I have returned to working on the article that I began over the summer and tried to pick up again in October with the timeline that my friend and mentor gave me. I believe that had I been on anti-depressants in October, I would have met that timeline. Now it's crunch time.
Sometimes I wonder though if my plans and desires are bigger than my abilities and resources. A week ago I was much more hopeful. I'm not discouraged by any means, but if I think about it all at once, then I sorta freak out. I need to think about things one at a time here. My goal is to have this one done by the time the spring quarter starts and have the next one drafted by the time I have my annual review with my boss.
The sort of issue with this article is that I've restructured it. I think it's a good reorganization, actually. I think it will make a better article and the additional things I need to do will tie the whole thing together I think in a much better way that makes more sense in the long run. I just wish I had had this figured out months ago.
But here's what I will stop doing--dwelling on what I could have/should have/wished I would have done. Maybe, for whatever reason, this is where I am supposed to be at this moment. Maybe I wouldn't have figured these things out in October. Or last summer. Or whatever. Perhaps I am where I need to be at this moment? I'll go with that. It's more positive and more productive that way.
I will say this though--since having gone on the anti-depressants a week and a half ago, I've gotten more work done for my classes, for my article, for life, in the last 10 days than I've gotten done in two quarters, so that's something. That's solid progress right there. If I can keep some sort of consistency, then I might be able to get some stuff done here.
I know you and I are different people and that what works for one person is a hurdle for another, but I totally resonated with your concern about your plans and desires being bigger than your abilities and resources! I totally set up impossible plans for myself because I think I should be some kind of work-machine or mom-machine with no me-time. I've figured out that I think I should be a work-mom machine because I have low self-esteem and think I'm not worth much if I'm not doing for others. My conscious mind realizes that I'm worthy of having the me-time that makes all the other work possible, but my plans and desires have been very slow to catch up with this understanding. But not living up to my own (impossible) plans is a major problem for me -- and then I get depressed and think I'm lazy and descend into a very bad self-hate do-little cycle! Even if I panic and use that panic-stress to get stuff done, I end up sick. Doing Top Left Quadrant helps me pay attention to whether my plans are reasonable, but I am still working on this, especially now when stress affects my overall health. (My ankle hurts, my shoulder-back hurts, but thank goodness the sciatica is, knock on wood, gone. I'm a big complaining old person now.)
ReplyDeleteI don't know if any of this helps you, dear Maude. Do give yourself some breaks and some self-love disguised as (insert something here: I don't know, pedicures? something lovely that makes you feel awesome!) And while you should do whatever you need to do, I would cut you some slack. You have a lot on your plate! Big hugs to you and Magpie.
Good work!
ReplyDeleteDo not think about the Big Picture or where you should be with things. Put on those blinders and just focus on: I need to write this paragraph/yay I wrote that paragraph!