I can't even believe I'm going to say this, but...
I totally forgot that I had the grading of a major assignment to do that is over a week overdue and which is critical to the students' final papers.
My brain is a total fog. I seriously am in survival mode at this point. I didn't want to be, but I am.
I am taking a break from that grading. I've gotten through six of 11 on-line. I have the hard copy of one of them which I will save for tomorrow or Tuesday's office hours.
The only thing I want to focus on is my research.
On top of all of this, our state (and you can probably figure out which one) is in the midst of a major economic crisis and there's talk of shutting down all public universities mid-semester.
For real.
Now, it probably won't happen. Most see it as a ploy for the state to accept the new governor's proposed tax hikes, but whatever. It's still a bit frightening. And even when they do pull something out of their asses on the eleventh hour, it could still have serious ramifications for my job. If they cut jobs, I honestly think the untenured faculty will go before the instructors because they teach more for less. Cutting me means they can pay two people with my salary which is better for them than cutting two people to pay for one salary.
I'm trying to look at this positively because all of the things that I would like to put in my tenure portfolio in fall quarter are all things that will make me more marketable. And any search committee that sees where I'm from will probably understand why I would want to leave the year I go up from tenure.
My focus, from here on out, will have to be on my research.
One of the complicating factors may be some potential health issues (nothing serious), but the hope I'm hanging on to right now is that by the end of the week there will be an easy fix, I'll start getting some energy back and feeling better and it will help my productivity.
Right now I'm sort of in fight or flight mode.
It has become clear to me that regardless of what I do, there seems to be some dislike still lingering. I'm getting glares from my boss and the office assistant when they see me talking to certain colleagues (people who may be on my tenure committee by the way), so apparently I'm supposed to be social, but only with some people and not others. So I've just kind of decided that I'm going to do what's best for me if it alleviates my stress and helps me be productive because it's clear that whatever I do will piss off someone in charge regardless, and I'm a better person and professor when I can be myself. And at this point, it's not my teaching or my service that is going to make one damn bit of different in my tenure portfolio if I don't have those extra 16 pages to please people who haven't published a damn thing in 20 years and are skeptical of my publications because they're not familiar with the works. So, whatever.
I'm just annoyed with the whole thing.
And the more people tell me the tasks I have set ahead of me are too much or impossible, the harder I want to work on them. It got me through my dissertation (which no one thought I'd finish because I was getting slowly edged out of the program); it got me to my first job (which no one thought I'd get), and it got me a second better t-t job (which I was told to make the best of my first very shitty job because it was the best that someone like me was going to get, whatever "someone like me" means). I'm at my best I think when I'm my feisty self.
That's where I'm at.
So, we'll see. And come hell or high water, I will be done with these well past midterm (but only one week overdue) essays.
I want to say a big huzzah and hurrah to being yourself. It's actually a great experiment because if you can't be yourself, then you're not going to want to stay there for the rest of your working life/be tenured there. (I'm not one to talk though because I felt like I bit my tongue and covered up a fair amount too, but by the end I was more forthright and myself.)
ReplyDeleteI'm mad at your place on your behalf because it really seems they've been so non-understanding about Magpie's challenges. What's more important than a child, for goodness sake? What kind of a mother/person/professor would you be if you prioritized work over Magpie, but that's what they seem to want you to do. I think it's totally invasive and overstepping for Chair to ask when your parents are coming to help. F*** off! And if the people at this place are such jerks about Magpie, well, they don't deserve you! (Does the Chair have any children? You remember how Department Chair when we started in our program was awful about scheduling department meetings right when people needed to pick up their kids from childcare because she had made the choice to not have kids and seemed to think that this was the price of an academic career? Pure suckage!) You are such a fighter, Maude! When people tell you you can't or shouldn't do something, you show them how wrong they are, like the dissertation and getting a non-academic job at that point, and moving from your first job. You've pushed through things that were really insanely hard (like what happened with Advisor). But I'm not sure at all that this place deserves your Amazingness and Oomph! Though going up on the market sucks, it sounds like a good idea to go on the market when you go up for tenure. You're too good for them and maybe should get outta there!
I also mad at the office admin for giving you dirty looks. Staff, especially department admin, tend to know everything, so I wonder if there isn't a way to get that person on your side. But I don't like that the admin is identifying with the chair so much that s/he thinks it's zie's role to go ahead and give you dirty looks. Grrr!
Fight or flight mode is really tough. It's really hard on one's body too.
Take care of yourself, Maude!
{{{{{{{{{{Maude}}}}}}}}}}