It's pathetic because there are actually only four days left that I'm actually teaching them, including today. Oh, there are about 9 days left of class, but I'm only actually going to instruct them for four out of the next nine. Friday their essays are due, and I'm giving them the day off not for them and all their hard work, but so that I can grade the essays and finish them before noon so that I don't have to think about them. My prediction is that a good portion of them are going to be Fs because they'll be well short of the actual 3 page minimum page requirement. I have already made a deal with myself that essays that are 75 and below (which I think will be most of them at this point) will not receive comments. Most of them, I'm assuming, based on their initial draft work, will fail. I will not spend time commenting on them since they have to meet with me if they want to revise the essay anyway, I'm not going to waste my time. The following Friday will be to go over the take home final; I'm making them show up mid week for the last week of classes and then the last day I've canceled both the Friday classes, and I'm going to sit at home and grade.
As far as the lit classes are concerned, I'm going to miss them, as I usually do. But I'm done prepping for the quarter. The stuff for the remainder of the quarter is stuff that I've taught A LOT this year, and if you count multiple sections of the same class, the last couple of stories I would say have been taught upwards around 8 times already this year. That's surprisingly not true for even the earlier stuff in my field. And these are very teachable stories, and ironically, though so far out of my field, the easiest things for me to teach. I only needed really to reread Cather. And I might should skim Faulkner if I have time, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
I'm pretty sure that I can knock out most of the lit analyses during my office hours this morning. We'll see. Again, I'm not losing sleep over it... anymore.
I'm pretty sure it's this attitude as to why I got wasted Friday night. And why, despite my best intentions and knowledge, I seem to need to check out of the quarter about once a week on a major scale. I know it's self-sabotage and avoidance and a vicious cycle, but I think this class just reminds me of my freshman at Fancy Town, and I don't throw this around lightly, but seriously, it's like a mild PTSD*--coupled on top of the husband being away from drill--which still, 2 years later, every time he leaves for drill, it feels like he's leaving for Afghanistan. Since Afghanistan, his absence (even if it's to spend the weekend 2 hours away) = combat and war in my head. It's getting better, but I can't just think of him as off at drill. So there's that.
*I don't use this lightly (particularly given the events at the start of the quarter), but that my writing classes at FT College were *that* traumatic. Insomnia, depression, crying, feeling sick every Monday morning. I am *almost* at that point right now, and this class makes me think of my first writing classes there. I can't not associate the two, which makes my attitude really really bad. Thankfully there are only three weeks left.
I have only four priorities for the next three weeks:
- Meal prep and healthy eating
- Conference paper
Also, we have a totally kick ass Friday planned. And with any luck, also a kick ass Saturday planned, so if I can hang on for the week, I will be duly rewarded for the weekend.
Now, to go face my day.