Sad Week

This week thus far has been a legitimately crappy week. I feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record here, but my complaint isn't like the week before--stupid issues with scheduling, a dense boss, etc.

A former colleague from Fancy Town U dropped suddenly this weekend of a massive heart attack. I guess the landlord found hir dead. I wasn't particularly close to said colleague, but ze was always kind and supportive of me during my time in Fancy Town, and I guess I feel more bad for not being there for my former colleagues during this time. Ze was loved by the students, and I think the thing that has me most out of sorts is something former super awesome colleague said on the phone: "can you imagine what it must be like to have your professor die right before graduation?"

Even though I didn't say so, why yes, I can.

And perhaps this has finally gotten me to the grief stage of my diss chair killing himself 10 days before my defense and a month before graduation. Up until this week really, even though it's been years, I've still always been rather angry with him for it and dismissive of suicide in general because of my anger with my former prof. And then one of the husband's soldiers committed suicide in early March (the system failed him--he was majorly depressed and suffered from severe PTSD. He was at the VA just about every day for years yelling, literally, for people to help him). And now this death. Perhaps this has triggered some grief issues that had been previously ignored and not dealt with because it seems to me that since I'm not there and hadn't kept in touch with that colleague that it should not be affecting me quite like this.

I'm completely out of sorts. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted this week. And I know I might actually feel better if I actually got to grading those damn freshman essays I've had for almost a week now, but I've also been reading essays all week for writing contests, and dammit, I'm tired of reading essays. Seriously. I'm probably mildly depressed because of all of this because I've been vacillating all week between wanting to sleep all the time and not being able to sleep at all, which is probably also why I'm tired and emotionally exhausted as well. I got a good eight hours of sleep last night, but I could totally go back to bed and sleep all the rest of the day today, too. Unfortunately I can't because I have a meeting at 3. Gag. I can't really complain about the meeting. I have so few. As it is I'm cutting my office hours short today so that I can go home and work out before my meeting. I know, it may seem counter intuitive to work out when I just said that I could feasibly go home and sleep all day because I'm so tired. But working out will make me feel better. It will wake me up and not leave me groggy like a nap will, and it will also just about ensure that I sleep well tonight. Plus I so need the endorphin rush from the work out actually to get me out of my funk.

I will also try to grade at least 5 essays today, actually during this hour of of my office hours. I don't have to comment on them really because there will be no revision opportunity. And if they want to know why they made the grade they did, they can come see me about it. But I don't have the energy to actually comment on them. And it's not going to matter really to most of this group either. And I feel like I'll probably feel better if I get some of them done.

Plus, it's a beautiful day outside today and I feel like if I get outside for a little bit, even if it's only for a quick run, I might feel better. It's been so dreary the past couple of days, some sunlight might do me some good.