And the countdown begins...

In the words of Spike from this show, "this quarter is OVER!" Not in the sense that it's literally "over" but in the sense that this quarter is so not cool anymore. And it must be said with emphasis. Not some valley girl or early grunge statement, but with emphatic agitation and feet stomping. So I say, "Dear Freshman Stus, it's time for me to move on to the next 'cool' thing. I can't even really tell you goodbye because that might imply that I will miss this class. No. To those of you, those like 4 of you who put forth some effort, I wish you the best but you are so OVER! [stomps foot]"

It's pathetic because there are actually only four days left that I'm actually teaching them, including today. Oh, there are about 9 days left of class, but I'm only actually going to instruct them for four out of the next nine. Friday their essays are due, and I'm giving them the day off not for them and all their hard work, but so that I can grade the essays and finish them before noon so that I don't have to think about them. My prediction is that a good portion of them are going to be Fs because they'll be well short of the actual 3 page minimum page requirement. I have already made a deal with myself that essays that are 75 and below (which I think will be most of them at this point) will not receive comments. Most of them, I'm assuming, based on their initial draft work, will fail. I will not spend time commenting on them since they have to meet with me if they want to revise the essay anyway, I'm not going to waste my time. The following Friday will be to go over the take home final; I'm making them show up mid week for the last week of classes and then the last day I've canceled both the Friday classes, and I'm going to sit at home and grade.

As far as the lit classes are concerned, I'm going to miss them, as I usually do. But I'm done prepping for the quarter. The stuff for the remainder of the quarter is stuff that I've taught A LOT this year, and if you count multiple sections of the same class, the last couple of stories I would say have been taught upwards around 8 times already this year. That's surprisingly not true for even the earlier stuff in my field. And these are very teachable stories, and ironically, though so far out of my field, the easiest things for me to teach. I only needed really to reread Cather. And I might should skim Faulkner if I have time, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

I'm pretty sure that I can knock out most of the lit analyses during my office hours this morning. We'll see. Again, I'm not losing sleep over it... anymore.

I'm pretty sure it's this attitude as to why I got wasted Friday night. And why, despite my best intentions and knowledge, I seem to need to check out of the quarter about once a week on a major scale. I know it's self-sabotage and avoidance and a vicious cycle, but I think this class just reminds me of my freshman at Fancy Town, and I don't throw this around lightly, but seriously, it's like a mild PTSD*--coupled on top of the husband being away from drill--which still, 2 years later, every time he leaves for drill, it feels like he's leaving for Afghanistan. Since Afghanistan, his absence (even if it's to spend the weekend 2 hours away) = combat and war in my head. It's getting better, but I can't just think of him as off at drill. So there's that. 

*I don't use this lightly (particularly given the events at the start of the quarter), but that my writing classes at FT College were *that* traumatic. Insomnia, depression, crying, feeling sick every Monday morning. I am *almost* at that point right now, and this class makes me think of my first writing classes there. I can't not associate the two, which makes my attitude really really bad. Thankfully there are only three weeks left.

I have only four priorities for the next three weeks:

• Workouts
• Meal prep and healthy eating
• Sleep
• Conference paper

As I was too tired to actually work out this morning, and have a stomach ache in anticipation of the freshman class this morning, rather than go back to bed, I did stay up and read for the conference paper. I got a good 1.25 hours in this morning. So, I just have to make daily checklists for all four of those things.

Also, we have a totally kick ass Friday planned. And with any luck, also a kick ass Saturday planned, so if I can hang on for the week, I will be duly rewarded for the weekend.

Now, to go face my day.

Grrr. another Funk. go away Funks!!

Argh, after all my planning, all my whatever this quarter, I cannot, for my life, bring myself to care about the final weeks of the quarter. I am having a hard time really caring about the comp class. I know, it's totally terrible. totally and completely terrible. As it turns out, I wanted so little to have to work yesterday that I just got wasted Friday night. And of course I woke up Saturday in tears because I did exactly what I didn't want to do, but I know why I drank as much as I did and why I didn't go home when I was still ahead--I just did not want to spend my Saturday working and working on the comp class at that. I technically have three weeks left because we don't have an official finals week. I just seriously could care less. Even though I felt fine by about 3:30, I still didn't bother to work or grade. I'll have to leave the g'parents' early today in order to catch up on my reading. I hate to say that I.JUST.DONT.CARE. Mostly because I just don't know what else to do for them.

Case in point. Of the 18 drafts that I received (there are more than 18 students in the class) for peer review, for a three page paper, 2 came close to a full draft, only one turned in a full draft. About 5 of them were a paragraph only. Seriously. A paragraph for a peer review draft! A fucking paragraph! And then about 5 turned in a page. One fucking page. I guess that's better than a paragraph, but are you fucking kidding me? 7 weeks into the quarter, and this is what you bring to the class and what you bring to me for feedback? So I'm assuming then that about half the class is going to fail this next essay. And that half the class is going to be in my office for feedback for their revisions. I have already decided that if it's lower than a C, I'm not commenting on the essay at all. Because given the amount of effort put into the rough drafts, I'm not wasting my time to be frank.

Rather I just spent all day yesterday totally feeling sorry for myself. It's quite pathetic. This quarter has just been marked by death and bad news, friends moving... I guess that's a lot to deal with in 7 weeks in addition to a class that's just full of a bunch of freaking duds.

I'm done. I want the quarter to be over. And I'm finding that I'm having a hard time actually getting psyched up for the summer quarter. I just don't care. I'm tired. I'm tired of freshman. I know that's terrible to say.

Plus I have this damn conference paper that I need to write. I'm not behind on classwork yet, but I'm getting there. This should have been a weekend where I was able to get things done because the husband if off at drill, but that's totally not the case. It's been a waste.

I hate being in a funk. I'm totally in a funk.

Despite the few ups that I've had this quarter (although to be fair, I always feel better after I totally just rant here on the blog), I just can't break this funk for more than a few days at a time. It's frustrating. I'm just frustrated, to the max. With everything right now. Myself, my teaching, my scholarship. Yes, I know two days ago I was all "yay for getting to concentrate on me!! woo-hoo!!" but I'm not feeling that this morning.

So, I think what I might do before the g'parents is just shower and then plow through everything I can before I head out over there. It means that I won't get the work out in today or not until later, but I think I might feel better if I get the school monkey off my back rather than delaying the inevitable.

ugh. Sorry for the negativity, but I'm hoping the vent helps me feel better.

And I have a very cute mutt whining to go outside. I can't resist that faces.

On the Schedule

Well, I don't think going back to this reading in the morning, working out in the afternoon is going to work for me. At least not while I'm basically trying to detox myself from gluten and dairy as I feel crappy and tired right now.

After like 10 days of working out in the morning and then going back to working out in the afternoon, I have come to miss working out in the morning and being done with it. And I am now willing to get up at 5 am and forgo the coffee in order to get to the work out first thing so that I can get all three workouts in before class. I really think this is the best option for me. And then I can just read in the afternoons while the husband does his homework. It's making me even grumpier NOT to work out in the morning. And this morning I got all three workouts in.  And it felt glorious. I'm still really freaking grumpy today (probably because I know I have all those freshman essays to comment on and I have spent class time thus far blogging rather than confronting the essays), but at least I know that after my meeting today, I don't have to go work out for 90 minutes. I liked that week that I had the weekday afternoons open to get stuff done. Or nap. Nothing wrong with napping. But, I have rediscovered how good it feels to work out first thing. I have reprogrammed myself to need that rather than doing it in the afternoon.

So from tomorrow to next Saturday, the new schedule is as follows:

• S-Th. Work out first thing in the morning. Really push to get all three workouts in on the days all three are scheduled.
• Friday is off day.
• M-Th in the afternoons: 1-2 hours toward reading/writing/research. 
• Saturday mornings as always: prep work for the week.

I'll report back and let you know how the new schedule works out. 

On Eating

I am a Grumpalupogus these last couple of days.

Here's why, in part.

I really want chocolate and pizza. Like in a bad, grumpy way.

Why not have it you might say.

Because I'm trying really really really freaking hard to go for a solid 30 days without gluten or dairy. In any form. Including beer.

I was reading that the first two weeks GF is hard. You feel like crap because it takes the body 12-15 days to process out the gluten. So if I had pizza, then that's another two weeks to fix that.

And I feel like crap right now. I'm grumpy. I'm tired. I kind of have a short fuse right now. The first three days I felt awesome. I mean like hard core totally fantastic. And now, I guess as I adjust, the lack of gluten and M&Ms is starting to get to me. I hear all of this is normal though. And if I can make it through next week, then week three should be when the energy picks up, which is perfect timing because that's getting close to the end of the quarter.

If I could find a GF & dairy free pizza right now, dear lord.

And what I wouldn't give for a fucking industrial size bag of coconut M&Ms.

Just stuffs...

I am happy to report that I'm feeling better! yay!

Of course, I still have yet to crack open a book for research. But tomorrow morning--I start then. Look, if I can get in say 3 hours of research this week, that would be spectacular. Okay, that's the goal. At least 3 hours.

My freshman are vampiric. Seriously. They are sucking the life out of me it feels like. I'm trying right now to focus on the ones who are attentive and doing the work. But I've got to figure out what changes I want/need to make for the summer class soon. I hope the summer class is not full of duds. That's going to be a looooooooong freaking six weeks then. Yikes. I think I might just keep it all pop culture oriented. That seems to get them talking. That might make the summer easier, too.

I don't want to spend anymore time talking about them because I can't make myself feel bad for how terrible about half the class is doing. I did at first, but then I realized that I've held up my end and then some. I've given feedback in the class and one-on-one with conferences. We've done peer review. They've had ample in class writing time with structured activities to help them write their essays. Detailed instructions/expectations about EXACTLY what I'm looking for to help them make the best grade possible. And yet, half the class has ignored all of this. Or failed to show up for conferences. Or just didn't turn in a second essay. Or changed only verb tenses and called that a revision. And not even all the verbs in the sentences. Just fixing the five "ing" phrases and two sentences of passive voice and calling it a revision and blowing off everything we talked about (in class and one-on-one) about content, organization, development. I feel like I've done everything but write the paper for them. And maybe that's the problem. In any case, I cannot bring myself to feel like I'm the one who failed them because the half that followed instructions, showed up for the conference, used the in class writing--improvement on their essays. Every single one. Clearly then it's them and not me, right?

*******************************************************************************

I feel like this blog has become a health/fitness/work out journal more than anything else right now. I hope it's not boring you. I think it's because I'm finally at a point in my life, after 8 long years, where I cannot devote a lot of time and energy to fixing these issues. I mean, I do very much long for the day when I'm in maintenance mode and do not have to work out for 90+ minutes six to seven days a week. That might be nice to maintain because I *want* to, not because I *have* to. Yes, I know I have that conference paper and it's not going to write or research itself and I have exactly one month to do this and I've been adopting a very "I'll start tomorrow" attitude (to which I hear Apollo Creed in the background yelling "There is no tomorrow! There is no tomorrow! What's the matter with you man?"). Right now, with the exception of that freshman class which annoys me and drains me, I feel pretty secure with my teaching. Either it's experience or location or a combination of both, but it doesn't stress me out like it did the last two years. I don't have the energy expenditure there. Money always drains me, but knowing that I have six weeks of summer teaching helps there, and I'm sure come June I'll be a basket case again about how we're going to make it through September. And while I actually need to get the things written that need to be written and researched rather quickly, that is within the next month, I have a plan for what I want to work on over the summer and I am in a decent position now, actually a fairly strong position with regards to my progress toward tenure. So I'm not stressed out about that right now either. And I have good mentors and friends here who answer my questions honestly and are helping me navigate things, and who want to help make sure that I get tenure. It's not like survivor island here. For them here it's not just that no tenure means they lose colleagues; it means they lose their friends for the most part, too. So right now, this is not something that is stressing me out. Maybe it should stress me out more, but right now it doesn't.

Right now, what I finally have time to focus on is my health and stuff. It's been an endless stop and start with the health and fitness. Since January, this is the first time that I've been this consistent with taking care of myself. Okay. last month was a bit of a dud.

And as I've been blogging about for years, I'm still battling all that weight that I started to gain 8 freaking years ago! 8 years! And for at least 4 I've been blogging incessantly about it it seems like.

Right now I'm really enjoying indulging in myself, in my health, in my well-being. The last time I really got to do that was when I got fired from Asshat Insurance company. I had time to take care of myself because I was about to get married and because I didn't have a soul sucking job killing me slowly. But now, I go to work every day but still get to focus on taking care of myself. Of course obviously this benefits the husband who gets lovely meals out of the deal and a happier, saner person to be around. And when he sees me more active, he gets more active. It's a win-win-win!

And it is cyclical. When I feel better, I'm more productive. I was crazy productive in February, and that was the best I had felt in 20 years. And I know I wasn't feeling great because I was getting my grading done--I was getting my grading done because I felt great.

There's definitely something in the air with blog mission shifting, eh?

I just think that right now, I feel okay where I'm at. I mean, aside from a couple of relatively minor professional issues, I think I'm doing okay.

I think, too, if you guys aren't going to get too bored with it, I may start blogging more about my specific health goals and my specific fitness goals. And my "diet." that is my food intake. Or not. I say that's what I'll do, but who the hell knows if I'll follow through with that chronicle, but maybe I'll talk more about food and post some of my new yummy dinners.

Maybe it won't be too boring.

Stupid Quarter & Let's try something different or rather, return to what was previously working

I need for this quarter to end.

I hate to say it, but I dislike my freshman class this quarter. There are about 5 out of 20 who are okay, who do the work, who participate, who take the class seriously. But the vibe in the class as a whole is terrible. I'm really hoping that about half of them are gone by the drop day. Seriously. I don't know, even with the grades that half the class has, if that will be the case. Sigh.

I think that's why I have such trouble sleeping lately. Or one of the reasons. I do not like getting up and going to this class. At all. But there's nothing that I can do about that. I've got three more weeks left with them.

The other MWF class is a dream. I adore them. I wish all three classes were like them.

The TR class is getting better. I lit a fire under their asses and most of them jumped to not get burned, so that class might pick up for the remainder of the quarter.

I need for this quarter to end.

*******************************************************************************

Okay, so as you all know, I'm fond of making schedules and stuff. Since this quarter has just been a dud, I've been struggling. Maybe the positive take away is that instead of throwing in the towel this quarter, I keep making adjustments and trying to find something that works without just giving up totally.

I keep going back to February because February was a great month for me. I felt amazing. Amazing I tell you. I was on top of grading (rarely did I get behind in February). I was on top of my workouts (I know because I have the calendar). And I think February was the cleanest my diet has been. And by "diet" I mean my food intake. I felt the best I had felt in 20 years, literally. And then the new quarter started. And things started to go downhill. And I feel like I've been trying to get back on track since then.

What did I do right in February? For starters, I didn't have a freshman class. FWIW, there's seriously something to that life energy suck that this particular group of freshman has brought me. Plus the additional work of drafts and grading and just the energy it takes to teach freshman. It seems like freshman classes absorb every free moment and the work I have to expend for the freshman takes up about 70% of my academic life. And it makes me resentful. And resent saps my energy. So there's that.

I have tried for the past two weeks to work out in the mornings before class. That has been somewhat successful. The idea was that I work out in the a.m. so that way I can have the afternoons free for whatever I need to do, primarily research/reading/writing. I have a conference paper to write, and I have absolutely nothing for it except the abstract. And that was the most off the cuff abstract I've written. There's nothing in the wings to back it up. The problem with the a.m. workouts is that it has not helped me accomplish anything but working out in the morning which means I get up earlier. It also has actually cut back on my workouts, too. Instead of doing the three parts to my workout, most days now I only get one part in, sometimes two. This ironically has affected my energy level negatively. I don't do the other part of the work out in the afternoon, nor do I actually read or do anything really. Not even clean. Usually I come home, have a beer, and watch t.v. Counterproductive to the max.

Also, the kind of workouts I was doing in February were slightly different. clearly I was getting more out of it. I've been doing other things for the last month, and while I've been able to stick with it, I've ignored all the other parts of my work out. The stuff I was doing in February left me energized and feeling good. The stuff right now? Exhausted, sapped, drained. So, I return to my regularly scheduled programing this afternoon. The only upside to any of this is at least I've not gained any weight. I've managed to lose weight at a snail's pace, but at least that part of the pattern hasn't returned. I'm not back at square one. I have to give myself kudos for that.

My diet--since spring break has taken a turn for the worse. The gluten, the grains, the dairy... What the hell am I doing to myself. I'm sluggish. I'm unfocused. I'm exhausted. All.the.time. I guess I'm at that age where indulgence does nothing for me but make me feel like shit. And I indulge because I feel like shit. Plus, both the husband and I have been plagued by some sort of low grade depression since the start of spring quarter, so the cycle is just perpetuating. Bad feelings = bad eating = bad feeling = not wanting to work out = bad feeling = slacking on work = bad feelings...

So here's what we're going to try this week.

On MWF, rather than getting up super early, I'm going to get up at a time that allows me to do reading/writing for the conference paper. So 1.25 hours of work MWF morning. (This actually means I get to sleep in for an hour compared to the last two weeks). Workouts MWF afternoon.

TR--I'd have to keep getting up at 5 if I want to do work. But since it's an earlier day, work out after office hours then read/research from 3:30-5:00. That's almost 7 hours a week for the conference paper and for the damn article I have to write that's due the same time as the conference.

I think that might be manageable. I'll report back to let you know how it goes! But I feel better about this plan.

I also have all the meals planned for the week as well. That helps tremendously, too. That's another thing I hadn't been doing since February--weekly meal planning. It makes a difference.

Sad Week

This week thus far has been a legitimately crappy week. I feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record here, but my complaint isn't like the week before--stupid issues with scheduling, a dense boss, etc.

A former colleague from Fancy Town U dropped suddenly this weekend of a massive heart attack. I guess the landlord found hir dead. I wasn't particularly close to said colleague, but ze was always kind and supportive of me during my time in Fancy Town, and I guess I feel more bad for not being there for my former colleagues during this time. Ze was loved by the students, and I think the thing that has me most out of sorts is something former super awesome colleague said on the phone: "can you imagine what it must be like to have your professor die right before graduation?"

Even though I didn't say so, why yes, I can.

And perhaps this has finally gotten me to the grief stage of my diss chair killing himself 10 days before my defense and a month before graduation. Up until this week really, even though it's been years, I've still always been rather angry with him for it and dismissive of suicide in general because of my anger with my former prof. And then one of the husband's soldiers committed suicide in early March (the system failed him--he was majorly depressed and suffered from severe PTSD. He was at the VA just about every day for years yelling, literally, for people to help him). And now this death. Perhaps this has triggered some grief issues that had been previously ignored and not dealt with because it seems to me that since I'm not there and hadn't kept in touch with that colleague that it should not be affecting me quite like this.

I'm completely out of sorts. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted this week. And I know I might actually feel better if I actually got to grading those damn freshman essays I've had for almost a week now, but I've also been reading essays all week for writing contests, and dammit, I'm tired of reading essays. Seriously. I'm probably mildly depressed because of all of this because I've been vacillating all week between wanting to sleep all the time and not being able to sleep at all, which is probably also why I'm tired and emotionally exhausted as well. I got a good eight hours of sleep last night, but I could totally go back to bed and sleep all the rest of the day today, too. Unfortunately I can't because I have a meeting at 3. Gag. I can't really complain about the meeting. I have so few. As it is I'm cutting my office hours short today so that I can go home and work out before my meeting. I know, it may seem counter intuitive to work out when I just said that I could feasibly go home and sleep all day because I'm so tired. But working out will make me feel better. It will wake me up and not leave me groggy like a nap will, and it will also just about ensure that I sleep well tonight. Plus I so need the endorphin rush from the work out actually to get me out of my funk.

I will also try to grade at least 5 essays today, actually during this hour of of my office hours. I don't have to comment on them really because there will be no revision opportunity. And if they want to know why they made the grade they did, they can come see me about it. But I don't have the energy to actually comment on them. And it's not going to matter really to most of this group either. And I feel like I'll probably feel better if I get some of them done.

Plus, it's a beautiful day outside today and I feel like if I get outside for a little bit, even if it's only for a quick run, I might feel better. It's been so dreary the past couple of days, some sunlight might do me some good.