Magpie for an evening flight after she goes to bed, and which I offered to pay him in wine and gas money, and he said he'd get back to me, and well, here it is Saturday and he hasn't. I think he would have rather babysat, but I've never left Magpie with a non-relative, ever. It was hard enough two weeks ago for me to leave her alone with my sister!

**I'm glad in all honesty that it didn't work out with PC picking up the J. Magpie did wonderfully, and from the moment the J got in the car, she did not stop talking to him until she feel asleep. She described her whole world to him on the trip home from the airport.

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