Argh!

I am a grumpy grumperson today!

I've been up since about 1:30 am. I just couldn't get back to sleep. Our air conditioner is on the fritz, which at least thankfully it's winter, although it's been in the god awful 70s here*, at least it's not June that it went out. And at least since we're renting, it's not an unexpected expense for us. I feel bad that it's an unexpected expense for my landlord during the holidays because we really like him, but what can you do? But again, at least it's not summertime.

One of my classes is decidedly a class full of duds. Only about 3 are reading consistently. One for sure. And I feel bad for him because I feel like he's being short changed here, because it's become clear that they expect me to just point out the "important things" and that they can just mark the passages we talk about in class and not actually do the reading. I don't want to give quizzes because a) I don't want to have to go through the trouble of making quizzes for each class period, and b) I don't want to have to grade all those quizzes either. And I feel like it's senseless to create more work for myself when even with a basic quiz, it's still extra work for me for students who should be keeping up with the reading and not just for the sake of the quiz. So instead, I warned them that for most of them the midterm is royally going to suck and some of them will be in for a rude awakening. And on any given day, 1/3 to 1/2 the students don't show up. Already. We've had nine class periods. I have some who have missed 5, 6, 7 days thus far. So it's possible that they will already most likely fail the class.

Not to mention that I have two super annoying students in that class, too. One of whom has only been there twice, thank god. The other is a nice guy, but jeeeeeeeeeeeesus! He's one of those who has an opinion on everything, which is always contrary to what I say, and HAS to talk to me after every.single.class period. I can't just go to my office for 15 minutes of peace. He.has.to.follow. For example, he argued with me in class and then afterwards about how Poe MUST HAVE been stoned while he was writing. No. And I went over some very specific reasons in class why one cannot dismiss Poe's writings as such. And that I've never read anything by legit scholars (or anyone really other than students) that claimed that Poe was indeed under the influence at the time of his compositions or revisions. His argument for why over 100 years of Poe scholarship is incorrect? He writes under the influence and recognizes ALL of the signs, at which point he told me I should try it, that it would make my writing better. Uh, so yeah, in all of that, you insulted Poe, insulted me, and informed me of your habitual drug usage. Thank you. By the way, in case I'm interested, he's written over 10 novels that if I'd like to read them, he'd be more than happy to make them available to me. Some of which are 600 pages. Yes, indeed, in all of my spare time I have, I'd like to read 600 pages of what I am now sure are novels of your stoner delusions. Sheesh. He also tried to tell me that I was wrong about the Native Americans not being one of the 12 lost tribes of Israel. That he had evidence to the contrary.

Good god it's going to be a looooooooooooooooong ass quarter.

And then the one student in the class who is keeping up with the work emailed me to apologize for his classmates sucking and to thank me for still being able to do a good job and keep it interesting despite the class sucking, which has never happened to me before and which was really nice of him. So I thanked him for keeping up with the work and for doing great work and told him that I hoped he wasn't being short changed because of his classmates.

This is really the first shitty class I've had here, and honestly, I just don't have the energy right now to pull teeth. Perhaps if it were another quarter, yes. But, they need to take some responsibility and do the fucking readings. However, I suspect that many of them are not going to do well on their midterms, which is not my problem, really if they're not reading. Fortunately, the 12:30 class is the total opposite, so my mood  and my faith in my students is always redeemed after that class.

Ack, yeah, so anyway. Only two days left. I have a ton of grading to do, but I really don't think any of it's going to get done until the quarter starts back up. I know that's kinda shady, but honestly, I don't want to spend my break grading. I had thought I'd have the energy to get it done by Friday, but I wasn't expecting to be as sick as I've been. I wasn't expecting James to take as much time as he did. And I wasn't expecting the husband's work party to include families (which is this afternoon), so meh. Some of them probably don't want their grade anyway. I guess it depends on how many students actually turned in their first assignment.

Enough of them! It's making me more sour.

So today I'll finish up James. Tomorrow we're watching a movie, so it's a no brainer for me at least. I should consider working out tomorrow. I intended to go today, but not on 4 hours of sleep, not pregnant anyway. So yes, I'm a giant ball of sourness. But whatever. Only two days. Only three more class periods. No more office hours.

I will try to find the positive for something today--ooooh, yes, I get a nice tasty lunch that I don't have to fix. I don't have to have office hours today. I get to do more Christmas shopping. And I only need to show a movie tomorrow. There. There's my ray of light in this right before break darkness.

*look, I know last year I was all "yay for being able to run out doors all year long without wearing 50 layers of clothes!" but this year I am very nostalgic for snow. I want colder weather. I wants hats and mittens and scarves and sweaters, boots, not flip-flops. A roaring fire. Not mosquitoes (still!) and fire ants. No. It's times like this that I deeply long for Grad City, believe it or not.

Hi!

I slept in again today. Sorta. I mean, I reset the alarm twice and then hit the snooze. I could not get out of bed. I did not WANT to get out of bed. Apparently for all my complaining about my students already being on break, I have been in that mindset all week, too. This seems to be the problem with quarters. I think their friends at other colleges and universities are done, too, yet we still push on, for another week that's clear no one wants to have to face.

But I continue to feel better right now. I made dinner last night! It was unhealthy by my standards, but it was good, and it was homecooked and I ate too much and made myself a little sick from it, so that's part of why I didn't get out of bed. The nighttime meds make me morning drowsy. I need to work out though because I'm getting stiff here. It sucks.

I have a bunch of papers coming in today and tomorrow. I'm going to try to get them graded by Friday afternoon because I don't want those things hanging around all break. That would be just bad.

But anyway, I need to feed the dogs and get some presents wrapped and ready to be mailed today and eat and get ready and get to school so I can prep and then start to work on those essays. I just wanted to say "hi," and I hope you all have a good day.

Back to "Normal"?? Dare I say, "OMG! I feel good today!!"

I have gone a whopping 24 hours without the morning sickness meds. This is indeed a thing to behold. And I have not had to substitute eating to combat it, either. Yesterday, when my stomach got empty, I didn't get sick or nauseous or dizzy or anything like that. I just got hungry. That was a nice change. Yesterday afternoon, too, when I got home I wasn't dog tired either. I had energy. I didn't just zone out on the couch! That was a welcome change, too! It could be perhaps because I got a lot of rest Sunday night and slept in. But I didn't sleep quite as well last night, but I still feel quite energetic this morning. I still slept in--I wanted one more day of rest before I went back to CrossFit. So perhaps this is the beginning of the second trimester energy bump that I hear about? If that's the case, then damn, I need to start taking advantage of this so I can finally get some stuff done!

If this is that "energy bump," then I'm excited because this means that I will now be able to do some of my work. I might finally be able to get back to research and writing, which has been largely absent from my life this academic year. I actually have ideas that I want to develop! It'd be different if I had no ideas; then I wouldn't feel like my life was empty and pointless this academic year. And perhaps it's the "sophomore slump." But I have things to say that I think are interesting and important and worthwhile. And I know this might sound silly, but damn, I get constant updates in my email from Goodreads from all my smart friends who are spending all of their time reading incredible things and I'm totally jealous! I want to be reading incredible things! I want to be writing smart stuff and be a smarty pants and get my tenure requirements secured so I can start on my book. I want to be able to apply for quarter course releases or sabbaticals so I can spend all my time reading and writing. But I can't do that if I can barely summon the energy to make dinner, so if this is here to stay for a few months, then yes, I welcome the uncontrollable burst of manic energy I feel right now. Because this might mean that I actually get stuff done over our piddly 2 week break. I might be able to read, write, prep, and clean! What?? Could that be true?? To quote my favorite Queen song (before I even saw Wayne's World): "Is this the real life? Or is this fantasy?" I want this to be as real as I always wished Santa were real!

I just relish the thought of getting myself back, even if I know it's temporary, I can work with that. I can set goals for what needs to be done by say March because I hear the 3rd trimester is a bit draining, particularly toward the end.

I mean seriously, can I tell you how good I feel?? I haven't felt this good since August, to be honest with you. (Right, because I was sick all of September and then got knocked up right when I got well). I feel like I could conquer the world right now. OMG. It's so freaking refreshing! After, seriously, what 3.5 months of being sick for one reason or another and then to wake up feeling good?? Hallelujah!

All right. Enough of that.

I think my to do list for the day is manageable. I think I can even manage to cook dinner, and I really want some chicken pot pie. Oh yes indeed do I.

And now that I'm feeling better and feel like I might actually be able to start cooking on a regular basis again, it's time to get my eating back in order. If I can eat without getting sick, then I need to get back on the food train that does the best for my body and will help maximize my energy. I do feel like a poser because since I've been sick, I eat whatever at that moment didn't make my stomach want to turn, Paleo or not. And I'm comforted by other Paleo mom's that I'm not the only one who had aversions and sickness that went against what I felt was best for my body. Anyway, one thing that does actually make me sick is sugar, but damn, sometimes you just have to have chocolate cake. But I need to curb that. Okay, this is boring stuff. What I wanted to emphasize was that I hope that this means that I get to start cooking again because I enjoy it, it relaxes me, and I feel better overall, in general, when I do.

Okay, time to walk the dogs and have breakfast and get ready and then go be extraordinarily brilliant with some James which thank god we're almost done with!

Various and Sundry

Wow it's a dreary day today here at Chez Maude. I had my birthday party last night. It was wonderful. The J cleaned most of the house. But, per S.O.P., everything that we couldn't deal with in 5 hours time when into one of two rooms, so those rooms are yet trashed again until such time as we can sit and deal with them.

But the kitchen is clean. The bedroom is clean. Things are off the floor in the common living spaces, so that's a giant relief right there. However, I VOW to have all of this shit taken care of before the new year, and I'm going to put the J's butt to work over break when he's home.

I wish I could report that now that I've hit 12 weeks that the morning sickness has gotten better, but that's not really the case. It's perhaps a little different now. It's not quite as immediate in the morning. It seems to be hitting later these last two mornings, but it's still there, annoying me.

On our way to CrossFit yesterday morning I was bemoaning the fact that I've already gained 15 pounds (which *all* the books and interwebz say that I should have only gained 5 pounds the first trimester), the J pointed out that it was actually amazing that I had *only* gained 15 pounds. He correctly pointed out that with the way that I've been eating over the last 6 weeks, it should be more like 30 pounds. And he's right. While I'm trying not to be obsessed about my body, my belly is getting rounder; it's getting that "pregnant" shape which is hopefully making me look more pregnant than just flabby.

I know I said that I'd try not to let this become a maternity blog, but I honestly was not expecting this consume my entire life and affect everything that I do. I think I expected some kind of grad school analogy, like this was going to be like coursework or something. You know, something that's time consuming but hasn't quite defined one yet. But this is more like dissertation work. Remember eating, sleeping, breathing the diss? Law & Order marathons to escape the diss? Total exhaustion that even with the best intentions to take care of oneself, which would mean more productivity, goes out the window? Living in piles of books and paper and clutter? That's what this feels like to me. I felt I was defined by being a dissertator in the last years of grad school. Now I find myself defined by my morning sickness, extremely tender boobs (good god, I have never known such pain as what I feel most days in my boobs. If it were cold enough here that I'd be in multiple layers, I'd consider teaching without a bra despite the enormity of these monsters), and the physical limitations of my body*. I didn't think this would happen, like the dissertation process, until much later.

What I have found though, and what I'm thankful for, is that my friends, even the ones without children, are extremely supportive and interested in this whole process. Though like the dissertation, I feel bad talking about it unless others bring it up. So I guess it's been good in that respect.

There's only one thing, thankfully, that I need to get done today: finish Henry James. I should read what I'm teaching in the survey class tomorrow, but I need to read James today. I won't have the opportunity during my office hours tomorrow because at least four students have indicated that they are coming by with drafts of their lit analyses, so I'm assuming that my afternoon will be filled with that. And upon immediately finishing James, I need to jump right in and start on the next thing that I'm teaching after the break. I want to see if over break I can't finish prepping for the quarter for the survey class, and get ahead in the novel class, because at some point I've got to start thinking about that conference paper I need to write by April and those articles that I need to write. So the plan for break will be in getting the place set up and organized and cleaned, thus with the idea of maximizing productivity.

On top of all of that, one of my friends is selling her house. It is by far the first house that we've looked at (on-line at least) that I've fallen in love with. It's within our price range, and they are very very motivated to sell (not that I want to take advantage of my friend, but if they're willing to work with us, damn, how can we pass that up?). I have no idea if we'll even qualify for a home loan right now. But the J is supposed to look into this tomorrow. Plus we need to find out if our landlord will let us out of our lease if we buy a home. I think that the mortgage would be lower than our rent, too. I don't want to get excited because we may not even be able to get a loan, but I love her house. And it would be nice to be settled into our own place before the Magpie arrives than to do it later or after s/he gets here. Even though I'm not excited about the thought of packing and moving, I really want this house. But I want to find out if we qualify for the loan before I even look at it. I'd hate to fall head over heals with it in person and find out we can't get it. But we did qualify for a car loan, so I don't know. Anyway, I want this house.

On that note, I shall go do my best with the James and see if I can't plow through that business today and be done with it for good for the week.

*I hit a PR in my workout yesterday. I've been struggling with overhead squats since day 1, but I squatted heavier and did more reps than I ever had. Safely of course and without discomfort.

Some Much Needed Rest

First of all, thank you Heu Mihi, Sisyphus, Anastasia, and Jane B for your comments on the last couple of posts. The reassurance is helpful, quite indeed, and you tell me the things I need to hear.

I am feeling a bit better today. I slept in. I should have set my alarm for even later rather than hitting the snooze three times, but still. I actually stayed in bed until almost 7 rather than getting up at 5 to read and try to get ahead. I will need to go to campus before class today so that I can skim what I'm teaching--I didn't bring my book home Wednesday night. And I didn't get as far ahead yesterday on James as I wanted to, but I will say this, the day off did me a whole helluva lotta good, so I'm glad that I took it, and I'm glad that I used it to get some reading done and to relax. I thought about cleaning, but that would have worn me out, thus defeating the whole purpose of relaxing. With any luck, I will continue to feel good this afternoon, and I can start on the cleaning when I get home so I don't have to spend all day before my party tomorrow cleaning.

And probably in poor taste, as it's probably never a good idea to email one's boss for a special schedule when one is taking a sick, I did anyway.   The thing that has bothered me so much this year is that, unlike last year, I've not written a single word in terms of my scholarship or anything of the like. I've not even read anything related to research except the first week of Fall quarter classes when I had the abstract due. And that was the last bit of writing I've done. I blame my schedule. And I hate to sound like a whiner, but I want my TR back for myself and my writing.  I am really really really missing that aspect of my career right now. And perhaps that's just adding to my overall crankiness and the like.

Tomorrow marks 12 weeks, the last week of the first trimester, and what I hope is the beginning of the end of all this nausea, although I know that many women don't feel relief until between 15-20 weeks, and my poor cousin was sick and puking every day until the day she gave birth. Man I hope that's not my fate. But it seems that every day brings with it something new, so I won't hold my breath. I've narrowed down the headache issue though to chocolate. Not just all chocolate, but dark chocolate bars specifically, so goodbye wonderful dark chocolate for now.

I guess that's all I have for now. I should walk the mutts and then get to campus so I can prep a bit for today's classes and hopefully continue to have a pretty good day.

Mental Health + Sick Day

Today is the first day in my history of being at Big Little Town U that I've a) taken more of a mental health day than a sick day, although I am sick, still and b) have missed two full entire days of classes.

Because I've been sicker than I had been these last two weeks, I am woefully behind. This is stressing me out, greatly, which I think is adding to my morning sickness. At the very least, I can't imagine that it's helping, even if the two are entirely unrelated. These last two weeks have been the roughest thus far, even with the medicine. I had some bad days earlier on, but they were usually only one or two days a week. Now, I'm sick more often than I'm not.

I am deeply afraid though that I'm turning into *that* colleague or *that* pregnant woman whose only reason for being sick is the result of building a child that she decided to do, and I don't want this to be perceived as affecting my work. I am entirely self-conscious of this. In my defense, I've missed fewer pregnancy related days than some of my colleagues missed last quarter for the flu. Perhaps it's not the same, but I have about as much control over how my body feels as one who has the flu does.

This has been a woefully horrible week. It's the first week really that I've fallen behind and have just been floundering. I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling like a slacker or a loser here because I'm having trouble keeping my head above water. On top of this, I now seem to be plagued with headaches, and entirely new occurrence here.

While I do so completely want to crawl back into bed, because I know a nice long nap would do me a lot of good, I think what would combat the stress more would be to take advantage of my convalescence and read as much as I can today. It doesn't seem to me like the weekends are enough time for me anymore. And I've even dropped my Saturday work outs for the sake of getting work done.

I think I'm going to request a MWF schedule for next quarter. Yes, it will mean long days on Mondays and Wednesdays, but at least it gives me Tuesdays and Thursdays to recover and work, either prep or actually get my own work done. This five day a week thing is too much for me--I've really grown to hate it. And I've found, too, that I dislike 2 hour undergraduate classes. It takes more energy than I have to expend in one shot right now. But I was thinking about this this morning, and it turns out that I a) do not like late morning/afternoon classes. I thought I might, but I don't, and b) I don't like 2 hour undergrad classes. No. So I've sent off my request to my boss. We'll see what she says. I think I might like that, actually, even if it means I'm on campus from 8:00-4:15 on MW. I can handle that if I have Tuesdays and Thursdays off. And that's what I did at my old job, so we'll see what she says.

In any case, I'm going to take a shower and read and relax. Since I have time to read, I think it will be less strenuous on me. And perhaps I can get ahead. Anyway, I hope no one thinks less of me for ditching teaching in order to destress and catch up.

Meltdown

Yesterday I had my first total and complete pregnancy breakdown. I think this is related both to my hormones, my exhaustion, and my craptacular diet right now which in turn is also a result of my exhaustion and my hormones.

I completely lit into the husband yesterday. To be fair, he did sort of have it coming, but I did it over text message. That's bad. I sent him a courtesy text to let him know I was in a foul mood and mad, and since he said "why?" I used that as a reason to just let loose. He is a good man in that he recognized that all of my complaints were legit, that my yelling at him wasn't unreasonable, and now that the air is cleared, we can move on.

However, because I "emotional ate" yesterday for the first time in seriously like 9 or 10 months, I feel like total and complete crap this morning. As a matter of fact, I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast right now which is so very unlike me.

And I have to confess, I thought I had a good schedule, but it turns out that I hate it. With a passion. And I am, indeed, very much missing semesters right now. Semesters make so much more sense than quarters. One cannot cover the material that needs to be covered in a quarter. Sure, the students probably finish school quicker because the quarter allows them to take 3 more classes a year than on semesters, but I don't think the quality of education is there, to be quite honest. It's like every quarter is a summer session. But whatever. No one is asking me about it.

This is week is not really shaping up to be a good week. I'm exhausted. I'm cranky. I'm having some major digestive issues that I read about but which I was hoping to escape, and it's not like I can take anything for it. So, I just have to deal with it. And while I tried to make the reading for my classes reasonable for my sake at this point, I'm just barely hanging on, and it seems to me like it's just going to get worse before break before it starts to get better.

Look, I'm sorry to be all negative Nancy and all, but right now it's just frustrating. You know? It's like that point when you're sick and you want to get stuff done, you know you need to get stuff done, but your body has completely different plans for you, against which no rebelling is possible? Or if you could just have two days in bed, doing absolutely nothing, so you could totally recharge you'd be better? But alas, that's not possible either? And it's so early in the quarter, and the survey class is already behind, so I can't justify staying in bed today, as much as I really, really REALLY would like to. One and a half weeks left. I can make it.

What I seriously need is that month long semester break. What I long for is that semester break. But here's why it won't happen. This is still a very racist state. And down the street is an historically black university. In the 60s, after desegregation, and I have this on good authority, my school was worried that those students would then try to transfer to my school. So in order to make transferring more difficult, since the other college was on a semester system (and still is), my school switched to the quarter system. Nice, huh? It's so grand to be part of such a racist legacy. And most people suspect that until the other school switches to the quarter system, we will not switch to the semester system. Or, unless we switch university systems as the other major system in the state is a semester system, which I wish it would happen for that reason. Although that might mean a 4-4, but I don't think that's possible if the school is trying to become an R-1. You can't have a 4-4 tenure load at an R-1. Or rather, I can't think of any R-1s with that kind of teaching load. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

Well, that being said, I should walk the dogs, unload the dishwasher, and get dinner prepped and in the crockpot so I have no excuses for a good dinner tonight. I may cancel my office hours this afternoon, too if I still feel this crappy after my second class.

Have a grand day 'all. I hope your finals weeks are going well!

Take 2

Well, yesterday became a gigantic bust. Hardly anything accomplished at all.

I will try again today. Although my stomach already hurts, but I know why.

This is really what's killing me. As you know, in general, I eat very very healthy and follow a fairly strict Paleo routine here because I feel good when I eat clean. The last 5 weeks have been a struggle though. I try to prep on Saturdays--I've even cut out my Saturday workouts at the box because since I've been so tired, I've found that if I work out on Saturday, then nothing else gets done (they are usually longer, more intense workouts on Saturdays). I had decided then that I would limit my workouts to M-F, use Saturdays to food prep and school prep.

None of this, except maybe one week in the last five, has worked out according to plan. And you know me, I LOVE making plans and charts and lists of things to do and get done. The fact that none of this has worked is stressing me out. I can count on both hands the number of times I have actually cooked in the last five weeks. This can't continue. Also, I've already gained about 12-15 pounds, most of which is food related. I have a super cute belly, but the problem is that I have also grown a ginormous butt and hips, so I really don't actually look pregnant. I just look like I've gotten fat. I wouldn't mind if it were all belly and boobs.

Gluten and dairy make me ill. But what appeals to me most right now? What can I think about without making me vomit? Bread and cheese. Like this morning. And now I feel my belly churning, but at the time, it was the only thing that sounded appealing.

Also, I hate to ask for help. I like to do everything on my own. But finally, last night, in a minor breakdown about the growing size of my hips, crying into my frosty (again, only thing that sounded good--terrible!!), I finally asked the husband to help with the food. So his jobs now on Mondays, since he has Mondays off, is to do the weekly food prep so that the cooking of the food won't take longer than 30 minutes. I can swing that. I can muster the energy to spend 30 minutes cooking. I can do that. Plus, it will leave my Saturdays open for work all day, which I seem to be able to manage only one major task at a time.

 I know perhaps I may sound like I'm being too hard on myself. I'm not really that upset about the weight gain. What I am upset about is that I know that the other parts of my body that are getting bigger are not getting bigger because of the pregnancy but because I don't seem to have control over my stomach and what it averts or craves. It's very frustrating sometimes. I think the best way to describe it would be like having a constant hangover on top of mono. And it's not like when I'm tired now in the afternoons that I can just get a latte or something and continue on my merry way.

On top of this, I feel like a terrible wife. I'm not cooking for the husband. The house is a mess. I don't make his lunch for him, all things I do willingly because my schedule is much freer and open than his. He's often gone from 4:45 am until about 6:30 pm. And I don't expect him to get up at 4 just to make his lunch when I have time to do it and can bring it to him when we cross paths at the box. It's important to note that he does NOT think I'm terrible or lazy or a slacker at all. He is 100% completely supportive of my afternoon naps and lack of cooking, and he's the one that has to remind me where all of my energy is currently going. But I do wish he were more like, "uh, that's going to make you sick. Put it down." He doesn't cook in the evenings because neither of us wants to eat at 8 at night either. However, I've got to figure something out soon, or I predict that my life is going to get more miserable rather than better. And I really really want to enjoy this.

Anyway, this post went miles away from where I meant to start.

Take 2--If I can get to page 120 of this book today, I'll consider that a success. And I am going to go for a run, even if it ends up only being one mile. And the husband should be back early enough before the "breakfast for dinner" dinner gathering that we can go to the grocery today. I've had my daily allowable caffeine, the dogs are fed and walked...

ETA: I have no idea why this got deleted or the finished draft didn't appear. Humphf.

Lots to do this weekend

So far today has been another good day. Or I guess rather this morning thus far has been good. I was up at 5 with the J because he has drill, and honestly, this is one weekend that I'm glad he has drill. I have a ton of James to read this weekend, and let me tell you, I managed about 12 pages already this morning, and they were excruciating at that. But James on James often is, so I'm hoping when I get to the actual novel, it might go a little bit better. But I've got 200 pages to read by Tuesday and then another 100 to read by Thursday, so in all honesty, I've got to try to knock out 150 today and another 150 tomorrow.

Complicating this though is that the house is, in no other describable way, but The Nasty right now. I am so thankful that I had the foresight to move my bday party from tonight to next weekend because a) I have all that James to read; b) the J has drill, so I'd be doing EVERYTHING on my own today--cleaning, cooking, etc., and I don't have the stamina to do the everything. Next week it is. Not to mention that I have a cocktail party to attend tonight. Honestly, I find it rather annoying that I need to get super dressed up for this, which the hostess has every right to want to have a fancy grown up party. I will just get dressed up. It's the best I can do right now. And who has the money to go buy a cocktail party dress? Not me. I'm more looking forward to the "breakfast for dinner" dinner that we're going to tomorrow night. I like low key. I guess dress up is fun, but right now, my primary desire is just to be comfortable at all times.

I feel like this post sounds really grumpy. I'm really not. I'm having a good day so far even for being up at 5 am.

So here's the plan for today.

1. Try to get at least 150 pages of James read today.
2. Go for a short, very easy 3 mile run.
3. Make the chicken pot pie for lunch/dinner.
4. Do some cleaning.

Part of the reason why I want to get the James reading for the week done this weekend is so that I can, ideally, chip away at the house work during the week, provided I'm not nauseated or exhausted. Which is also part of the reason for wanting to knock out James this weekend, too, because I just don't know how I'll feel later. I have at least gotten the kitchen started. I cleaned the stove, put away some dishes, and then started on another set of dishes in the dishwasher. I've had breakfast. I have some lightly caffeinated coffee. The dogs have been walked twice and fed. I've read the preface to the novel.  I guess it's actually been a productive three hours thus far. 

Ideally, the plan is to read until noon, however far I get. Have a snack around 10 or 11. Run around noon. Make the pot pie, if the chicken hasn't turned into the nasty yet. It's cooked, but I've been lazy this week. (If that's the case, formulate plan B--tomato soup). Then we'll say clean for an hour or two, then read until 5:30. Then get ready for the cocktail party. And then I guess basically wash, rinse, and repeat for tomorrow. Wish me luck!

ETA: Sigh. Alas the day has not gone as planned. I'm only on about page 60. The reading has gone painfully slow. I've napped. I've also been hit with afternoon morning sickness, and it's more than the medicine can handle. Well, one of the meds can handle it, but it knocks me out for about 8 hours a pop most nights, so I can't take that one until it's bed time. Needless to say, I don't think the cocktail party is in my future tonight. I hate to have to cancel/revoke my affirmative RSVP just hours before the party, but I feel like barfing and crawling into a hole. It has completely sapped my energy and totally thrown off my day. This also means that not a damn thing is getting cleaned today either. So there it is. I think I will take a shower and then make some more rice, have a banana, and perhaps just lay down on the couch. I'm not sure if I even have the energy to read any more either. Crap.

Various and Sundry Things...

This week has been a mixed bag. I don't like starting the quarter off so, but I think I'll eventually recover.

Monday was the first day since I've been pregnant that I actually missed work due to something pregnancy related. I was so so very sick. I know, everyone tells me that it will eventually get better, but I feel like my morning sickness gets worse, though it's hard to judge with the medicine. And I have eaten more rice this week than I have in the last year. And I've eaten more bananas this week than I have in the last two months I think. And this is the first full week of the quarter and I missed Monday. I've been floundering in all three classes already, and I hate to begin the quarter feeling this way. Right now, I'm just hanging on until Christmas break.

I also do not like it when I'm sick because it interferes with my working out. I've had to drop down to 4-5 days a week as it is, but weeks like this when I'm really sick, it's more like three days a week. And we all know that I feel better when I work out.

Yesterday was my best day so far this week. It also happened to be my birthday, so it was nice of the little Magpie not to cause me difficulty. Rather s/he waited until my bday was officially over, and at about 1:30 am, I bolted to the bathroom because I thought dinner was about to make an encore (TMI? I'm sorry; I'm trying to be delicate). My nighttime medicine makes me sleepy (hence taking it at night), so another dose at 1:30 am left me unfit to work out at 6 am, sadly. But, this is the second time this has happened after eating at this particular restaurant. We thought last time it was because I ate fried jalapeno poppers and some crab rangoon. We thought it was the fried rich stuff I just don't eat at all. Last night I ate exactly what I ordered last time, minus the fried food and still, BAM! Kerpow! The early morning rolled around and I felt like I was in Alien. So this morning sort of sucks.

However, my birthday was WONDERFUL! The husband took a half day for me, so we went to the movies and saw this, which was absolutely, positively AMAZING! We were expecting it to be good, but holy cow, we were totally blown away by it (man, there's a pun in there somewhere). So that was great. Then we went out to eat. And then we came home and I opened my presents. I got a Thor ornament (from the Magpie), a stuffed animal (I love those beanie baby big eyed larger animals--I know, I know. But the mutts gave me that). And then the J gave me a Happy gift set because I love that perfume, and the Play Station Move pack and Just Dance 4 because I've been pining for that since the summer. And then we watched this, which is one of my all time favorite movies, and which my sis gave me for my bday last year. And the J gave me this really sappy card that made me cry, and then he started to tear up so then I cried more, and it was all so very sweet and lovely. It was a great birthday. Probably one of the best ones I've ever had.

Next weekend is my actual birthday party. There's too much to do around here to have gotten anything ready for a party tomorrow. Plus there's another party tomorrow night--one of the history profs has a holiday cocktail party, at which cocktail attire is required, but a black dress will have to do. I can't be buying no maternity cocktail dress for an event at which I will probably only spend two hours.

Hmmmm, it seems as if there was something else I wanted to mention. Oh well.

I have a ton of stuff to do between now and Friday. At least I don't have class until 11 today, and Fridays are my teaching only days, so it's as close to a three day weekend as I can get.

Really, if I can just make it to Christmas/Winter/Whatever Break, then I'll be good.

Man, and I haven't even thought about the stuff I need to be writing for myself! At some point I've got to focus on that.

Here's to a happy and productive weekend for you all! And for those of you finishing up your semesters, I am indeed jealous of you!!

So Much To Do Today

Ugh, I have so much to do today. And I'm not feeling terribly well at the moment.

We went to a colleague's and her husband's bday party last night. I feel hungover. Don't worry; I'm not. Fortunately, someone brought some non-alcoholic cider (I checked the bottle twice) that looked just like Proseco in the glass, so I was able to keep up the ruse for another week. But, I felt good when I got home last night so I didn't take my evening morning sickness medicine and at 2 am, right on schedule, I woke up sick. Blerg. Now my tummy and my head hurt, and there's so much to do.

Although I'm not a creative writer, which I have a post brewing on that, along with some goals and desires for my life, a couple of my colleagues asked me to be a part of their poetry/fiction group when our friend who didn't get tenure left. I really enjoy this group a lot. I enjoy getting to know them better and reading their work. And it turns out that I am KILLER at titles. That's my talent that I bring the group. Anyway, I had decided that I would tell this particular group yesterday that I was pregnant. I thought that one had already figured it out (I need pseudonyms for these people). I was wrong. She was not the one who figured it out, but Poet Man did! It was actually hilarious. When I told them I was knocked up (because I think it's funny to put it that way as a married person), he nearly fell out of his chair and screamed "I knew it!" and then proceeded to tell me how he had had a discussion with a mutual friend about my recent weight gain (mutual friend already knew and kept his mouth shut to his credit). He said he noticed the other day when I was talking to him that my stomach had gotten huge and couldn't figure out how with all my weight lifting and working out that I had eaten that much over break. I guess writing this down it seems like it might be offensive--why are my male colleagues discussing my body and with their wives no less, but I know them really well, and we and all our spouses are friends, so I found it hilarious rather than weird. Plus, like I said yesterday, it's getting harder and harder to hide. Especially going from washboard to beer gut. I had a nice billowy top to wear to the party last night, and Proseco looking cider to assist with the ruse, but I fear this may be the last of large gatherings in which I'm able to hide my belly around my colleagues. Anyway, they're all going to know sooner or later. I thought I might do something not so subtle like wear the Pregzilla shirt I just order to my birthday party to which many of my colleague friends are invited and let them figure it out that way.

All right, so the point of the post was not about that, although I did find it hilarious really that my weight gain is the subject of conversation because I like being the center of attention. At least they weren't talking about my boobs. Or my butt.

Yesterday I did manage to get a fair amount of clothes put away. And I finally unpacked my suitcase from thanksgiving break. And I did a load of dishes. And I bought new running shoes because I needed something different because of my expanding belly. But the house is still not clean. And neither is one of the other rooms that needs to be clean so I can move the pull up rack out of the den to make room for the tree. I have a TON of reading to do today. And I still have to pay the bills. and go to the grocery. And decorate the house. And go for a run.

What's saving me is that my g'parents are out of town, so we're not compelled to travel today. They have taken my parents and my two aunts on a cruise as part of their Christmas present. So I do have the next two weekends to be able to read and get stuff done. Worse case scenario I have to read and prep for tomorrow's stuff tomorrow morning before class (I don't teach until 11, which is nice in this respect), but I hate doing that unless necessary. And at least I will not be watching football today either. So theoretically, as of right now, I do have time to get things done, but it seems like a lot. I should have moved with more urgency yesterday. Oh well.

So here's the To Do:

• Novel class reading--uh, yeah, that book, I have discovered is nowhere to be found, so I hope it's in my office.
• Clean bathroom
• Pay Bills
• Get pull-up stand disassembled and put away (hubby's job to disassemble--mine to make room for it)
• Clean in general
• Grocery shop
• Food prep
• Read for survey class
• Finish laundry
• Get tree and Christmas decorations up
• A small, quick little jog

I don't think this is all possible. Or I don't think the degree of cleaning is going to happen like I want it to. So I guess I should get to it, eh?

ETA: Well, I got a few things done. I guess I have to live with that. I'm ready for class tomorrow and Wednesday. And the tree is finally up, so that's good. 

A Little Magpie

So you know in September and early October I had the flu, or something, and I was sick all month. That was legit. Like I really did have whatever was going around and around and around. It sucked. Lots of people were out. Lots of stus were out and then coming to class sick because they had used up all their absences.

These last few weeks though are a totally different story.

Maybe you've guessed if you're still reading the blog? I'm pregnant. Holy crap. I'm pregnant! Which really is the main reason for my radio silence because like I said about a week ago, I can't keep my mouth shut. But it's becoming fairly obvious in real life now, so I thought now might be as good a time as any to just come clean. Although if you know me IRL/FB, please don't say anything on my FB because I am DREADING telling my boss. She is an amazing piece of work. I plan on talking to HR first before I talk to her because the little Magpie (hence the blog title) is due over summer, and if we can get our finances together, I plan on taking next fall quarter for my maternity leave, which I know I have every right to my six weeks unpaid maternity leave. But I want the full quarter. Last year, an instructor had her baby over the summer and decided to take her maternity leave this fall, and I found out that my boss was pissed, that she didn't understand why if the baby was born in the summer she needed to take the fall off. So I'm already dealing with an uphill battle here. I think one of my colleagues who sees me regularly and often is suspicious. And I've noticed a couple of students who had me last quarter or saw me regularly last quarter staring. But I avoid my boss like the plague, and she's more likely to think that I jut got fat.

I mean, I think it's pretty obvious. I'm only 10 weeks just today, but my boobs are twice the size they were a month ago, and that flat, nice, half washboard ab stomach I had is big and large. My hips have gotten almost two inches bigger as well. And I've seriously already gained about 10 pounds. Sadly that weight ain't all baby. I've had some wicked morning sickness which is more like a four week constant hangover, so for the first four-five weeks, I was eating every three hours because the moment my stomach is empty I'd get sick. And I've not been a good Paleo girl either, which I'd probably have felt better if I were, but really, I was just like I'll eat whatever sounds appealing at any one time that doesn't make my stomach churn thinking about it. But my lovely doctor gave me some medicine for all of that, and I think things are getting back to normal. Or at least, I should be able to get back to something more sensible and healthy at least. I started off pretty healthy. But once the sickness and food aversions kicked it, well, all bets were off. I'm a giant wuss, and I've been wearing maternity clothes since week 6. I love them. They're like yoga pants you can wear nice shirts with! And sadly, I hate to admit that my burgeoning maternity wardrobe is actually cuter and trendier than my regular wardrobe.  What I found surprising is that it's actually cheaper than my regular wardrobe! Even the "nice" stuff.

I can't promise that this won't turn into "Maude's Pregnancy Adventures" but I'm going to try not to let it become that because one of my biggest fears is adjusting to a new identity that doesn't encompass my entire life. I understand that I will probably change as a person, and I worry that mom stuff will eclipse the other things that define me.

I will say that I am lucky to be where I am though and that our insurance is good. I think on average, it costs, with our insurance, out of pocket, $50 to have a baby. What's even more lovely is that given the J's position in the military, our insurance is included as part of his salary and benefits, so we don't pay for that nor will we have to pay for a child either. We are very fortunate for that. I am also thankful that I have found a good doctor here who does not classify me as being of "advanced maternal age," nor is he an alarmist and intervention happy. He is not test happy either, as far as he'll do whatever tests I want, but he's not like, "well, at your age with all these risks, I require you to go through x, y, & z." That was my biggest fear, actually. So I felt much better after that first appointment with him. He's younger. Clearly up to date. And believes that as long as I'm healthy and nature is taking its course, there's no need for him to impose anything unless there's a significant problem.

I am also lucky that the CF box's owner's wife is pregnant, too, and a couple of months ahead of me, so he's very up to date and informed, and I work out with his wife, so I'm lucky that I have two people knowledgeable and supportive enough in that area of my life that I can safely continue to work out the way I want to. I've slowed down quite a bit already, and I have to take more breaks than I'd like to, but it's good so far. And again, I have two qualified people with me there.

Anyway, so that's it. I'll write more about the start of the quarter and all the crap I have to get done this weekend later.