I'm trying, I promise

The saga of my days continues.

Okay, I am dramatic. For someone who loathes drama, I sure do seem to have a lot of it, and certainly perpetuate it, at least on my blog.

Here are a few things causing me anxiety that haven't happened yet, but loom, actually just one thing: so as you know, my boss designed my spring schedule around my parents being in (reminder: not the schedule I asked for, but one she took upon herself to give me based on her perception of how I should be caring for my family). Well, my parents have to return home the first week of classes because they have doctor's appointments. They cannot do it the week before during break, because I will be taking students to the honors society convention, which was another of my boss's concerns that I'd be able to go and have adequate child care. What my boss did not think about in giving me a schedule that ONLY works if my parents are in is what happens when my parents are not in??!! Oh, wait, she expects the J to use up his vacation time to fill the gaps that wouldn't need to be filled had she given me what I asked for. As I will then miss office hours the first week of class, I imagine this will go over like a lead balloon. I have to mentally prepare myself for this. Sigh.

Behind all this, as she nearly said as much, is that she had *other* people she needed to accommodate. Eff you.

So my doctor ran a whole bunch of blood tests, everything from diabetes (dear god! I was freaking the eff out about that one!) to anemia to hyp0thyr0idi$m (which my boss has and I'd like a random search not to land her here) to some other test, and bam. All normal. Which is fine. That's a good thing. I'd rather not have diabetes. I'd rather not have to see an endocrinologist. But, what it boils down to though is simply that I'm fat. And depressed. Which I suppose are easier fixes than the other things. But I wanted there to be a reason for my weight gain and my fatness other than my own failure. I suppose there is. I mean, the depression certainly explains my lack of energy, constant sadness and lack of productivity, lack of sex drive, lack of desire to work out, lack of desire to really just take care of myself because I figure if I'm taking care of the Magpie, then that's functional, right? To be fair, major depression does explain a lot of this. So, despite my desire not to be, I am, after about 5-6 years, back on anti-depressants. I'm not thrilled about this. I'd rather not be. But it's ridiculous, I know. What's the difference between having an imbalance caused by the thyR0id and a chemical imbalance caused by the brain (or whatever). My stress level is through the roof; it's affecting the kid and the home in general (I have a super short fuse with my mom which isn't fair because she's there to help not remind me that I'm a failure, which she does not do at all. It's totally in my head, I know that). If it gives me the energy to take care of myself, get my work done, and not be a mega-stressed out bitch all the time, then well, fine. That's how I've resolved my dislike of this development.

I know not even two days is far too early for it to have had any effect, but I'm sure the placebo effect has kicked in because I am convinced that I feel better and and functioning better. Obviously, I have a ways to go, but it's not a permanent issue (hopefully), and there are far worse things that could be wrong other than that. And if it's the thing that allows me to take care of myself and lose the ghastly 30 pounds I really need to lose, then so be it. I guess there's no difference really between a thyR0id pill helping me lose weight and an antidepressant.

The primary issue though is getting my work done. I know it's all related. If I'm healthier and feeling better, I can focus better, write better, I have more energy to get done what I need to, which will increase my productivity and thus will increase my ability to get tenure next year. Or will help me get all these things done that would help me be able to go back on the market.

Here's hoping that this is the beginning of a positive change that will help me get to a more positive place.