And the hits just keep on coming...

Magpie has hand, foot, and mouth disease, I think I told you. It is the suck. Seriously. She is/was on the upswing from that though. It was running its course, but she has been so freaking miserable just about this entire trip.

Tuesday, her fever returned. And then she stopped drinking. Not totally. I think I mentioned that the other day, too. Only about 1/4 of what she normally drinks. Wednesday morning the ibuprofen hadn't brought the fever back down really, and she woke hot and dry. We ended up in the pediatric ER here. They were great; I'll give them that. She got a beautiful crocheted blanket and a really nice teddy bear. She also do a urinary catheter and a throat swab. The catheter sucked. Since there was no respiratory congestion or distress, her ears were clear, her throat is healing from HFM (but we did the strep swab to be on the safe side, which came back negative), the only other infection the doctor could think with her symptoms was a UTI. That came back negative, too. So, absent of bacterial infections, she has apparently picked up another virus. Fortunately she was only mildly dehydrated (not enough to cause concern at the moment), so we didn't have to stick her with an IV. She's had as much fluids in the last 24 hours as she's had in just about the last 2 days, so that's a grand improvement. She did not eat one bite of food yesterday, but ate a huge breakfast and her regular lunch. And going to sleep has gotten significantly less difficult. All things I consider to be amazing improvements. I wish she were drinking more, but she's been chugging water when she wakes up.

The one thing that really calms her right now, too, is being outside. Did I have room in the car for a stroller? No. Did I just now order one off Amazon and am having it shipped here tomorrow so that for the next 4 days I can make her more comfortable? I did. (And this is why it will take me forever to pay off my bills and whatnot, but that's another story). I figured this one folds up to about the width of my suitcase. I have all my clothes in compression bags. My clothes will just go under the seat or in the cargo in the trunk, and my parents will bring my suitcase back with them if need be. Will it make packing trickier? Indeed. Will it make the Magpie more comfortable for the next week and a half? Yes. And since nothing makes me feel like more of a failure as a mother than having a chronically sick baby that I can't comfort or help, then well, we will just have two strollers. One for traveling and out and about stuff, and one for jogging around the neighborhood and going to parks. Maybe that makes me ridiculous, and maybe it makes it clear that I still, after 14 months, have no idea what I'm doing yet.

In other news, the house in Home City? FINALLY ON THE MARKET! Yippee! And it's getting three showings this weekend! Hot damn! Fingers crossed that we're out from under that soon because oh my god, to have that money back which would be enough to cover our living expenses just for the summer. Oh to be out from under that house. J's ex-step mom, for all of her faults, is apparently one hell of a realtor, and it's not costing us anything to sell it, so yay.

This was supposed to be a nicer visit to the parents. We were supposed to go out and do things with the Magpie, but oh well. I didn't even need to pack 3/4 of the clothes I packed--I've been in my pjs pretty much the entire time I've been here. It's been too exhausting to even contemplate getting dressed for the day. At least I've been able to CF everyday since we've been here except yesterday and Sunday.

Anybody out there know how to boost a baby's immune system? She gets organic, grass fed meats, a decent variety of fruits and veggies, and we had started probiotics once she stopped the antibiotics, but since she's been on a bunch of medicine again, we haven't started them back up. Sigh. And you know, I can't help but to feel this is all my fault because I couldn't force her out and she ended up a c-section baby and then got hit with another whammy when I couldn't nurse her. This all just sort of reaffirms  the feelings of failure I've had since day one. Poor Magpie. I wish I could do better for you.

The poor Magpie did get the hand, foot, and mouth disease that was going around the daycare. This kid. She is so freaking miserable. The pediatrician said that it might get worse before it gets better, and I think we've gotten to the worse before better part. She seemed to be doing better, but the last couple of days, I don't know. She eats just fine, mostly. But really the last 12 hours, she hasn't wanted to drink very much, and she's been extraordinarily cranky. I think she might be mildly dehydrated. So I've got to see if I can make her throat feel better and get her to drink some water and some pedialtye. The complicating factor is that we're out of town. Sigh. I'm just worried about the little bit.

And we're still out of town until Labor Day. I feel so bad for this poor kid. She is not adjusting well to daycare. She's having a tough time not being in her bed, not being in her environment. Daycare has caused some major separation anxiety in her, too. When I leave or put her down in a room, she starts crying. This is all so new. Put hand, foot, and mouth disease on top of that, and well, it's been a long four and a half days so far. And she misses her father lots. Ugh.

But she's been putting puffs in her mouth on her own!

I am starting now to feel the pressure of the end of summer. In the beginning of the week it was still the beginning of August. Now it feels so dangerously close to mid-August that I can barely keep myself under control here.

I may need to find a shrink here soon.

I'm mourning the loss of many things this summer. My grandfather. My beloved Divine Miss T. Magpie's transition from infant to baby to just about a toddler. Magpie's starting daycare, which means after a year of my parents living here with us they'll be heading home, and I don't really like that at all. Neither does the J. Sure, we want to have time to ourselves, but we actually like my parents being here. I'm mourning the loss of summer and all of the things that didn't get done, but need to still get done. And I can't tell if I actually find myself at a crossroads or if I'm just depressed or if it's a little bit of both. I cannot seem to successfully organize my time properly and accomplish things. I spend too much money (and part of that is because I'm depressed, and when I'm depressed, I buy things). My computer is full of crap that I need to delete, but I'm a digital hoarder and I'm deathly afraid of losing pictures and stuff. I believe they're all on shutterfly. I need to also move them to google drive and onto DVD and make copies of them. And I need to go through where I have duplicates and get rid of those so my computer doesn't shut down on me again. These are the things cluttering my brain.

I have also found that lately FB makes me hate all the things, including all the people. I deleted the app from my phone. I have found google+ a much friendlier place to be. I do not like to be so misanthropic.

I went against my better judgment and said it was okay for Magpie to have fruit at daycare. (I provide her food because of her severe sensitivities).  I didn't think about it being canned fruit. She had diarrhea and horrible gas cramps Wednesday night. She was still crampy yesterday. Today the teacher told me that hand, foot, and mouth disease is going around and it has a two week incubation period. Just what we need over here. Sigh.

I will now look for a prescription hardcopy that was called into the wrong place so that Magpie can continue to get her formula. And then I will read.

More Daycare Blues, but Some Other Positive Things

Ugh. Sending baby girl off to daycare still sucks. I just cry, cry, cry. Which probably makes things worse for her. But anyway, I won't dwell on that right now.

Some positives I will hold on to for the day:

• Yesterday, I DID WORK! On the article and book project! (Because the article is one of the chapters that will be sent off with the proposal, so yay for double duty here). And today I will do more work! 
• I'm getting sleep! Like 8+ hours a night right now. So that's great!
• It looks like we may finally be getting out from under the house in Home City! The J's ex-stepmom is our relator, and she gave me a list of what she needs and what I need to do, and she'll have everything by Friday, and it looks like, even if we lose a bit of money, we will probably be able to do a short sale (not ideal, I know, but neither is another year's worth of mortgage payments), and hopefully this will all be over in a month or so. Fingers crossed!
• For the second and third time ever I cleaned and jerked 100 pounds this morning. That's right. I got 100 pounds off the floor, into a squat, and then over my head. It's only 5 pounds off my one rep max, so I felt good about that. I'm hoping by the first of the year that I can work my way up to at least 125#. 
• I get to see my hairdresser in Home City in three weeks, so that'll be great to have her coif me up nice and good. 

I just needed to get that out of my head. I wish I could just have a good, solid, long cry over Magpie in daycare, but I just can't seem to get it all out. On that note, I will just get back to work here for an hour or so before lunch.

Daycare Blues

I hate sending that little girl to daycare! I know it's good for her, but my heart aches when she's away. She did just fine on Friday, but yesterday and today she cried when I left her. So so did I. Ugh. Heart wrenching! I hate it. She's in good hands, but I hate it. I know it's also good for me though because it means I should be able to get work done. Which I'm going to as soon as I'm done typing here.

The J is in Germany, so I've had no one to really decompress with about the daycare stuff except my mom, but the J is what I really need right now.

I sorta feel like the daycare woman is judging me a little bit for the way that I'm raising my child. This may or may not be true, but she was somewhat aghast (perhaps) that Magpie doesn't feed herself yet and that her food is still blended (I've been making it thicker). I understand from a practical standpoint that the woman can't feed seven babies all at once, and it's not like we haven't been working on it. Magpie just isn't a baby who is interested in putting things in her mouth, which in some ways is a blessing really. I know she needs to be eating more table food, and we've been working on it, it's just Magpie does things on her own time. The woman seemed a little curious as to why Magpie wasn't walking yet either--she's almost there. We're so close. And you know, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but yesterday I just wanted to cry because she made me feel like a bad parent. And of course I already struggle with that anyway. I just kept telling myself, "the pediatrician is proud of me; the pediatrician is so pleased with what we've done with Magpie. Don't worry."

We'll see.

You know, I just love this kid so much that my heart breaks. I just want to hold her all day long and watch her and play with her. Sometimes I wish I had the kind of job I could leave for five years and then find a similar one when she goes off to Kindergarten. I'm sure it will get better once I see how productive I can be; and if I can get lots done when she's gone, then spending time with her will be less stressful because I won't have the "oh shit I have so much to do" in the back of my head. I know daycare is good for the both of us.

On the agenda for today--book/article work. That means just reading for a couple of hours and then about 15 minutes of writing. And there you have it. We'll see what I can do.